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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Mercenary: Soldier of Fortune Moderators: bert
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  Author    Mercenary: Soldier of Fortune  (currently 5224 views)
Don
Posted: November 13th, 2005, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mercenary: Soldier of Fortune by Guy Jackson - Action - A Canadian born soldier who has moved to America and become a mercenary for hire, is sent on an assassin mission. However in Canada, a revolution is brewing against the United States. Jason at first could care less about a war, because that would mean more work for him. But when the terrorist faction takes away the one thing he does care about, Jason embroils himself fully against the faction.  113 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 3rd, 2008, 9:20pm
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guyjackson
Posted: December 24th, 2005, 2:05am Report to Moderator
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Ah finally signed up for a name on this message board.  

Wow I'm surprised someone actually read my screenplay.  Thanks alot I really appreciate it.  This was my second screenplay I have written.  My first is Resident Evil: Desistance which is also on Simply Scripts.  

I'm kind of learning on the run in terms of screenwriting so I'm getting better every day.  At least I hope I am.  

Again thanks for reading it.  It is much appreciated.  
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guyjackson
Posted: December 25th, 2005, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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I have a PDF format version of this script pending with Don right now if you want to wait for that.  I know those are easier to read than word documents.  It should be up in the next couple days I would think.

Haha and tomson sorry if you thought I was portraying Canada in a bad light or something.  I just was wondering why Canada is never in any movies.  The terrorists are always like South American or Middle Eastern.  I thought this would give it a new twist.    
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tomson
Posted: December 25th, 2005, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Terrorists can come from anywhere, even the suburbs of middle America, but Middle Eastern or S. American terrorists just seem more plausible than Canadians. I guess it's possible for a dog to eat a human, but a shark seem more believable. (hope that made sense)
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guyjackson
Posted: December 25th, 2005, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Haha yeah I got you man.  I'll keep experimenting.
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dejack03
Posted: December 31st, 2005, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Dude.  This would be a kickass movie; even if it does seem like "just another action movie."  Keyword there is "seem."  I liked it a lot.
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guyjackson
Posted: January 1st, 2006, 1:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dejack03
Dude.  This would be a kickass movie; even if it does seem like "just another action movie."  Keyword there is "seem."  I liked it a lot.


Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Yeah I am really proud of this screenplay.  I'm going to bring this with me whenever I can get into film school, hopefully very soon.  

The thing that I was trying to portray with this script was that even though the main character is a killer for a living, he still is a human being and he does have a personal life and someone that he cares about.  

I personally am getting tired of these mindless action movies that have no backstory to them.  I am the type of person that likes to know where the characters come from when I watch a movie.  Not just archetypes running about on screen.  So I tried to give the main character some interest with this script.

I'm thinking about maybe instead of a sequel, which seems almost impossible to write with the ending I wrote, that I would write a prequel to this film explaining why he left Canada, how he ended up as a mercenary in America, how he met his wife, etc..  Just to explain more of Jason's history because I had so much I wanted to put down on paper but I didn't want to go past 120 pages, but that's still in the air.

I'm in the process of two more screenplays that Im focusing on so the prequel will be well in the future if I decide to, but if people like this one maybe a prequel wouldn't be a bad idea.        


Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 1st, 2006, 2:10am
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guyjackson
Posted: January 1st, 2006, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah Don!

He posted my PDF formatted screenplay today.  They look so much better than Word documents.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Mercenary-SoldierofFortune.pdf
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TobiasMoran
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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I just downloaded it. I'll definitely check it out. My script "Anonymously Successful" will be up on the site in a couple of days. it's another "conspiracy/government corruption/assassination" type script that I think would be in your vein. I'd appreciate return feedback from you if that's possible bro.

Thanks
Tobias


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guyjackson
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TobiasMoran
I just downloaded it. I'll definitely check it out. My script "Anonymously Successful" will be up on the site in a couple of days. it's another "conspiracy/government corruption/assassination" type script that I think would be in your vein. I'd appreciate return feedback from you if that's possible bro.

