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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  To the Poor - WT5 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    To the Poor - WT5  (currently 631 views)
Don
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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To the Poor by Carson Sawmill - In order to meet a logging tycoon for business relations, a rich couple follows a futuristic motorway that leads them deep into the wild. - Short, Sci Fi, Satire


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Warren
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
road wiggles through


Do you mean weaves? Or is it actually wiggling?


Quoted Text
With high speed, an arrow-shaped, flat vehicle approaches
from behind an elevation.


Very early on, the writing is a bit awkward.

Am having a little trouble picturing some of this.

Is it just my computer or does the boldness of the text change on page 2?

The dialogue needs some work, it's quite wooden.


Quoted Text
turns his head over his shoulder.


looks over his shoulder.


Quoted Text
He picks a futuristic communication piece


Make this visual, what does it look like?

The mixture of sci-fi and Robin Hood is a little jarring.


Quoted Text
ROBIN
Quickly said. We lure rich people
into our beautiful Sherwood Forest
to take their credits and donate
them to Greenpeace and the public
welfare.


Exposition through dialogue.


Quoted Text
He drags the blade of the saw across Eric's throat. Blood
gushes out of the wound in fountains.


I really cant get a handle of the tone of this piece.

So there was sci-fi, a handsaw, and something resembling a broken down car, I'm sorry to say that apart from that this is a bit of a mess.

Not for me

All the best.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 9:55am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



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Hello writer - Here we are, round 5

© 13th century - That's expired, I'm stealing this  

Above copyright, near Nottingham, arrowhead car.... hello Robin Hood story lol

Is it my eyes or does the font become lighter halfway down page 2? It's not important obviously, but I sat there for a good 2 minutes moving my eyes closer and further away from the screen.

Well written, visual, a futuristic take on the Robin Hood character - Not too bad for a weekends work. The saw is not exactly pivotal to the story, but I'll let it slide... it's the end of the tournament and we are all tired lol

I doubt it will be one my favourites, but certainly shouldn't be among the worst


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eldave1
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 11:51am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



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This was just okay for me - the modern day characters didn't really pop for me. Maybe too much story for a five pager

Something happened to the font halfway through or else I need new glasses


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PKCardinal
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



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How does that font thing even happen?

Anyway, I liked all the Robin Hood characters... but, not the modern ones. When I think about it... those are the only ones you created. So, how much credit do I give you for characterization?

Still, I really liked the idea. The story was fun. The twist with Maid Marian was fun.

So, a lot to like.

Kudos for trying something completely different.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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JEStaats
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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"... ERIC BISHOP, 25, long combed back hair..." Yuck!

"Would you mind to steer your beautiful ancient vehicle to the side, so we may continue our strenuous everyday life in the modern world? " Wow. Awkward. Is that how they talk in the future?

That was a bit rough around the edges. Definitely satirical. This is the second entry that has a car crash rather than a broken down car. I wonder hat the consensus will be on this?

Needs a lot of work. Dialog and characters need development. Rush job for getting this in?
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Fais85
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 2:05am Report to Moderator
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I love Robin Hood but didn't like this one. The theme was really superb but it didn't come out well. This was just okay for me. But I really admire your effort of trying something unique.
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Spqr
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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Two futuristic yuppies are waylaid by modern-day merry men and Robin Hood. Excellent story that’s very entertaining. I liked the characters and dialogue, but the merry men shouldn’t be so merry. While Robin steals Eric’s credits with a modern holographic reader, he makes his men dismantle the hover car with old-fashioned saws. What’s up with that? Uneasy lies the head that wears the green baseball hat…
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Gary in Houston
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



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Last one of the five week challenge to read!  Woo hoo!!  I'm going to bed for three weeks after this.

So this one's a bit of a stretch for me.  You have the parameters down, so good there.  But the story is that you have a modern day Robin Hood stealing from rich people using 13th century equipment, other than the device to steal from the rich.  I don't quite get that.  And Robin Hood is a rather unsavory character, killing the guy as well as stealing his credits.  Doesn't really make him a likeable character or one we can relate to -- and with only having five pages, you didn't have enough time to make Eric evil enough for us to want Robin to kill him. So my thought is, don't kill him, just have L'il John just force his hand onto the device and take it from him.  

Not a bad go at it, just needs a little extra to make me care about what's happening.

Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge!

Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 6th, 2019, 4:31am Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, liked the early pages of this but the shift to Robin Hood just didn't work for me at all...

I don't mean the writing as that's okay, barring the odd typo, it's the lack of any internal logic I strugged with.

Criteria met.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 6th, 2019, 5:06am Report to Moderator
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I'm not particularly sharp today, having been up since 3am, so I can't be bothered to edit the writing. I'm only actually reading this because the comments on the story interested me. I love adaptating and modernising old stuff... and I love satire.

Character names aside, there just isn't enough nods to the orginal to make this funny enough. For 72 hours work, it's barely passable... only because I like the premise. At the moment, the idea is there, the story isn't.

The writing tripped me up quite a few times and the font changing from light to dark in various places is distracting.
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jayrex
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 11:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's alright.  It's mostly decent.  The one thing I didn't like was the last line.  I didn't buy it.  You have met the criteria.


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