KATfight by Angel Orona - Action - KATfight is a sexy, graphic-novel-style actioner about L.A. cop Katina Ridley who wages war against a team of supermodel/assassins.   - html, format


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With an all-out action role for a feisty female actor, this is a definitely commercial concept in a well decent script. No sooner had I thought 'Lara Croft' than Kat makes reference to Angelina Jolie. Horrible title, though. It's all a bit too self-consciously stylish for my liking, e.g. 'If the club, itself, is a ring of Hell, this has gotta be Satan's waiting room . . .' but then it's not written for me. There are many, many spellcheck errors which take the professional edge off it. Sometimes I came to a dead stop wondering at the meaning when vital words were missing from a sentence ('Now you do realize 'Afterglow' for just anyone'?) A few don't matter but there are examples on nearly every page; with a good proofing this would be a winner. Perhaps a few tweaks such as Sole becoming a full Auntie recruit early on and Kat setting out to redeem her, instead of just being a pawn toward the end. I found the three spaced dots in every other sentence distracting but the layout is otherwise excellent, two lines at a time making a fast and rewarding read. The fight scenes are irresistible. 'Kat got your tongue' - ouch to that, in more ways than one.

Overall, I thought that "KATFIGHT" was a very marketable script. It began as any male's typical fantasy would and I thought it was going to be a simple cliche story with endless remarks about Kat and her physical features, but we get over that early on in about 10 pages. The dialogue (specifically Kat's one-liners) is what sold it for me. Her speech is no crisp and you maintained a hold on her character. A few nit-picks were only that I thought the title needs some tweaking, I feel the script should be a little longer (mainly because that scenes feel rushed as does Kat's relationship with Eddie and Sole, but her relationship with Manning was well-done, I felt), and I think some continuity with the CNN telecast of her in the lingerie at the end would be a nice wrap, maybe a remark, or new broadcast, etc. Aside from that, I found myself wanting her to kiss SOMEBODY if not a SEX SEQUENCE. But, then I found myself thinking deeper and thought "Kat's too BAD ASS to have a sex scene!" Nice work!

I read this a few days ago but didn't get around to commenting. This is an excellent action script and one of the better scripts I've read on this site. You have a very conversational style of writing (and I don't just mean your dialogue). The descriptions really jump off the page. In Kat, you have a great action hero protagonist who delivers some razor-sharp one-liners throughout the script. The actions sequences are very well written and the pacing of the story is very good. I loved the opening sequence, it perfectly defines Kat's character

As an earlier poster mentioned, this is a very marketable script but I'd think about changing the title.

A couple of points for improvement:

The relationship with Eddie doesn't fully develop or fulfill its potential. I think you could flesh out their relationship a little more.

The Manning character felt a bit cliched. It was a nice touch making him a wannabe movie star but his overall character didn't transcend the typical antagonistic police chief stereotype.

Overall, a great script.

I thought it was really good. Unlike other posters, I don’t find the title to be too much of a problem at all. It’s perfectly in line with Hollywood, which loves things neatly packaged into a predictable formula.

Problems:

1) I got a little tired of some of the one liners. There is very nearly every variation on cat clichés imaginable. However, for the same reasons the title is okay, they are expected.

2) I also got a little tired of some of the sexual references. Again, Hollywood would not have a problem with that.

3) I would have liked some form of a love interest. There were few men in the story at all and none suitable for Kat. It would have been nice for her to have a match of some sort.

4) Missing words in dialogue. It dead halts the flow. Of course, that can easily be fixed.

Plusses:

1) Description is fantastic. it’s obviously novel oriented in most places, but you wisely edited it for pacing purposes. Very good job there.

2) Dialogue was overall very good. Other than the aforementioned problems, it was crafted very well, with a lot of originality to balance out any clichés.

3) Good balance (other than no love interest) and flow. The pacing was really good (other than missing words). Length was perfect.

4) Marketability is superb. I can see this getting made, especially with a very minimal amount of polishing.

Good work.

breanne

Not bad. It seems like it's marketable. It's not a movie I'd want to see, but it will have its audience.

The dialogue and story made the reading flow very smooth. I especially liked Kat's one-liners (although they could have been toned down just a little). The title, like others mentioned, should definitely be changed.

Still, keep up your writing style, or try to make it better, and I think it will be produced.

I really really like you writing style.  Like others have said, its very quick and to the point.  You don't spend a lot of time with details in you descriptions.  You just say what needs to be said and get on with it.  I like that.

I also feel your dialouge is fresh.  Some of Kat's lines were very clever and made me laugh(which has never happened from reading a script).

All in all, this is probably the most professionally written script I've read off these boards.  Keep up the great work.