Thanks
Tobias


You got it man.  I'll let you know when I read it.    
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TobiasMoran
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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It's in my siggy fellas. The "full" script is on there (it's actually two parts merged into one - 182 pages full, but split into 89 and 93 separately). Whatever you fellas have, send my way, I'll definitely give them my full attention.

Anonymously Successful is being read right now by Warner Brothers....and 12 and 20 is being read by a sub of Miramax...so I'm jacked about that. Hope you dudes dig it.


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TobiasMoran
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Hey Guy, I just finished reading it. We're all here to be brutally honest (and we should expect it), so that's what I'll be.

My Thoughts.

Decent story. It has a real "Metal Gear Solid" feel to it. Immediately I saw Jason as Snake. But it moves way too quickly and too easily. From William (who we don't know anything about) moving from Jason's friend to foe so quickly to your dialogue, which seems very surfacy at times, almost unbelievable at points - I believe you could thoroughly rework this thing into something very good. I would work on a more solid dialogue in certain spots. One thing my mentor always told me was "what would YOU say if you were in that position?" It helps to think like that. For example, if you were on a S&R mission in the jungles of Colombia, being chased by men with guns, would you jump on the chopper and say "Pilot, take off!"...not me! LOL I'd be screaming "Let's get the EEEEEFFF outta here! GO GO GO!!!"...just a thought though bro...

Page 55 - "If anyone was underneath the bed, they would be pretty holy right now, if you know what I mean" sounds really bad...almost ridiculous. Remove that. We don't need to know that. He's also not going to ask any questions about who they are in the middle of a gun battle. He's going to kill, period.

Ashley seems to know a bit too much. Her friend calls Jason "James Bond" and then when Jason leaves for Canada, she calls it his "mission". I'd dumb down her dialogue to make it seem like she's totally oblivious to what he does.  

If Jason is not wanted in Canada, then how did he get in so quickly? Once scene he's leaving for Canada, the next, he's taking aim at Sophie. With his background in the military, and being court-martialed, wouldn't arriving at the border set off some inquiries? I'd make his return into Canada covert and silent. I'd sneak him back in. I do know the border patrol here in the states have a military system in place for that very same thing. Does Canada?

Three guys jumping out of a garbage can to kill David? That seemed a little far-fetched to me bro. I'd have them sitting in a black car in the alley. That seems more plausible.

All in all, it all seems to move too quickly and too easily. With William kidnapping Ashley, to Francois' cheesy "prepare to die", and the ending with Jason speeding off in a boat and the TV reporting that "all's well" after the public not knowing anything (it was all well to the public before the covert op, so why shouldn't it be all well then?)....It all seems very amateurish.

With a little reworking, this could be really good bro...Don't stop writing...keep pushing. With some fine tuning, you could turn this into another "Bourne" type joint. it just needs a little work.


Now onto the technical stuff....

1. You have WAY too many "shooting" descriptors. Those are a no-no, and producers/directors HATE to see it. "Dissolve to", "Cut to", "Smash to", "Angle on" and the like need to be removed. Your job as the screenwriter is to show ONLY what you can see and hear. Let the director direct the camera angles and screen sequences. I do like how you describe in detail to give the reader great imagery. But that is not needed. Don't describe what the character is feeling or thinking, just write what the audience will see or hear.

At page 42, I was thinking, "He's really only about 20 minutes of screen time into the script, but he's got 22 pages of description".

2. "We see"....sometimes that is unavoidable, but should seldom be used.

For example, "We see Jason crouched down ready to attack." should be re-written to read:

"Jason crouches, ready to attack."

3. When someone speaks in Spanish/French, just write (In Spanish/French) under the character name. No need to mention "in subtitle", for that's a given.

4. Only use (CONT'D) if you're splitting the dialogue between pages.

5. CAPITALIZE character names only ONCE - when they appear on screen for the first time in a speaking role. If you have two new henchmen appear and they don't speak, you don't need to capitalize them. I see that in Tim Silverman. At the beginning, you show his full name capitalized when he appears on Jason's computer. Then in the mansion, he's "TIM"...at first glance, you appear to have two characters. Same thing with SENTRY...the next speaking line is from SENTRY #1. This occurs several times in your script.

