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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Skate The Church - WT4 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Skate The Church - WT4  (currently 1449 views)
Don
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Skate The Church by Anonymouse 48 - In a gothic church, a skating rooster fights a bully with a baseball bat. - Short, Action


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Warren
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 3:26am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Not a fan of this:


Quoted Text
Up there,


I think:

A gallery towers above the entrance door, where stained-glass windows, with a thick layer of dust, cast an eerie light on the organ.


Quoted Text
its overall appearance is still
majestic.


Not entirely sure what a weathered majestic organ looks like, but I'll go with it.


Quoted Text
DENNIS CAROL, 10, slender and blond,
cross-legged rummages in his backpack


and blond, sits cross-legged as he rummages in his backpack

Some generally awkward writing throughout.


Quoted Text
MARVIN
Still playing that loser Rooster
card, huh? Only because it's been a
gift from his deceased daddy. Loser
daddy.


I cant tell if the dialogue is badly written or if you purposely did it this way.


Quoted Text
COMPUTER VOICE OVER


COMPUTER (V.O.)


Quoted Text
Rooster starts to glide with his electrostatic skates.
A stream of blue light follows his blades.



All I can think of is Jupiter Ascending and it's making me cringe.


Quoted Text
His blades grind along the pipes of the organ. A beautiful
organ sound resonates.


Really hard to know who the target audience is for this. Stuff like the above quoted text would come off kiddy, but earlier you had "fuck-fox".


Quoted Text
Thin as a sheet of paper, he slides from the wall to the
ground.


Okay, so it seems this is aimed at kids. You really need to tidy up the language then.

The ending was just a bit too sickly sweet for my liking.

So the criteria seems to be met. Can't say I care too much for the story, but it may appeal to younger kids (again, you'd need to clean up the language). The writing could also use some work.

All the best.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Personally if you are going to describe, and have action, in various parts of a large location - I would use mini-slugs to take us there

I.E


Quoted Text
INT. GOTHIC CHURCH - DAY

Describe the church. above this is the

GALLERY

Describe gallery


That's just me, I could be talking out of my arse to be honest

This could be a cute story - which is an odd thing to say about action - but it didn't quite hit it.

There was no tension for me, no moment where I thought Dennis was going to lose - Rooster was too good - It needs that small fall and rise moment.

Marvin's turn around is too abrupt - the emotion should be heightened here - maybe his card means something to him, but he doesn't show it because his walls are up (Bully's are rarely bully's for the sake of it - they have feelings too) - but when he loses the card, his walls break down, then kindness from Dennis as Marvin walks off crying - I dunno, it just needs something else.


Quoted Text
fuck-fox Gambit
If you want Dennis to be our protag, I would lose this line to be honest

The fight between the two holograms(?) could be longer and better - a bit of back and forth - you had an extra page and a half to play with.

Overall a decent attempt but needs more to really grab us


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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Hi writer,

A gallery towers above the entrance door, where stained-glass windows, with a thick layer of dust, cast an eerie light on the organ.

Not entirely sure what a weathered majestic organ looks like, but I'll go with it.



Sounds interesting. I think I'll read this next.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Code

Down in the nave...



Where else would the nave be? Up there too?

Code

Long pews flank the center aisle...



Ah, you're confused. The nave is the central aisle.

Code

...a hockey playing cock...



I think Freud would have a lot to say about the first half a page of this script. I wonder if this is written by a female.

Code

Activate Rooster.



Might as well have written 'cock'.

Code

Rays of light stream from the card and beside the altar
forms a holographic cock...



Ah, there we are.

Code

With his free claw, he strokes over his bright red comb.



Is this meant to be so funny?

It's not really my kind of script but thanks for the chuckles.
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ReneC
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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This is weirdly good and bad writing. Some really beautiful descriptions and other parts that are choppy and jarring. Maybe a rush job?

I like the premise. Great use of trading cards. The tone should match the target audience, namely youth, so drop the f-bomb.

