SphereCraft :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

This is a big sprawling screenplay full of ideas and concepts. It's dense and thick and shows lots of care and research going into what is on the page. Your logline is pretty accurate, and inside this almost 140 page epic could be a soild Michael Crichton type thriller, but my thoughts are it needs some careful editing and paring down.

The main story, which takes over 30 pages to really get into motion, features a young IT executive who is recruited by Chinese gangsters to steal a high tech computer chip that is the first succesful artificial intelligence. The evil crime boss wants the chip for his own and will stop at nothing, including kidnapping and murder to get it. Our hero Michael, finds himself in over his head as he realizes he's made a bad decision in dealing with these guys and tries to find a way out.

But included in the mix is a centuries old Sphere with mystical powers, powers that can manifest the current owners thoughts into a physical reality.

What's most impressive is the - what seems to be - entirely 100% accurate depiction of modern day Asian culture in America, ver detailed descriptions, situations, character names, etc. Either this is your heritage or you've done a great job of research, as it's all very authentic, my kudos to you there.  However, to me it seems the plot is divided and tries to follow two paths, but it ends up that neither is completely satisfying.

The thriller part of the story follows Michael dealing with the evil cutthroat David, who must have the A.I. chip at all costs. But also we have the mysterious Sphere, which I feel - in this draft - hurts more than helps the story.

The Sphere itself - which we are introduced to in a LONG scene set hundreds of years ago in China - can amplify and turn the owner's thoughts into reality. A powerful weapon. However - it's really used only for comic effect in the present day scenes - as it conjures up Bruce Lee, The 3 Stoogers, James Kirk, Marylin Monroe, etc; all used in comedic scenes. I'd think the Sphere would be something much much more dangerous and powerful - but - it never seems to be that.  What happens is we get what feels like The Last Action Hero - with movie & TV characters coming to life in the Real World.

I feel - something as powerful as the Sphere should be the crux of the story, but it isn't. Its' there really just to conjure up OddJob from Goldfinger, etc. I think you have two stories - the chip or the Sphere - and should either decide to follow one and drop the other, or make the Sphere something that everyone is after as well. For now it just bounces around from hand to hand. In the climax, it does appear to be a sentient being itself so we find out more about it - but - it's too little too late.

The formatting is good overall. You should drop the NEW ANGLE inserts you have, though. A new line of action is enough and angles would be blocked later by the DP & director. You have done the same thing I did in some of my scripts of the last few years, that is capaitalize action words - some people here have come down hard on that, and yes it's not something you see as much in current scripts. I'd suggest do as I am doing and remove those in the next draft, just stay lower case unless you're introducing someone.

The opening scene in ancient China is long - this, coupled with the long scene setting up David - keeps us from meeting our hero for 30 pages or so. This is an example of what I meant by careful editing. Can you lose the opening scene entirely? Since we never learn the origin of the Sphere - am not sure it's really serving the story. You have many threads here....the ancient Chinese mysticism, the Sphere, the crime lords, the AI chip, the Cops, the kidnapping -but it all feels disjointed at this stage.

Also youy specify in the script that any "celebrity appearance" is based on stock footage to be edited into the finished film - but - most "celebrities" interact WITH the real-life characters. This - for me - is the weakest part of the screenplay. As I mentioned, it seems to diminsh what the Sphere is and what it can stand for.

So I do feel you have a million ideas here, some good, some missing the target. My biggest suggestion is to make the story EITHER about everyone wanting the Sphere - or the chip - both not both.  Why not make the chip more like the Sphere maybe? Since the chip is an actual bit of A.I that 'repairs itself". Just a random thought.

LIke I'd said before, you have the makings for a Michael Crichton type techno thriller here but need to give it a major refocus. I'd be more than happy to send you some notes privately , suggestion as to how you might restructure the story to make it more driven.