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Very good! Loved the flow of this, the dialogue. Not sure if he was using loaded dice or not, but I'm supposing he was. Maybe could have used a better closing line, but yours worked fine. I see Gary Mentioned about how he'd never get away using loaded dice, and that's probably true. But, in a story like this, reality doesn't bother me much. This works.
A few items to mention: 1. I'd introduce him as Father Dave right away and drop the "Man." And do you really need the opening voiceover? 2. When he leaves the casino, it's night. When he gets to the church, it's twilight. Other way around? 3. I was skeptical that he could get away with this, but maybe the Casino guy was in on it. After all, he said, "See you Sunday." I doubt it, though.
Why wait so long to properly intro Father Dave? Absolutely no reason and it's not the way to get started. Also, and again, why in the world is his physical description given so late? You have to understand that this is the very first thing we would see, so yuo have to write it that way.
Writing is a bit overdone early on. Writing is OK, but awkward at times. Dialogue is well done and obviously fitted in here for the overall theme, which I appreciate.
Was waiting for some kind of payoff that never came.
To think a "con" this simple would work in modern day Vegas is crazy...as it wouldn't...not a once, let alone all the time.
It ain't bad by any means, but it's just not something worth remembering.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Confusing introduction of Man/Father Dave, completely unnecessary imo. The story unfortunately passed by without me perceiving any emotional connection or feeling entertained.
At the ending, I miss a clear conclusion who exactly Ross is and what his role was in the casino. I guess it's the croupier but you could work with more clarity there. In the script I couldn't identify with the protagonist, which was the main problem I believe.
Count me up as one more who found the method of cheating a bit of a stretch, but I liked the story. heyDaddy above has done a good job of explaining what could be so satisfying about this story -- if this gets a rewrite, I'd suggest trying to play up those elements, the small bits of interaction between the protag and everyone in the Vegas environment that hint at what exactly it is that the protag's pulling off.
I like this one. Built our suspicions well and a fine little left turn at the end.
An interesting tale that begs for the writer to chime in. I was down on this one, initially. But traced back to see if it really works.
I noticed how this writer slips in little hints as to what is (might be) going on. It's like being in the presence of an underrated magician. I misjudged some of the details.
— The Croupier is all smiles and appears to be on his side as well." — The red dice are in the same hand as Father Dave's rosary. — 6-6-6, winner six. Something Satanic here? Or just a metaphor for the sins of cheating? Or maybe the sins of greed on the part of these gamblers.
After Padre wins 5 consecutive times:
"Father Dave retrieves all his winnings except for a short stack to cover his original bet." Well played, writer. Dave is hiding his winnings in the huge losses of others.
As Stumpzian Dave suggested, I thought that the Croupier was also in on the scam. Maybe so. Not sure. Or the Croupier might just be saying "See you Sunday, " as in see you in church. The only losers at the table are gamblers who got suckered by Father Dave's heavenly luck. But are they really losers? When people see poor Father Dave lose, hell, they likely feel more sorry for him than themselves. Why it doesn't feel like gambling; It's more like giving $$ to the church, than losing to the casino. St. Ambrose of Redemption - Dave's church. Redemption or Irony?
Father Dave is not a character you would root for, but he's damn interesting. Of course, all that I'm saying is probably a load of craps.
In conclusion, I think there's a fascinating underbelly to this script. There are subtleties here that are working subliminally. Sorry, writer. I should have given you more points in the voting. But if you like, I could send you a contribution.
Kinda surprised this didn't do better but I'll do a postmortem anyway. The three-page limit was a killer for me. As it is, I had to edit out over half a page. I think with another page or two, I could've really done something with this. I was originally going to have a church custodian impersonating the Clergy at the crap table but couldn't fit it in. I really like the suggestion of having the croupier in on it. I also toyed with the title 'Idle Hands' that would elude to the Clergy just being bored (I know a few Clergy) and that they do this for excitement.
As for it not being possible in a real casino...really? And Oceans 11 or other heist movie is? I hope it wasn't marked down for that. I think some readers that don't know craps just kinda blew this off too, maybe? The dialog was slang that you would hear at a crap game, so that might have thrown people off too.
Abe from LA and Hey Daddy were closest to being spot-on with this.
Thanks for all the reads and suggestions. I'm going to try and get something more from this. ~John
Hey, Roller Bones, I love how an "oxymoronic" title, logline, 4 page short can reel them in. Easy to read, fun, heart warming, a twist etc.
As stated by others, needs some "casino" clean-up. Red dice ain't happening. Also, after he hits the hard Six: On his next "come out roll" he would have been hoping and "praying" for a Seven or Eleven to win again. He would have crapped out with snake eyes or box cars. So he actually won again. Just nits here.
The story works for me. Too short, though. Turn it into a feature. Ya know, keep the dice rolling.