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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  The Devil's Dice - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    The Devil's Dice - QC  (currently 1464 views)
DanC
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Again, I agree with everyone else.  I was lost until I read the comments.  I had no clue what was going on.

Interesting theory of what Robert did before the launch.

Where I really got lost was who was the Old man?  Satan?  The dice were demonic.  

How could Satan be in a church?  Or drink holy water?  

So, after Robert sets the gun down, does he leave it?

This needs a lot more clarity.

Dan


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stevie
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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I'd read most of the comments first so had a fair idea what was the go here. All good until Robert started talking! Complete gibberish to me - needed his dialogue to be coherent and simple so we know who he is and whats happening. As a result I skimmed after that and lost interest.

This could've been the best entry but it was taken inn a wring direction


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Angry Bear
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was pretty good.

The fact that we're told this is 1945 gives us a pretty good idea of what he's talking about, IMO.

Not sure about pulling the gun on himself in the church though...

Is it LONELY church or LONE?

Maybe, instead of him going on talking, why not set it in a confessions booth instead? That way we get to see the priest struggling with what he hears as well.

Good job!  


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denamckinnon
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Oh K WOW superb writing on display here.

And wow how I love that you used a real historical figure/event in this.

I have a Robert Oppenheimer story as well that Kevin and I advanced with in the NYC Midnight contest! And in ours the events and what happened to him 'could have' changed history but did not.

You did a great job here. Great dialogue. Great character. Mystery cards throughout. And the irony in him helping the man that turns out to be the devil. Wow ... all I can say.

You got my vote here.
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Michael
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Just like that B-29 Aeroplane, this script flew right over my head.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 24th, 2017, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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Good start all in all, I'm just puzzled why he thinks aloud in a church. On the other hand, it's a pretty bizarre choice to do so and unexpected as well to experience it, so I'm undecided on that…

P2 I don't believe those long monologues do work on screen

Okay, I didn't get it.

Reads somehow as if the devil has some self-doubts, shows some compassion which I think is pretty interesting as a concept. I also take this from his last dialogue where he sates that he could give it all to Robert and be no longer responsible for all bad on his own - but it kind of wouldn't be right - he says (at least how I Interpret it)

Then Robert nevertheless says "Now" and the bomb goes...

So, isn't this contradictory regarding what devil says?

Whatever, the monologues were too long. They should be more direct and touchable.

Otherwise there's already a heavy atmosphere going on that I liked pretty much. Lots of risks are taken here. Ambitious stuff. Definitely worth to revisit.



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Abe from LA
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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THE DEVIL'S DICE

Not a story that can be appreciated in a quick read and especially so if the reader isn't given some heads up as to the main character, and his role in world history.

There is an underlying brilliance on the part of this writer, and the effects DICE has on its readers. It might even parallel Oppenheimer's own brilliance, which of course was so far above the general public in the early-mid 1940s, that most could care less what he (and his team) was creating. Until the bombs were dropped.

And so this story has a lot of meat. But it's also tough to chew. I found myself skipping chunks of dialogue because it wore me down. I didn't need it to know where it was leading me.

I like the setting. The country church is perfect.  The old man, not so perfect.  His role seems obligatory to meet the rules of the challenge. Dump the old man and the dice.
Let Oppenheimer pull off the road and deal with his own demons (depression). I don't think he was a religious sort, but in these hours before the Test, he finds himself at the crossroads. I agree with Pia that Robert's monologue should be a confessional with the church minister

Suggestion: Let this tale be about an [seemingly] ordinary man who is distraught over the suicide of his mistress (Jean Tatlock). We can relate to his personal struggles and his contemplation of suicide.  Then, if you choose, back into some of the scientific
Let the minister be the one to help Robert find renewed faith and move forward.

Or maybe it's the minister's story from the get-go. The question ultimately posed: if this minister knew who he was saving, would he have intervened in Robert's "suicide"?

Nice job

I'm giving this story high points for the possibilities.
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