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I really don't have much to say, except that I fully enjoyed the read.Like I said in my PM to you, I will get back with you about specifics at a later date. I just wanted to let you know that I read it and that I enjoyed it.
Off to read some more, talk to you soon!
A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.
I'm at the half way point so I'll post what I think so far.
This is an intersting story and I wanna see where it ends up, I think I have a feeling who the man is, I may be wrong though.
first onto the some grammer mistakes.
on page 8 you have Rocky say" these OUR the kinda places...." I think you ment ARE.
On page 20 you have Tucker say "I'm the smarter out of us" that should be "the smarter one of the two of us"
On page 21 Luther says "you proabaly didn't even knock hard enough" should be "you proabaly didn't knock hard enough"
On page 33 Tucker says " you talk like this is an all out bad guy" should be" you talk like he's an all out bad guy"
On page 35 Cassandra says "did you feel bad about" ahould be "did you feel bad about it"
On page 39 Rocky says " that's how Rick you used to be" should be "that's how rick used to be"
On the story itself it holds together pretty good. there are a few parts that drag on though. The Sammy kill scene seems to go on and on and on, then they talk about it for another couple pages. I think it would be cool if he was shot and they just went on like it never happend. Then when Tucker gets home and talks to Cassandra about it, it goes on and on again, I don't think that conversation is needed.
The whole part with Rocky and his son should go, That scene was kinda wierd, I don't know anyone who would say those things to their little kid, it felt off, even from a scumbag like Rocky.
so that's as far as I got so far. I will finish the rest tonight or tomorrw, I'm interested to see where's it's going. It's a pretty good story so far. Good work.
I thought this was an interesting script, but it does seem to be a little bloated, there are lots of things that should be trimmed. some dialog seems to go on for far too long repeating what has just happened, those are some things you can cut out to shorten up this script.
I liked The Tucker character, he was interesting and not a cardboard cut out, good job there. Cassandra was a real bith, I was hopin she was gonna get it cause she deserved it the most.
I had a problem on page 65 where the man smacks the reseptionist around,, her reaction and what follows is not realistic, so I suggest you change that.
on page 100 you have Rocky say "we just and answered all those stupid questions you asked" I didn't get that.
also on page 100 you have slick say" speak when I spoken too you" should be "speak when spoken to"
on page 119 and 120 you need scene headings.
I also think there is enough plot is this script for two movies, you have a lot going on here, I thinks some of the sub plots should be taken out, especialy the part with Rocky and his son, none of that felt real.
I liked how you tied things up in the end, and what happens there I did not see coming, good job.
All in all you had a good story that just seemed to drag a little bit, if you tightened this up I think it would work a lot better. Good work and keep up with the writing
So I finished your script this morning and here are my thoughts:
Early on in the script, I got a Sin City vibe, but then that went away when the focus switched from The Man to Tucker. Now, I'm not sure what kind of vibe I get.
You need curse words! Most people (myself included) tend to use too many bad words, but you used NONE. Clearly that was your intent, but I can only take so much of people calling each other "sucka." Afterall, these are not good people in this story, let the language fly!
I'm a fan of flashbacks and other jumps in time, and that works really well. Some of your pivotal scenes could use a bit more tension. Sometimes actions and reactions happen too quickly.
Here's a little breakdown from my notes I made while reading:
Page 4 - The man’s dialogue about Tucker should be shortened, it just seems a bit repetitive.
Page 7 - Does the man kill the waiter who goes for the phone, or what? Also, when the group is walking throught the apartment, there’s four of them but it says "leading the 5."
Page 17 – by now with the violence and the dark undertone, I’m wondering where the hell is the cursing? It’s good to show restraint, but come on man, let’s rev this bitch up!
Page 19 - How do we know their carrying narcotics in their backpacks? We find out later, so why not wait to tell us?
Page 23 – Already found multiple typos! Proofread!
Page 24 - We need to know if Tucker and Luther took their backpacks away from the thugs. Not clear. On the next page we figure it out, but why wait on that?
Page 26 – Tucker and Luther talk way to casually with Tooth Pick. There needs to be more fear/respect there, afterall, they're punk kids and he's a grown gangster.
Page 30 – Too much telling without showing. We learn all kinds of stuff about Cassandra by you telling us. Page 42 – I like the inclusion of the title.
Page 59 – The man’s dialogue sounds like sin city and rourke’s character. (good thing)
Page 67 – No ski-masks when they kidnap Reggie? Not concerned about identity pretty much throughout...
