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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Be Devil - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Be Devil - QC  (currently 1427 views)
PrussianMosby
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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I don't get why Senta is merely wounded at the neck by the rifle shot. If Locke truly hit her, wouldn't she be dead since a rifle is such a powerful weapon?
First page and I thought this could be great but then it went a strange route when the confrontation was delivered through the appearing dog and having Locke shooting out there. So, all in all, it's half and half for my taste: set-up and ending was good, the confrontation stage and its structure there not so. Still, good effort.



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pale yellow
Posted: August 24th, 2017, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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If you would have stuck to your logline... did the log come first or the story? I thought this would play out like the girl begged refuge... and instead of it being a safe house it was anything but! But instead she was just there and there was no reason stated to even be seeking refuge.

I could have liked the end but there is some confusion for me. First Senta said she saw a kid coming... the Priest said it was the devil and got out his gun. But then I guess he shot Senta instead because later he was carrying her dead bloody body with bullet holes in it? And then what happened? Did the Devil go into the dead body of the girl Senta?

I really liked the log. I would've liked this story if had stayed true to the concept. Twist is good at end...just needs to be more clear. Fine line between mystery and confusion.

Good job.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 25th, 2017, 7:14am Report to Moderator
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Regarding Pale's comment, I see my wrong interpretation here about thinking Senta's still alive.

Don't know how I came to that conclusion. Perhaps the whole dog part felt too erratic constructed for me, so that I haven't realized Locke carries, kisses and eventually f**** an actually dead body. That's crazy.

Of course this changes a lot in case of the whole context. Will add an extra point in hindight.



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Angry Bear
Posted: August 25th, 2017, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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This didn't really get my attention. I'm not religious, but I know a lot of people who are and I'm sort of tired of these stories of pedophile priests. It feels very old hat, to me.

It was well written though. The subject matter just made me roll my eyes. Sorry.


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ajr
Posted: August 26th, 2017, 7:08am Report to Moderator
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Agree with a lot of what's been said previously.

I think the 2nd sentence in the log line gives much away. Also the questions I have are why Locke is not outed as some sort of crazy by the 'townsfolk' when he really doesn't appear to hide his crazy at all, and why Senta is there in the first place.

Also, never kill a dog in a movie. You can show pedophilia, necrophilia, Hotel Rwanda genocide - but if you kill a dog, people will come after you. Not sure why but it's true.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Michael
Posted: August 26th, 2017, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Like people are saying - It read awkwardly. It's a pretty sick short if you ask me. But you pushed the boundaries. I am torn as to whether I liked it or not. hmmmm,
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Cooper
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Code

 A pair of diced earrings shiver from her ears.



Nice.


A decent story but a little too neatly tied up. It actually reminds me of a real story not long ago, where a 15-year-old girl was raped by a Muslim man in my city. After getting away from him, she flagged down a Muslim taxi driver who, after pretending to be helping her, drove her to a secluded spot and raped her himself.


Yeah, that might be the most awful thing I've ever heard. Remind me to never go to your city.

Moving on...

This story is just creepy but it doesn't go anywhere. The ending feels random. Also the dice aren't even dice. They're diced earrings which I'm not sure qualify.

The imagery was good but it wasn't clear where the story was going. Everything just happened.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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