6. "Beat" isn't common anymore. It can be used, but I prefer "pause". That's just me though.

7. "Begins to"....big no-no. On my last script coverage, the guy wrote "how do you begin to walk?" It hit me. You don't "begin" to walk...You just walk. "Jason begins to walk over to"....should be "Jason approaches" etc. etc.

8. Pretty much anything else with "to" behind to should be changed. "Walks up to", "Goes over to" should both be changed to "approaches".

9. When describing radio to radio communication, use "O.S." (off screen) rather than "V.O." (voice-over). Voice over is used for narration purposes only.

10. When describing a title card, simply write "TITLE OVER:" and your description.

All in all, read THIS - http://www.geocities.com/fabdaeclectic/ProperScriptFormat.pdf

Hope this helps.
Tobias


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guyjackson
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TobiasMoran
Hey Guy, I just finished reading it. We're all here to be brutally honest (and we should expect it), so that's what I'll be.

My Thoughts.

Decent story. It has a real "Metal Gear Solid" feel to it. Immediately I saw Jason as Snake. But it moves way too quickly and too easily. From William (who we don't know anything about) moving from Jason's friend to foe so quickly to your dialogue, which seems very surfacy at times, almost unbelievable at points - I believe you could thoroughly rework this thing into something very good. I would work on a more solid dialogue in certain spots. One thing my mentor always told me was "what would YOU say if you were in that position?" It helps to think like that. For example, if you were on a S&R mission in the jungles of Colombia, being chased by men with guns, would you jump on the chopper and say "Pilot, take off!"...not me! LOL I'd be screaming "Let's get the EEEEEFFF outta here! GO GO GO!!!"...just a thought though bro...

Page 55 - "If anyone was underneath the bed, they would be pretty holy right now, if you know what I mean" sounds really bad...almost ridiculous. Remove that. We don't need to know that. He's also not going to ask any questions about who they are in the middle of a gun battle. He's going to kill, period.

Ashley seems to know a bit too much. Her friend calls Jason "James Bond" and then when Jason leaves for Canada, she calls it his "mission". I'd dumb down her dialogue to make it seem like she's totally oblivious to what he does.  

If Jason is not wanted in Canada, then how did he get in so quickly? Once scene he's leaving for Canada, the next, he's taking aim at Sophie. With his background in the military, and being court-martialed, wouldn't arriving at the border set off some inquiries? I'd make his return into Canada covert and silent. I'd sneak him back in. I do know the border patrol here in the states have a military system in place for that very same thing. Does Canada?

Three guys jumping out of a garbage can to kill David? That seemed a little far-fetched to me bro. I'd have them sitting in a black car in the alley. That seems more plausible.

All in all, it all seems to move too quickly and too easily. With William kidnapping Ashley, to Francois' cheesy "prepare to die", and the ending with Jason speeding off in a boat and the TV reporting that "all's well" after the public not knowing anything (it was all well to the public before the covert op, so why shouldn't it be all well then?)....It all seems very amateurish.

With a little reworking, this could be really good bro...Don't stop writing...keep pushing. With some fine tuning, you could turn this into another "Bourne" type joint. it just needs a little work.


Now onto the technical stuff....

1. You have WAY too many "shooting" descriptors. Those are a no-no, and producers/directors HATE to see it. "Dissolve to", "Cut to", "Smash to", "Angle on" and the like need to be removed. Your job as the screenwriter is to show ONLY what you can see and hear. Let the director direct the camera angles and screen sequences. I do like how you describe in detail to give the reader great imagery. But that is not needed. Don't describe what the character is feeling or thinking, just write what the audience will see or hear.

At page 42, I was thinking, "He's really only about 20 minutes of screen time into the script, but he's got 22 pages of description".

2. "We see"....sometimes that is unavoidable, but should seldom be used.

For example, "We see Jason crouched down ready to attack." should be re-written to read:

"Jason crouches, ready to attack."

3. When someone speaks in Spanish/French, just write (In Spanish/French) under the character name. No need to mention "in subtitle", for that's a given.

