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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Loud and Nasty Moderators: bert
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  Author    Loud and Nasty  (currently 11141 views)
Don
Posted: May 7th, 2006, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Loud and Nasty by Tyler Hawkins (Tanthony) - Action - Notorious gangster, Tucker Price, protects his dim wit brother, deals with his cheating girl friend and fends off a stranger looking for revenge. 102 pages - pdf, format




Down and Dirty by Tyler Hawkins (Tanthony) - Action - An aging gangster and his buddy go on a manhunt to kill the person who murdered their friend. Sequel to Loud and Nasty. 104 pages - pdf, format



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 27th, 2007, 6:00pm
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TAnthony
Posted: May 8th, 2006, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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I'd really appreciate any kind of feedback. You can be as harsh as you want I just want the truth.

Thanks.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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mgj
Posted: May 9th, 2006, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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I just finished reading this and my impressions were that, while it made for an amusing read, it was just too long.  It has always been my understanding that a script should be between 90 and 120 pages so it would probably be in your best interests to pair it down quite a bit.  139 pages is asking alot from the reader.

Personally I'd start with the dialog.  In many ways this was the strength of the script.  It was colorful and even, at times, witty but truth be told it also went a little overboard.  I'm willing to bet that by reviewing each scene and removing any redundant lines of dialog or reworking certain passages you'd pair it down quite a bit.

Some of the more memorable scenes that stuck out for me were when Rocky visited his son Johnny at his home and tried, quite poorly, to explain to him why he was never around.  I also liked the Shaft/Dirty Harry comparisons.

Formatting wise this was fine.  I noticed only a few minor spelling mistakes.  Most involved missing comas in some of the dialog passages.  The additional log lines that you inserted indicating that this was still a flashback sequence were quite helpful.  Without them it could have gotten quite confusing.

I'm still trying to replay the story arc in my mind.  It's my recollection that the kidnapping/ransom sequence occurs quite late, possibly near the mid-way point.  This should probably occur much sooner since it sets so many things in motion for the rest of the story.

Overall this could make for an interesting gangster picture with a bit of work, something along the lines of Payback or Pulp Fiction.  There were some memorable moments and you seem to have a good grasp of the genre.  Just be sure, if you do any rewrites, to distance yourself from those films as much as possible and focus on what makes your story unique.

Hope this helps.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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TAnthony
Posted: May 9th, 2006, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Never take your eyes off your opponent

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Thanks for the review Mgj it was very useful. This script is still a work in progress, and I'm still trying to take the page numbers down a bit. I guess you're right about the kidnapping, maybe that should occur a little later.

Thanks a lot for the review.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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ChipPollo
Posted: May 11th, 2006, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Man, I really love this Tucker Price cat. He reminds me alot of James Bond. I get the feeling this script originally had him working with gadgets and shit. Also, was Q-tip supossed to be related to Jerry's character? I know it seems like a long shot but I kept getting that vibe. Reese was definetly the standout in the story to me. There is something about that guy that seemed so real to me
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TAnthony
Posted: May 11th, 2006, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Never take your eyes off your opponent

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ChipPollo, I don't understand what you mean. There is no one in my story named     Q-tip or Jerry.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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phenom
Posted: May 11th, 2006, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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hey tanthony i read your script. first of your script was in the right format, but i can care less about the format. i really like tucker hes a cool cat. i really enjoyed reading your script, i was always intersted what was going on in your story, i was never bored. the only con was that i think your script may be to long. but that doesnt really matter, the important thing is that you have good story and a good script, which you do have. i also really like the dialog in your script. well keep up the good work, hope to read more of your scripts in the future and i also read some my upcoming scripts in the future.
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rymatt
Posted: May 13th, 2006, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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I liked it. The dialouge was pretty real and the storyline was fresh for how many times it was used. Good job!
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: May 14th, 2006, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Just finished.

First Thoughts

It was long, you can trim some things out of it to make it shorter.

The dialogue was okay, I wasn't too fond of it in some places, but others it was quite good.

Some minor spelling mistakes that I can get passed.

I loved all the characters, as well as their names (Frizzy, Fat Boy) it had a "snatch" feel to it.

Again, like many others are saying, Tucker is one cool dude.


Great job, kudos to writing a script that's longer then 120, I find it hard to finish a screenplay.

Keep up the good work, you'll only get better in time and that's when it really knocks the socks off.

I hope to read more things from you in the future.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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DanMilitello
Posted: May 14th, 2006, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Very good read....entertaining I thought the whole way through.

pretty much agree with the others....cut it down to about 115-118 max and it will be even better.

I did like the character Tucker...bad ass is all I have to say
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DanMilitello
Posted: May 14th, 2006, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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Oh almost forgot

7/10
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TAnthony
Posted: May 14th, 2006, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Never take your eyes off your opponent

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Thanks for the review Dan. Very helpful.

I'll check out one of yours.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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huckleberry
Posted: May 15th, 2006, 1:00am Report to Moderator
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I had a couple ideas for a screen play, but didn't know how to write one...the format and what not. I just googled "screen plays" -one click led to the next and I landed at this site.  Because of your script, I'm glad I did.  I don't even know how to write a screen play so I'm not able to offer you any constructive criticism.  I am in the position to tell the author whether I liked it or not (if not, then I just don't comments).  I liked it. It was flowed very nicely (only took me two and a half beers to read it) and something I'd pay money to see on screen.  keep up the good work.  
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ChipPollo
Posted: May 15th, 2006, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TAnthony
ChipPollo, I don't understand what you mean. There is no one in my story named     Q-tip or Jerry.


Sorry about that. I mean't Carl, not Q-Tip. I've always got those two names mixed up. But anyway, I mean't Carl and Vincent.
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TAnthony
Posted: May 15th, 2006, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Never take your eyes off your opponent

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Wow! how could you possibly think Carl and Vincent were related? Those two characters have a combined total of like 6 lines. In two different parts of the story. And how do you get Carl and Q-tip mixed up? And Jerry and Vincent mixed up? Well to answer your question no.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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