Page 78 – Scene where Tucker catches Cassandra cheating – more suspense needed, maybe Smooth is hiding in the closet or something and Cassandra has to lie…
Page 81 – On several occaisions, people fire guns in apartments and no cops are called.
Ending - I expected a big showdown between Luther and Tucker, but I must say, I was not dissapointed that Luther killed himself. It was a surprise, but it was also very human that he did not gain as much satisfaction from his revenge as he thought.
Overall, I enjoyed this script. The thing about these types of movies is that the characters' personalities and quirks must be over the top to sell their fantastic actions and reactions.
You seem to be a big fan of loyalty, which rings loud and clear in Tucker and Mile's relationship, as well as with the twins. The fact that Tucker does not kill Smooth, was a nice touch, because the flow of the script had me thinking Tucker would just shoot him quickly.
Since loyalty is important, it works well that the main conflicts are based on betrayal.
See if you can go in and spice up the emotional feel, add a little cursing (it's already rated R anyway) and up the suspense and it will be solid through and through.
Alright. Sorry for the big delay. Like I explained, I had other scripts ahead of you and I also cover scripts for a company in LA so that got in the way too.
I think you have the foundation for a solid story here. The foundation for a good lead and a good cast of characters as well. Overall, it really needs a lot of work. This is probably your first draft and (I hope you're not insulted when I write this) it reads like it.
I'm going to nail you on a lot of things since I tried to go line by line in trying to determine your intention. This might look really ugly when you're done reading this but I can assure you, if you correct them, you'll be able to start the all-important re-write on strong footing.
First of all, I am not a fan of titles being used in screenplays. Sometimes it works out you decide on a title because it's somewhere in the script, sometimes you intentionally decide to include it. Both, in my opinion are lazy. Loud and Nasty could stay as your title though. Just...well, whatever. I already said it. It is definitely a good title, catchy...ala SNATCH. And if this is the typre of genre that you're going for then it fits. Overall, I tought it played out more like a SNATCH than a GOODFELLAS. A gangster comedy is more the genre here. Not Action.
This could, facetiously be called FLASHBACK. You use way too much and when you do, they're way too long. WAY, WAY, WAY too long. This is part of structure. It really breaks up any rhythm that was building and diverts it to another storyline. Seems like your flashbacks are more character development. The kind that you write FOR YOURSELF in order to get to know your characters. You should think about cutting these and write in the current-day timeline and be hinting at what happened in the past. This could be a much more intriguing structure.
Your lead character is supposed to be Tucker yet he feels really lost and muddled as a lead. Your antagonist is supposed to be Luther yet he is lost because of the flashbacks. In order to make a convincing antag, we can't know every single detail about him. In your flashbacks, you show every single motivation and then the payoff becomes bland. You need to continue the aura of mystery about him that comes off well in your intro. Your intro was very well written by the way. Good pacing.
You need to cut out the CUT TO's and the CAMERA DIRECTION. It's a spec. You don't need them. Should I say, you're not suppose to have them. (A very important lesson I learned in this website)
Also, If you're going to use Flashbacks, do not us STILL IN FLASHBACK. A Flash is a Flash until you use the words END OF FLASHBACK. I saw this so many times and it became very irritating.
Let's start with some specific errors that I found. Brace yourself...
PAGE 1: ( First, a reader should never have to put PAGE ONE on any of your script notes. This is a very bad start.)
Description: "A man put a round in his face..." Not needed. Get rid of it.
Obviously if he's smiling, he wouldn't be angry. He simply has a determined look. Period.
"It's an average, old diner with a few parked cars in front." Doesn't this get to the point faster than what you have?
Get rid of the passive verbs. Write in the present tense. "The owner turns around and prepares the coffee."
Page 3- The owner is the owner. There are no other owners here. No need to specify it again that he owns the diner.
Page 4 - The owner turns around. (period) Get rid of everything else.
Page 7 - How can a stare be scared?
Tucker Price (mid thirties or mid 30's) He is handsome. Period. Not rather handsome and not rather bad-looking.
Rocky carries a black suitcase. Avoid the word nice. Sounds too generic and frankly, no excuse for not having a handy thesaurus by your side.
Like I said before, Good Intro. Good job.
Page 14 - The four men walk out of the apartment complex and towards a black Escalade. Avoid everything else. Not needed to say that Samuel is running his mouth. Also, don't know how you'ld write it but you shouldn't have brand names like Escalade. Write a large, black S.U.V.