4. Only use (CONT'D) if you're splitting the dialogue between pages.

5. CAPITALIZE character names only ONCE - when they appear on screen for the first time in a speaking role. If you have two new henchmen appear and they don't speak, you don't need to capitalize them. I see that in Tim Silverman. At the beginning, you show his full name capitalized when he appears on Jason's computer. Then in the mansion, he's "TIM"...at first glance, you appear to have two characters. Same thing with SENTRY...the next speaking line is from SENTRY #1. This occurs several times in your script.

6. "Beat" isn't common anymore. It can be used, but I prefer "pause". That's just me though.

7. "Begins to"....big no-no. On my last script coverage, the guy wrote "how do you begin to walk?" It hit me. You don't "begin" to walk...You just walk. "Jason begins to walk over to"....should be "Jason approaches" etc. etc.

8. Pretty much anything else with "to" behind to should be changed. "Walks up to", "Goes over to" should both be changed to "approaches".

9. When describing radio to radio communication, use "O.S." (off screen) rather than "V.O." (voice-over). Voice over is used for narration purposes only.

10. When describing a title card, simply write "TITLE OVER:" and your description.

All in all, read THIS - http://www.geocities.com/fabdaeclectic/ProperScriptFormat.pdf

Hope this helps.
Tobias


First off, I just want to thank you for reading my script in such detail.  I really appreciate it.  Most if not all of the points you've made make a lot of sense.  This was my first script I have ever written and I used Paul W.S. Anderson's Resident Evil screenplay as my guide because I've never wrote using that format before.  That should explain the camera directions and the great amount of subtext.  I'm still having some difficulty with the formatting, but I'm working on that with each new script I'm writing.

All in all, I can't thank you enough.  That seemed like a real Hollywood critique and it has def given me a guide on what I need to do with my follow-ups.

I'm going to get to your screenplay probably by tommorow afternoon, and I'll let you know what I think.    

Later dude.  
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MegaC
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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Fire in the sky.

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I’m short on time, so I’ll keep this short and sweet.

This is a well written piece of work. Reminiscent of Splinter Cell and Metal Gear Solid.

Descriptions:
For the most part, well written, but they were lacking something. Everything was too the point, hardly any detail just tons of action. Try to find that happy medium between simply action and detail. One Example:

We see SHANNON still tied to the chair. The RUSSIAN
MERCENARY is pointing his gun at her forehead. Two other
mercenaries are making rounds through the house and looking
through windows. A television is on in the room RUSSIAN
MERCENARY and SHANNON occupy. Another news report.

All action and no detail, it seems like their should be so much tension in the room, but it doesn’t come out that way.

Dialogue:
What I like most about your script was the Dialogue. It seemed to flow well and the characters lines seemed to match their personalities. In a script like this, you have to know what you’re talking about, and you obviously do. Great work.

Overall really engaging and entertaining. I’ll keep my eye out for more of your work.
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TobiasMoran
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
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You're welcome Guy...anytime..I see potential brudda...keep up the good work...


BTW, I just re-uploaded the screenplay on my site...I fixed some typos...Just an FYI


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greg
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Wow, newbie to the board but not a newbie to the game.

To start, you've got some good writing here.  I found the dialogue to be relatively smooth throughout the story.  Sure, there were some instances of unbelievable dialogue, such as when Jason is threatening people, but for the most part everything sounded well.  Jason's threats though:

"If you refuse to answer it or say you don't know AS an answer, I'm going to drive this knife deeper into your leg." This actually sounded okay, but I think we've heard this many, many, many times in others movies before.  Something new, although kind of sadistic, would be to jam the knife in other places of the body if he doesn't answer.  I think that really means business.

One instance where it didn't work was when he was mouthing off William on the phone.  "Listen you twisted mother fucker!  If you so much as breath on her I'm going to rip your fucking heart out and feed it to you!"  Jason's a hardass, we know that, so I don't think he'd say "twisted motherfucker." That really seems more like a teen horror type of thing.  Maybe something like "Listen you fucking shithole," or something basic or even something super creative.  I'm nitpicking here cause again, the dialogue was pretty well done.

