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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Holy Roller - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Holy Roller - QC  (currently 1696 views)
Michael
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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Good one, I liked it. Sounds like my preacher Father Mulkayhe.
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Dustin
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 4:55am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I liked the start but was waiting for a punchline that never came.


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StevenClark
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Last clue... Or is it?

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Writer,

Very good! Loved the flow of this, the dialogue. Not sure if he was using loaded dice or not, but I'm supposing he was.  Maybe could have used a better closing line, but yours worked fine. I see Gary
Mentioned about how he'd never get away using loaded dice, and that's probably true. But, in a story like this, reality doesn't bother me much. This works.

Steve


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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There was a lot of emphasis on the game in this and I don't have a clue about most kinds of gambling so I didn't get it.

Mostly, I was confused by what was up with the Father. Why he'd do such a thing.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good story.

A few items to mention:
1. I'd introduce him as Father Dave right away and drop the "Man." And do you really need the opening voiceover?
2. When he leaves the casino, it's night. When he gets to the church, it's twilight. Other way around?
3. I was skeptical that he could get away with this, but maybe the Casino guy was in on it. After all, he said, "See you Sunday." I doubt it, though.

Henry



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Dreamscale
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:47am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Why wait so long to properly intro Father Dave?  Absolutely no reason and it's not the way to get started.  Also, and again, why in the world is his physical description given so late?  You have to understand that this is the very first thing we would see, so yuo have to write it that way.

Writing is a bit overdone early on.  Writing is OK, but awkward at times.  Dialogue is well done and obviously fitted in here for the overall theme, which I appreciate.

Was waiting for some kind of payoff that never came.

To think a "con" this simple would work in modern day Vegas is crazy...as it wouldn't...not a once, let alone all the time.

It ain't bad by any means, but it's just not something worth remembering.

***




To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DanC
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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I agree with the others.  There is no way that anyone can con the Vegas casinos.  Perhaps a local one, but, not a Vegas one.

I agree with Jeff, you took far too long to show us who this man is.  Get to the story quicker.

Pretty decent and was a good use of dice.

I thought I was gonna ding you for not having dice at the church, but, you did.  

I've been to Vegas many times, but, have never played Craps.  Too scared I guess.  Poker is my addiction.  Not that I get to play a lot...

But, the whole con thing seemed not possible.  That said, I could see this as a 1 hr episode of CSI or some other crime show...

Oh, not sure what the confusion is.  IMO, these are real priests who are cheating at Craps.  They take turns going.

Also, not sure you know how hard it is to palm the dice and get different dice on the table.  Perhaps if you made the one priest a one-time magician or something...

All in all, this was pretty good.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Confusing introduction of Man/Father Dave, completely unnecessary imo. The story unfortunately passed by without me perceiving any emotional connection or feeling entertained.

At the ending, I miss a clear conclusion who exactly Ross is and what his role was in the casino. I guess it's the croupier but you could work with more clarity there. In the script I couldn't identify with the protagonist, which was the main problem I believe.



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Heretic
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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Count me up as one more who found the method of cheating a bit of a stretch, but I liked the story. heyDaddy above has done a good job of explaining what could be so satisfying about this story -- if this gets a rewrite, I'd suggest trying to play up those elements, the small bits of interaction between the protag and everyone in the Vegas environment that hint at what exactly it is that the protag's pulling off.

I like this one. Built our suspicions well and a fine little left turn at the end.


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Abe from LA
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
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HOLY ROLLER

An interesting tale that begs for the writer to chime in. I was down on this one, initially. But traced back to see if it really works.

I noticed how this writer slips in little hints as to what is (might be) going on. It's like being in the presence of an underrated magician.  I misjudged some of the details.

— The Croupier is all smiles and appears to be on his side as well."
—  The red dice are in the same hand as Father Dave's rosary.
— 6-6-6, winner six.  Something Satanic here? Or just a metaphor for the sins of cheating? Or maybe the sins of greed on the part of these gamblers.

After Padre wins 5 consecutive times:

"Father Dave retrieves all his winnings except for a short stack to cover his original bet."
Well played, writer. Dave is hiding his winnings in the huge losses of others.

As Stumpzian Dave suggested, I thought that the Croupier was also in on the scam. Maybe so. Not sure. Or the Croupier might just be saying "See you Sunday, " as in see you in church.
The only losers at the table are gamblers who got suckered by Father Dave's heavenly luck.
But are they really losers?  When people see poor Father Dave lose, hell, they likely feel more sorry for him than themselves.  Why it doesn't feel like gambling; It's more like giving $$ to the church, than losing to the casino.
St. Ambrose of Redemption - Dave's church.
Redemption or Irony?

Father Dave is not a character you would root for, but he's damn interesting.
Of course, all that I'm saying is probably a load of craps.

In conclusion, I think there's a fascinating underbelly to this script. There are subtleties here that are working subliminally. Sorry, writer. I should have given you more points in the voting. But if you like, I could send you a contribution.
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JEStaats
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Kinda surprised this didn't do better but I'll do a postmortem anyway. The three-page limit was a killer for me. As it is, I had to edit out over half a page. I think with another page or two, I could've really done something with this. I was originally going to have a church custodian impersonating the Clergy at the crap table but couldn't fit it in. I really like the suggestion of having the croupier in on it. I also toyed with the title 'Idle Hands' that would elude to the Clergy just being bored (I know a few Clergy) and that they do this for excitement.

As for it not being possible in a real casino...really? And Oceans 11 or other heist movie is? I hope it wasn't marked down for that. I think some readers that don't know craps just kinda blew this off too, maybe? The dialog was slang that you would hear at a crap game, so that might have thrown people off too.

Abe from LA and Hey Daddy were closest to being spot-on with this.

Thanks for all the reads and suggestions. I'm going to try and get something more from this.
~John
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JakeJon
Posted: September 25th, 2017, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Roller Bones,
I love how an "oxymoronic" title, logline, 4 page short can reel them in.  Easy to read, fun, heart warming, a twist etc.  

As stated by others, needs some   "casino" clean-up.  Red dice ain't happening.    Also,  after he hits the hard Six:   On his next "come out roll" he would have been hoping and "praying"  for a Seven or Eleven to win again.   He would have crapped out with  snake eyes or box cars.  So he actually won again.  Just nits here.

The story works for me.   Too short, though.  Turn it into a feature.  Ya know, keep the dice rolling.


JJ
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JEStaats
Posted: September 27th, 2017, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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JJ - Thanks for the comments. Although I've spent many hours (days?) on the casino floor, I'm not a craps player. It scares me. I'll work on those nits.

Also had a brainstorm on making this a feature now that I set it in 1960. We'll see where it goes from here.

Thanks again,
John
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