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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Route 129 Moderators: bert
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  Author    Route 129  (currently 1715 views)
Don
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Route 129 by John Podolak (roast) - Action - A bus load of school children is hijacked. A retired police officer, and father of two of the children on the bus, stumbles across the crime and relentlessly chases them down. An action-packed drama, ROUTE 129 is filled with gritty thrills and surprising twists. Stopping at nothing to rescue his kids, Preston Lewis challenges himself and must cross the line between crime and justice to rescue his children. But, it takes such a heinous crime to make Preston Lewis come face to face with the crimes from his past where forgiveness is not easily given. 89 pages - doc, format


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Bates
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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I like the sound of this, i'll give it a read and let you know what i think.


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Bates
Posted: April 29th, 2006, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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You're looking at a Goddess

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I just finished reading it and here's what i thought.

Spoilers!!











1. Good plot and Good Format.

2. instead of Graphic Appears you could use Tile Card or Screen Overview.

3. Some basic errors that need to be corrected e.g Preston says " I told Rebecca i wasn't going to be late tonight....but not this late" it doesnt make sense to me, should it say " I told Rebecca i was going to be late tonight....but not this late."
Page 21 you have " Petal " instead of " Pedal ". Page 85 " Ryan walks back to Ryan "

4. The first three times Ryan is seen you introduce him as " Ryan, Zoe's Father "
We already know who he is, you don't need the father part.

5. When Preston let's Lex escape it seems to easy the way Lex talks him round.

6. Later when Preston and Lex meet back up they don't remember each other until the next couple of pages, Preston was written as a by the book cop and i think he would remember the guy who he let go as it is the only time he has went against the book in his entire career.

7. Preston breaks down and then is hugged by Lex. Lex is supossed to be this street wise criminal, i'm sorry but i don't see him giving Preston a hug. Maybe he could give him an uncomfortable pat on the shoulder or something like that.

8. What happens to Lex? The last we see of Lex is in the warehouse when Trevor grabs the gun from him?

9. Preston is meant to have a dodgy leg but is running quite normally in the warehouse.

10. At the end at the bus stop you write " Preston is standing off to one side as everyone waits " then a few lines later you write " A large Passenger van pulls up next to the curb and the door opens. Preston is driving. " How can Preston be standing and driving at the same time?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but these are some of the things i noticed and thought i should comment on. I hope these points help you with rewrites.

Good luck with future writing

Robert   






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rymatt
Posted: April 30th, 2006, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds good, I'll tell you how i liked it later this week.
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TAnthony
Posted: May 4th, 2006, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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This script had a kind of "Cellular" or "Speed" type feel to it. There were many parts that kept you on the edge of your seat, and the news conference scenes were good relievers from the action. Nice job on keeping up some suspenseful moments.

HUGE SPOILERS:

The Good
-The part with Monica and her doctor is pretty funny, good work.
-Every scene including the kids being held captive on the bus was good.
-Johnny's not really dead-you fooled me I'll admit it.
-The other suspensful or plot twister parts I liked were the close call with the mom, when Rebecca almost talks to her daughter. Lex's car running out of gas at the worse moment, Lex turning out to be involved, and in the beginning when the bus disappears in the truck

The bad
-This isn't that big of a deal, but you don't need to state the acts.
-This isn't a big deal either, but I really don't think people use the phrase "fat chance" anymore.
-Wouldn't the captors check for cell phones?
-The hunch with the black explorer, a little too coincidental.
-Cut up some of the lenghty action sequences. Easier to read. Some of the action paragraphs were just way too long.
-The tie up at the end just wasn't satisfying at all. Ryan's willing to kill forty children just to let him feel the pain he caused him. That's not good enough.
-The part when Preston sees the bus with the children on it the first time wasn't very realistic, the action that is.
-Have more suspenseful parts inside the bus.

Good Luck this scripts gotta lot of work, but I can see this one doing good.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

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