The characters I can go either way on.  I don't really think you made as much character development for Jason as you could have, or characteristics for that.  He seems like Garbiel Logan from the Playstation game Syphon Filter, which is kind of the problem because most video characters don't have big personalities.  But on the plus side, this DID seem kind of like Syphon Filter, which is a game I enjoyed very much.

William didn't seem incredibly evil.  He's a well-mannered and intelligent guy, so he kind of has a low class evil type of thing.  Kind of like John Travolta from Broken Arrow or something.  Antoine was an ass, nice work there, and Ashley was the dame in distress which worked as far as I could tell.

Ya know, the story of Canada and the United States going to war is very interesting and I had alot of fun reading this, but on a realistic level, the odds of it is astronomical.  There wasn't an instance in the story where the Canadian Government was mentioned, which I really think was crucial to the development of the story.  It's kind of like the Sum of all Fears where even though it was a terrorist organization attacking the U.S., the Russian government played a key role.

Technically you have some work to do.  The constant capitalization of names really started to be a distraction.  Capitalize them the first time they appear and only when they're speaking, that's it.  Also, I really liked the mercenary involvement and you had the Spaniard, Asian, African, etc., but again, it got distracting to read RUSSIAN MERCENARY looks at SPANIARD MERCENARY.  We know that they're mercenaries, so it would be a better idea to refer to them as RUSSIAN or SPANIARD, or even give them names but they're roles were pretty brief.

Don't describe how the title will appear in the opening credits, that's something that you see in a Kevin Revie script.  Drop the angles and center the dialogue.  For some reason it was all over the place.  By the way, I'd change the title just to MERCENARY.  Adding the Soldier of Fortune makes it sound more like a sequel...like Syphon Filter: The Omega Code!!

Overall, the script flowed well and hey, there was action throughout.  Your descriptions I felt were well written since I could visualize most if not all of what you were describing.  The whole concept of Canada and the U.S. going to war is very interesting, so this made for a fun and enjoyable read.  Good job!


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TobiasMoran
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I'll be here for a while.. heh heh
check your PM, t...


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guyjackson
Posted: January 7th, 2006, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
Wow, newbie to the board but not a newbie to the game.

To start, you've got some good writing here.  I found the dialogue to be relatively smooth throughout the story.  Sure, there were some instances of unbelievable dialogue, such as when Jason is threatening people, but for the most part everything sounded well.  Jason's threats though:

"If you refuse to answer it or say you don't know AS an answer, I'm going to drive this knife deeper into your leg." This actually sounded okay, but I think we've heard this many, many, many times in others movies before.  Something new, although kind of sadistic, would be to jam the knife in other places of the body if he doesn't answer.  I think that really means business.

One instance where it didn't work was when he was mouthing off William on the phone.  "Listen you twisted mother fucker!  If you so much as breath on her I'm going to rip your fucking heart out and feed it to you!"  Jason's a hardass, we know that, so I don't think he'd say "twisted motherfucker." That really seems more like a teen horror type of thing.  Maybe something like "Listen you fucking shithole," or something basic or even something super creative.  I'm nitpicking here cause again, the dialogue was pretty well done.

The characters I can go either way on.  I don't really think you made as much character development for Jason as you could have, or characteristics for that.  He seems like Garbiel Logan from the Playstation game Syphon Filter, which is kind of the problem because most video characters don't have big personalities.  But on the plus side, this DID seem kind of like Syphon Filter, which is a game I enjoyed very much.

William didn't seem incredibly evil.  He's a well-mannered and intelligent guy, so he kind of has a low class evil type of thing.  Kind of like John Travolta from Broken Arrow or something.  Antoine was an ass, nice work there, and Ashley was the dame in distress which worked as far as I could tell.

Ya know, the story of Canada and the United States going to war is very interesting and I had alot of fun reading this, but on a realistic level, the odds of it is astronomical.  There wasn't an instance in the story where the Canadian Government was mentioned, which I really think was crucial to the development of the story.  It's kind of like the Sum of all Fears where even though it was a terrorist organization attacking the U.S., the Russian government played a key role.