I never once felt that Dennis and Rooster were in danger of losing. There's no setup to suggest he's outmatched, there's no wrong turn by Rooster, no show of superior strength by Gambit. The stakes weren't high because Dennis wasn't really in danger of losing his precious card. The action was good, but without stakes it's flat.

Otherwise I enjoyed it quite a bit. It would be a good little short with some work.


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eldave1
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Not for me I'm afraid - the story was chaotic - but I did not find it interesting


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 26th, 2019, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Well, it’s no Karate Kid 4 but it’s a fun little story.  Met all the parameters, and effective use of the cards as well.

Not too keen on the ending — you still had a page and a half to work with, so why not develop the ending a little more. I don’t buy Marvin’s change of heart. He needs to be shown the door with his tail tucked between his legs.

The writing is a bit hit and miss for me and needs a cleanup. But loved the log line and would like to see this played out in a bigger story.

Best of luck,
Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Spqr
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Good action in this story about two kids who let their holographic pals fight it out in a game that combines hockey and baseball gear. The Rooster and Fox maneuver on electrostatic fields. Why does a video image need this field? It’s not a real physical presence.

In the initial verbal exchange, Marvin comes off as a real jackass. I can understand a 10-year-old being hesitant to throw down on a bigger 12-year-old, but a guy just can’t take this kind of insult to his late father. At the least he would have fired his own verbal salvo along the lines of “Has your daddy stopped beating on you?”

At the end, Marvin’s learned his lesson, but his “I’m sorry” signals a total surrender. I think the best a bully like Marvin would come up with is something like “Well, at least you’re not a total nerd.”
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JEStaats
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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The concept, in regards to the holographic animal sports figures, is intriguing. Everything else is pretty much a mess. The action and dialog is a chore to read and get through without becoming distracted to think of what was intended.

"Rooster's skin is violet. He has a hockey stick in hand and a sly expression on his face. He wears ice skates with attached blades that glide over the floor through an electrostatic field, as on actual ice. With his free claw, he strokes over his bright red comb." -- Try to imagine what you're describing: A hockey stick in one hand; skates on his 'feet'; yet he has a free claw to stroke his comb? Are his wings arms with hands? And what would ice skates be without attached blades? Boots.

Not a total loss, though, because I do like the concept.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 28th, 2019, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Love your title and a SKATING ROOSTER?? I am in.

Love how you used the digital game thing and holograph. This is original all the way...

I like a lot of this story.. I'm not sure I love the ending however. Well written... cool characters... cool use of trading card ... a lot to like....

Good job writer.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 28th, 2019, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Like the setup, the idea is great.

But I found the action a little confusing, could be lack of familiarity with hockey though.

Ending felt a little rushed and cliche.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 29th, 2019, 2:11am Report to Moderator
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Activate Rooster! I'm going to shout that at the onset of the mornin' wood tomorrow.
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PKCardinal
Posted: July 1st, 2019, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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I liked the central premise here: two kids use holographic "battle" cards to settle a difference.

The story around it is interesting enough, too.

But, you made it all WAY too easy. The challenge is too easily accepted. The battle is one exchange of fire, the outcome never in doubt. The bully turns into a nice kid with one loss.

Consequently, there's no feeling of triumph, which a story like this needs.

If you continue to explore this idea, think conflict, conflict, conflict. Make it impossible for Dennis to accept (he has too much to lose), but impossible for him to decline. Still, he accepts. Then, make loss a real possibility. Inevitable, even. But, he wins. Then, Marvin isn't going to honor the deal, until Dennis - or Rooster (by way of Dennis) - does/says something that changes Marvin's view of Dennis. (You have this, but, it's too easy. Make it come harder.)

Good luck, and enjoy the rewrite. This one should be fun!


PaulKWrites.com

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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 1st, 2019, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PKCardinal
Make it come harder.)



Great advice.
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