Page 16 Full shot? Are you shooting this?
page 19 - Driving the convertible is The Man. (period) Nothing else needed.
The Flashback note: This is your script. You tell us what kind of FB it is.
Why is there some dialouge in italics?
page 25 - If he breaks both his wrists, how could he grab his hand?
TOOTH PICK, a fat man, sits behind a desk. Nothing else needed.
page 26 - His arm is broken? Not his wrists?
LONG LONG LONG FLASHBACK. Refer to opening statement about this. You're in p26 and a third of it is a flashback. That's is not good for pacing. I should be getting to know the character in his present age not the one in his past!
page 35 - Tucker's retort about Sammy doesn't fit with his argument with the twins. Am I missing something here?
page 38 - "In flashbacks, thy're still wild and irresponsible..." Really? How? Thanks for the info but show me, don't tell me.
And as a note: All of them sound like irresponsible morons. Don't know if that's what you're trying to do but I would recommend you change it up. If they're all going to behave the same way, then start combing characters and start shortening the script.
p49 - Rocky's dialouge with his son is really well done. Laughing here but yet, it's way too long. I know what you're getting at here. Kind of like a Jerry Maguire moment with the kid in the sofa. Look for said script in this site and check out how Cameron Crowe does it. He breaks it up and still gets to the same point that you're trying to get at. Imitation is the best form of flattery.
Pages 38-50 is one long flashback. So far you have 50 pages and twenty or so is flashback. That means it's 40 percent. you need to re-evaluate the impact this has on your story. It's not working for me at this point.
p51 - You need to capitalize Reese's intro.
page 59 - I just noticed this for a second time...where is Tucker's (VO) during flashbacks coming from? Is he our narrator? If so, he has not been established as the narrator.
I'll stop with the page numbers now. I could go on and on but I believe that I have given you the foundation needed to properly go back into the script with an eye on these things.
I counted the number of pages in flashbacks. FORTY. Forty pages of flashback which could easily be five. 139-40+5= A pretty tight script. You see, what those forty pages are doing is cutting of the rhythm of what was intended. A story of revenge with a slight twist at the end. The antagonist gets lost in the first half because the majority of it is flashback involving the antagonist. When you start explaining motive then he isn't quite a bad guy anymore so when actually gets going and starts killing, we know and sympathize too much. You see? Kind of like the mistake with the new Star Wars trilogy. Altough Lucas stated that he wanted to tell the story of Darth Vader before he got into the suit, it completely demolishes the meaning of the original trilogy. I want their to be an element of mystery surrounding antagonists. This is primarily why it makes them so interesting. When he kills himself, you say to yourself "Well, it's not surprising. Ah well." <----Do you really want someone saying this coming out of a movie theater? Or would you prefer them saying "Holy Shit! That caught me by surprise!"
I wanted to spend the time reading and analyzing your baby. This is YOUR BABY! It's obvious by the replies that no one has actually sat down to give you a proper and serious critique of your work. I wanted to fill you with as much ammunition to attack your script again and find for you the major flaws so you can deal with them.
i will restate that all in all, you have a very solid foundation for screenplay. It is a very interesting genre that you're tackling but the theme and execution is getting lost with the witty banter you're focusing on. Overall, a lenghty read that read like the page count. You can cut this by trimming those forty pages and focusing more on the main goal for the main character.
If there's anything more I can do for you, don't hesitate to contact me.
As I promised; I just finished reading Loud and Nasty. I personally think it's a good script, much violent, but good. Dialogs are living. I would see it set in the 40's. It'd be a nice film noir atmosphere thriller. Good work.
Anyway, the most difficult thing to get through the screen would be the hidden identity of the MAN. In fact, we guess very soon, as soon as the flashback starts, that he is Luther (page 19). On the paper, you can create the suspense, but on the frame it would be harder. Setting the action in the 40's, you could wear your character with a hat, and it wouldn't be too much cliché then.
Sorry it's taken me a little while to respond. Here are my thoughts:
Over all, gotta say that I feel like this draft needs to be ironed out a lot. It took me a while to get into it but after finishing it, I could honestly say there is a movie in there. But you really need to streamline a lot of it and can easily cut out 25 pages without missing a beat.