Technically you have some work to do.  The constant capitalization of names really started to be a distraction.  Capitalize them the first time they appear and only when they're speaking, that's it.  Also, I really liked the mercenary involvement and you had the Spaniard, Asian, African, etc., but again, it got distracting to read RUSSIAN MERCENARY looks at SPANIARD MERCENARY.  We know that they're mercenaries, so it would be a better idea to refer to them as RUSSIAN or SPANIARD, or even give them names but they're roles were pretty brief.

Don't describe how the title will appear in the opening credits, that's something that you see in a Kevin Revie script.  Drop the angles and center the dialogue.  For some reason it was all over the place.  By the way, I'd change the title just to MERCENARY.  Adding the Soldier of Fortune makes it sound more like a sequel...like Syphon Filter: The Omega Code!!

Overall, the script flowed well and hey, there was action throughout.  Your descriptions I felt were well written since I could visualize most if not all of what you were describing.  The whole concept of Canada and the U.S. going to war is very interesting, so this made for a fun and enjoyable read.  Good job!


Thanks Doc I appreciate the review.  Sorry guys about not getting back to you on your own screenplays.  I'm reading some of all of yours right now.  I'm going to start with your shorts and then move on to the feature legnth ones.

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bert
Posted: January 7th, 2006, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Guy:  Did you know that when you "quote" somebody, it is OK to go into the text and delete segments of their post, just leaving the parts you want to respond to?

Quoting the whole, entire post -- when it's right there in the post above it -- looks kind of wierd, and clutters your thread.

Not busting your chops or anything.  Just saying, in case you didn't know.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Stephen Wegmann
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Don't get me wrong, I like this script.  I might even say it's really good.  But I only have one problem:  You use "we" too much.  If you took all the "we"s out this would easily really, really good.  The "we"s detract from the reading because it makes it feel less like a film.

This is a great script, the "we"s were just getting a bit annoying.

Stephen


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Scripts completed:

Porello's
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guyjackson
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Resubmitted this again.  I have taken out the we see's and cleaned up the format a bit.

I have also added more dialogue and a couple more scenes that explain the main character's history and I decided to change the ending.

There may still be some formatting errors, so I'll go back again and clean them up hopefully.  I'm trying to get this ready to submit to BlueCat.      

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 28th, 2006, 3:38pm
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TobiasMoran
Posted: January 30th, 2006, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Lemme know when the updated version is back up and I'll check it out again!


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Jaykur22
Posted: February 9th, 2006, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Guy

(**SPOILERS**)

Here is a disclaimer, I’m relatively new at this, I’ve only read through a couple screenplays and asked questions on the site, so my knowledge on format and the like is limited.  I can only comment on story and concept, so that’s pretty much all I do.  I’m pretty thorough so I hope your prepared.  Lastly I don't read other people comments cause it spoils it sometimes, so if you see repeats sorry.  

I looked over your script.  You definitely have a solid beginning on a solid action film here.  I felt your opening was the strongest aspect of this screenplay, I like that your main character doesn’t speak for so long.  It truly establishes the character as a badass.  Normally I’ll review a screenplay and talk about some general comments and then some specific things I noticed.  So, hopefully that’s what your looking for.  Normally I describe what I didn’t like in more detail, and just say a certain line was good, so it may seem like I’m being overly critical.  If you find  that I apologize, I only write to help.

As for general negative points I’m concerned an audience may find a war between the United States and Canada humorous and not take your premise seriously.  I even had a hard time wrapping my head around the idea, kinda makes you laugh when you try and picture someone seriously saying Canada is invading the U.S.  Also I found about the half way point through the screenplay that Jason stops being a badass, he starts talking too much.  Keep him the silent deadly type, you started the screenplay like that, and it really captures the audience, cause your like what is this guys deal.  If you tell us too much we stop wanting to know you know?

Also a general point.  You describe things and expound in great detail for example you say short haircut etc... I got what you were saying the first time.  That’s that.

As for some more detailed observations.  

5- Perth Amboy NJ=seems like an un-American town, an audience could struggle with this city.  Is it necessary for it to occur her, could it be somewhere else for American sounding?

7- Now putting goggles- I was told that you can’t now put on something you just put it on…Kinda like Bob starts to walk…you just walk…

8-Small computer attached to the left arm of Jason (this was what I was talking about with how you expound) =try= Jason’s left arm has a small computer…

8- capture=capture

33- Why would a invasion destroy America’s reputation??

