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Alien Girl by Oscar Moreno - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Drama - A teenage girl and her best friend escape to a house in the woods to make alien contact as they're chased by their loved ones and the law. 82 pages - pdf format
Hey everyone, I rewrote this more or less from scratch. I turned it from a road movie into more of a one-location drama/thriller and emphasized more the romantic and sci-fi aspects. I hope you guys enjoy it. Thanks!
Read this one and liked. I loved the STEPHANIE's character, how you wrote it.
IMO, you can use MIGUEL's character for more conflicts and thrill. Like he calls the cops or his mom or dad whatever after getting humiliated. This will create more urgency and ticking clock effect.
LUIS is also little under developed. It has great potential. You can build it up that way like it is a major threat than cops in the climax before they see Aliens. And when he is completely changed, it will be good to see the transformation.
FER doesn't add up that much in the story. I mean if he wasn't there, it won't make any difference.
Try to create more tension. Like is STEPHANIE just mentally unstable or really she saw aliens?
And the last thing. Who was DAVID? Just another witness of different incident being interviewed? I think it is confusing to the audience.
These are my personal opinions on what I thought. Hope that helps.
Hey guys, Thank you for your comments! Sorry for the late reply, but I've been ultra-busy lately and haven't had a chance to look around here. Your comments are much appreciated.
Fais85 - David is the guy who accidentally killed Stephanie's mother. So it's not a different incident, they're meant to be the same. I can definitely clarify that, though. I like your suggestions for the other characters as well. I'm glad you liked it, regardless!
Steve - Thanks for the tip! Honestly, there are days where I want to go all Dan Gilroy and say "Fuck sluglines!" I know your suggestion isn't as radical but yeah, it's a way I've been thinking of making things easier for me, especially since I'm writing quite a few of these contained scripts.
Hello, Oscar (and Julio). Had a chance to read the script. Very well done! I'm a sucker for these kinds of stories.
Let me first just go through my notes as I was reading:
Page 1: Good start. I’m intrigued already. That didn't take long.
Page 2: Are Sarah the FBI agent and Adan related? I see they have the same last name. Macias. Curious.
Page 7: A lot of flashbacks and flash forwards, but I’m still following it okay, I think. I am noticing, though, a consistent use of (O.S.). I’m wondering if (V.O.) would be the proper use on some of these.
Page 8: Your scene descriptions are very simple and direct, which results in a nice, easy read. That being said, there are, I think, a couple points where I could have used a little more set-up description. This scene here is one example:
INT. ADAN'S HOUSE - ADAN'S BEDROOM - DAY (PRESENT)
FER, 16, a slightly muscular kid with a relaxed demeanor FARTS casually.
And then we go right into the dialogue. Okay, but what’s Adan doing? Are they standing side-by-side? Is Adan lying atop his bed? Is he pacing? Does he look worried? I know a LOT of people disagree with me on this, but while many writers wax passionately on the virtues of NOT overwriting, I believe there is also such a thing as underwriting. True, too much needless description is an all-too-common bugaboo for novice scribes, but sometimes, a couple judiciously worded lines of description at a scene's outset can make visualization much easier. Just my own opinion, and one that many dispute. Apologies for the digression. Moving on...
Page 13: “Stephanie shakes her head.” Is that supposed to be Karen?
Page 26: “Miss Carmona.” So, does this mean that Adan’s last name is Carmona? So, it must have been a typo on page 2? Okay. That clarifies things a bit.
Page 30: Again, (O.S.) is used as Stephanie recounts the story, but it seems like this should be (V.O.).
Page 70: “Stephanie looks down at Stephanie.” Should this be “Adan looks down at Stephanie”?
I really dug this story. Piggybacking on one of the above comments, I agree that Luis might be a little underdeveloped, although I really liked the fact that the focus was placed on Adan and Stephanie. For me, the best scenes were the quiet moments as the two were discussing the future, dreams, destinations, and the emotional risks of venturing beyond one's comfort zone. (The way they dance around these subjects at first through subtle, furtive glances and laughter is precious and VERY well done.). This was like a teen love story FIRST, with a touch of science fiction thrown in. For me, that's what made the story resonate.
While I understand (and to an extent) agree that the tension could be taken up as a counterpoint to the scenes between Adan and Stephanie in the house, I don't know that you'd really need to overdo it in that regard. Maybe a scene involving Luis/Karen/Miguel or whoever on the hunt just prior to Adan meeting up with Stephanie at the house, and that might be enough until the climax. This is just my own opinion, but I think the strength of the story is between Adan and Stephanie. The teen love story here (for me) is the selling point. There'll still be plenty of tension in the final act.
In any event, I really enjoyed the read, Oscar. Nice work!