The main problems I had, in terms of the actual writing, were that the script was overwritten. There were lots of instances where you told the reader what happened instead of letting it come out through character and dialogue. There was way too much exposition. I understand that lots of times you want conversations to feel realistic, but that can be acheived by having strong characters rather than using exposition, which I have a couple of examples of below. Also, the punctuation needs to be cleaned up. It didn't bother me but I could see agents/producers putting the script down because there are many cases where you're missing commas, periods, etc. I have some other thoughts which I think I can cover in the page notes. Tried to be as specific as possible but I'm more of a big picture guy. That being said, I LOVED the ending which pretty much made lots of stuff work that I didn't care for as the script went along. The trick is to keep people interested enough to get to the ending.
HEADLINES: - Tucker needs to be more charasmatic and more of a baddass. Sometimes comes off as a victim of circumstance and yet he has this big reputation. What is he? That needs to be fleshed out much more.
- Flashbacks need to be cut down. We're getting way too much information. I don't think we even need to know what exactly happened to Luther, all we need to know is that Luther was wronged by his best friend.
- Too much exposition (examples below, but not every instance). Too many characters that you really don't need.
- Structure is way off. To me, the story should be about a showdown with two badass guys. One, is Tucker, the other is Luther. It should be about Tucker, the most fearless guy in town, watching an unknown scary guy take out his guys one by one. And watching Tucker slowly gain fear as the showdown approaches. Who is this guy? What does he want? Kinda like a human PREADTOR, with a purpose and motivation. Maybe a bad analagy but that's where the movie is to me.
pg. 1 - A man put a round... - cut this. Example where you shouldn't tell the audience this. If nothing else, you're giving away a huge plot point on your third line of the script.
pg. 3 - top half - perfect example of too much exposition.
pg. 5 - The Man calling the guy a moron sounds like a kid taunting another kid. It's not scary. Down further on the page, more exposition that is un-needed. Focus on the pacing of the scene, the fear, the terror.
pg. 7 - I wasn't sure if I was rooting for The Man or not after the opening scene. I liked it and felt at that point that he might've been the protagonist. Wasn't sure until you tell the reader a few lines down that Tucker is the protag. You shouldn't tell us, we should know, be drawn to, love the guy. I was preetty drawn to the Man, seemed like he has way more personality than Tucker. That is def. something u need to fix.
pg. 15 - don't buy the accidental shooting. Plus, you really want to steer away from anything that resembles Pulp Fiction. A philsophical conversation before a hit will automatically bring that to mind.
pg. 16 - if Tucker is as tough as he's supposed to be, why do we have Zach & Rocky talking back to him so much? This is a consistent problem for Tucker.
pg. 19 - Didn't buy that they did nothing after The Man hit their car. These are supposed to be badasses and they don't even really care? They just shot a guy for no reason yet they let this pass. Don't buy it. Also, you need to figure out a more inventive way to weave in the flashback. It comes out of nowhere.
pg. 26 - Tooth Pick's first dialogue at top of page is a perfect example of the lack of puncation all over the script.
pg. 29 - Tucker's first lines. Another example of unnessary exposition.
pg. 30 - instead of telling us that Cass loves money, show us. And that scene goes on way too long w/ her.
pg. 41 - at top of page, you're re-telling something that the reader has already read.
pg. 46 - i like pit bull's line about not cutting his name in two. a really good character driven line. try and do more of that w/ the other characters.
pg. 57 - don't get point of the scene w/ Slick.
pg. 59 - don't get the Man telling us his story. comes out of nowhere because its the only time in the script that anyone has done this (talking to himself). is this a stylish thing? if so, use it more. even if they break the fourth wall (a la INSIDE MAN), could be cool but must be consistent.
pg. 78 - you lost the impact of Smooth banging Cass because you already showed them together. Why not hide it and reveal it here?
pg. 84 - the revelation that The Man is coming after all of them comes way too late. This, in my opinion, IS THE MOVIE.
pg. 87 - they know someone is trying to kill them, yet they "wonder what that was all about" when the Man tries to run them over??? and worse yet, don't even go after him?? Makes no sense. Also, a ton of exposition on that page.
pg. 98 - this happens way too late. if you want to create this obstacle, do it earlier in the script. we should only be focusing on the showdown vs. Tucker & the Man by now.
pg. 106 - we shouldn't get lost in the POV of two people who mean nothing to the story at this point. we don't need to see these guys hunting down our hero. It's not their movie.
pg. 124 - really great ending!
That's it. Let me know if you have any other questions. I think you do have something here but it needs some work. I'll post more thoughts if they come to me.