50- Extremist leader so weak?  I don’t understand that comment?
     You also use the word “tricked” it doesn’t feel like it fits there.

59- Jason makes an excuse for his behavior…I’m thinking this guy is a badass, he doesn’t make excuses…the character I picture would even bother answering

61-“this is the ploy” –don’t like that line

62-Don’t understand why blowing up Buffalo would help him escape

64-Antoine=great line
     -note* people seem kinda dumb in this screenplay…this guy just drops a secret mission protocol on the ground???  Have him burn it….

65- 20,000 mercernaries not enough…look into the number of national guardsman in NY alone it’ll blow you away the size of our army.

69- “Now it’s up to you” I don’t understand that line

*Why do the mercenaries kill Jason’s neighbors???

72- Why does Canada blame us for the actions of mercenary, why would they attack us?

73 I think the proper way to do this it POV

74 “with holds a few chairs” ????

77-the gun in mouth was my second favorite part.  Savor the moment though, don’t just blow his head off, let the suspense build.  Make us hear the steel on the guys teeth.  I have ideas for this scene but you may not care what I think so…I’ll leave it at that.

78-I thought she was a reporter not a rebel?

80-“cackle’=crackle

82- Jason’s line= it’s ok…I don’t think it’s good enough…I think you can write it better.

Williams could say: Jason where are your manners???

84- why are you having your audience watch him change.  Seemed weird.  Your audience is teenage males I’m assuming, and I don’t think they want to watch that.

86- au contrary=au contraire

91= Everyone in this screenplay makes dumb mistakes…I’m concerned that it makes the story predictable…truly intelligent characters could bring some twist to you plot…

92-This is the point where the Canadian war with America started to make me laugh, it’s not supposed to be funny but I just picture south park…you know

94-What if they try to trick her into it instead of using brute force???

95- Ruler of North America-seemed kinda hokey

97- why are they all of a sudden trying to kill her?

103- Look up what Canadian court martial means, you say Jason is kicked out of the country, but a court martial doesn’t entail that, what I mean by look up court martial I really mean find the term or charge that would kick him out of the country.  

106- the reason for the war, wasn’t good enough to convince me that it was realistic.  Too easy you need more…

Jason should be something other then a private investigator…something ironic like pest control might work in your favor…It seems like private investigator isn’t far enough away from his real occupation.  I know private investigator is nothing like an assassin I’ve know a few (private investigators that is) but they are criminal justice related.  If his real occupation and his cover occupation were more opposite I feel you might be able to do more with the story?  He could hide weapons in a truck of some kind…I don’t know I’m just brainstorming…and I’m sure you’d want to use your own ideas so I’ll stop with that.

I thought you should have a flash back at some point to the Arabian slit throat incident.  You could use it in many ways.  Develop suspense, or show the story instead of telling it, you know…

All in all I looked over my review it seems fairly negative.  Mainly cause your just going to hear the bad I guess.  The good is your action sequences and those are more something that wow you when you see them, and not necessarily when you read them.

Another major concept I thought you should add was some twists to your plot.  Right now you have a backbone to a fairly interesting action movie, mainly the action scenes themselves.  But the characters do some many dumb things that it makes it predictable.  What I’d hope to see is you develop twists, and you could of course do this multiples ways, but if the characters were more intelligent it could lead to some plot twists.  So that the action and the story were both very engaging.  

Feel free to bounce ideas off me, I’m always looking for someone new to the game like me to run ideas by, especially since it makes it easier if your familiar with the person's work.  Also I’d appreciate it if you don’t mind taking a look at my screenplay I submitted it to Don today.  It’s entitled Forefathers.  Don’t think I took “forefathers” from you, it’s been called that long before I read this screenplay.

Jaykur22


Mason: "Are you sure you're ready for this?"
Stan Goodspeed: "I'll do my best."
Mason: "You're best. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen!"
Stan Goodspeed: "Carla was the prom queen."
Mason: "Really?"
Stan Goodspeed: "Yeah!"
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