Jordan, i'll start by saying thanks. I appreciate your comments and suggestions.

As this is the first script i wrote i'll admit i did have trouble when it came to charcter development, but i now have much more insight into building up characters which i hope will stand good in the re-write.

I'm glad you found the story creepy as that's what i set out to do with this script, so at least that part works.

As far as the rescue scene goes, i'm almost certain to delete that from the next re-write. As you and others have said they should have gone straight to police and because they don't the script doesn't seem realistic unless they have a good reason for not going to the police. So this definitley needs to be reworked.

Again Thanks.

Robert

Okay Robert,

You asked me to read your script, so I did.

First let me congratulate you for finishing your script! You are ahead of me already. I think you wrote this really nicely and I want you to remember that as you read the rest.

I see that you have some really nice reviews already and knowing who they are, I can imagine most of the problems have already been addressed.

I’m just going to tell you what I thought about the story itself and how I saw it. You may not like that, but I’m being honest. Let me ad to this that I do like horror movies. Just because I’m a woman and not a youngster does not mean I only like dramas and romances. In fact I like scary, psychological, violent, gruesome, gory even messy. One thing that doesn’t work for me though is monsters and zombies. The only monsters that scare me are the human ones.

SPOILERS:

I thought it started out pretty good. I would’ve really enjoyed knowing more about the history of the Scarecrow and how it came about. Definitely would’ve liked some more info on Raines.

After that opening sequence however, you slowly lost my interest. I honestly felt like I’ve seen (or read) this before. Not just once, but many times. I actually put your script down several times to do other things like laundry for example.

Teenagers (or young people), a little sex, an abandoned area or woods, a monster, some killings. I don’t know what to tell you, I wish I could tell you I was scared stiff and on the edge of my seat and that it all seemed fresh and new to me, but I can’t. I’m sorry.

What’s with all the you’s?

Pg2,    my brothers will get use – used
Pg4,    Sara, Tony, my girl Leanne is dialogue, but you have it as action line.
Pg5,    ditto page 4, Colt’s dialogue
Pg6,    arrested for drink driving – drunk driving
           don’t give Tony or Leanne any grieve – grief
pg8,    Apology – apology
           dialogue line out of place again
           been serious or just joking – being
pg9,    dialogue is cut in half and continues on next page
pg10,  ditto pg9.
Pg12,  Colt kicks through the car window. I know this is make believe, but have you  
          ever tried kicking through a car window? I have, it’s VERY hard. You also say  
          the window shatters and then he pulls Anna out through the window. Wouldn’t
          she get really cut up during this?
Pg13,   COLY – COLT
Pg14,   when there all – they’re
Pg24,   GROCERIES STORE – GROCERY STORE
           past there sell by date – their
pg25,   SCARECROW MAKING SHOP – DAVY – DAY
pg27,   were coming to meet you’s – we’re coming to meet you
           TOWN – HOUSE – DAT – DAY
Pg28,   you say Leanne squirms from the smell of the toilet…after 25 years it still smells?
Pg30,   practically out the town – out of the town
Pg31,   Let’ look – let’s look
Pg35,   Tony takes Sara’s hand and try’s – tries
           all of there eyes – their
pg43,   looking around for there target – their
pg45,   discover there blown out cars – their
pg46,   jeep door but them – jeep door, but then
           where taking this jeep – we’re
           he Gavin and Sara the rest up - ?
pg47,   EXT. WOOD – NIGHT  - WOODS
pg49,   nice twist!!
Pg51,   he sticks his pen knife into her heart? Pen knife….really                    
Pg52,   she’s grabs – she grabs
           blood to splatter – blood start to splatter


I wish I could’ve been more positive. If it makes you feel any better, I think it was really nice for a first script and like I said earlier, you’re ahead of me already.

Pia, thanks for taking the time to read this. Don't worry about being positive.

I like to take the good with the bad, it's all part of becoming a better screenwritter.
Being honest it helps more when people point out what hasn't been done right rather than point out all the good things.

Thanks for noting those errors. Some of them have already been fixed, others i hadn't notice. So thanks for pointing those out to me.

Regarding the you's, that is just a word the Scots like to use a lot(i do anyway) and i hadn't noticed that i used it so much in the script, so that is something else to work with by getting out of the habbit of using that word so much.

All in all, i just want to say thank you again. I will be sure to return the read.

Robert

I must admit that I am a novice myself when it comes writing screenplays, so I do admit to not knowing all. With that said, I thought Scarecrow was a clever and creative short script. It seemed very well structured and well formatted. The plot worked well and the characters kept the story rolling. I have two criticisms: One, much of the dialog seemed unnatural, two, the story line was very predictable. Only the significant others die? I saw that coming as soon as they were introduced. With some work on the dialog and maybe a few introduction scenes for each character, this could be a pretty good horror feature. The begining was creepy as hell by the way. Good stuff there.

This a second draft Rob?  Let me know.

Quoted from jbothun4 I must admit that I am a novice myself when it comes writing screenplays, so I do admit to not knowing all. With that said, I thought Scarecrow was a clever and creative short script. It seemed very well structured and well formatted. The plot worked well and the characters kept the story rolling. I have two criticisms: One, much of the dialog seemed unnatural, two, the story line was very predictable. Only the significant others die? I saw that coming as soon as they were introduced. With some work on the dialog and maybe a few introduction scenes for each character, this could be a pretty good horror feature. The begining was creepy as hell by the way. Good stuff there.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, i'm glad you enjoyed it. You're criticisms are true as others have pointed out. so there is no denying it, i need to work on the dialogue and try to make the storyline more suspenseful and less predictable.

Be sure to let me know when you have a script posted and i will return the read.

Robert

Hey Bate I just got through reading your screenplay, not sure if this is a first draft or not.  I wont point out any mistakes as I feel many have already done this.

What I will say is I think you have a great concept but it does need some work.  I think your dialogue could do with work, some of it seems a bit strange and out of place.  These kids don't seem too bothered that their friends are being killed.  I think they need to show some emotion (if they are bothered about them being killed why should we be).

You couls easily fill this story out so it becomes longer as it too short at the moment but I thought the opening of the story was excellent.  It seems a little rushed and hurried, maybe you could slow the pace down a bit in the second act before building up again in the third.  This would add some needed bulk to your characters.

All in all, with a bit of tinkering, this could become a really good screenplay.
I look forward to reading an update.

Alffy, thanks for the read and review.