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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Loud and Nasty Moderators: bert
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ChristopherW and 2 Guests

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  Author    Loud and Nasty  (currently 11241 views)
Coleman
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 1:52am Report to Moderator
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TAnthony i've started reading the 124 page version of your story.  it's interesting, but i'm i'll tell you wut dooglebe told me.  in your actions, don't write down things that can't be filmed.  becuz this is a screenplay you have to show wut is happening rather than mearly saying it.  inner thoughts like "he knew exactly who Tucker Price was"  and feelings like "he felt uneasy" are two things that should be kept seperate from the action lines.  if this were a novel or a short story that it would be fine to merge the three.

second, avoid consistant use of words ending with -ing-.  only use them when you absulelty have to or if no other word will fit in its place. for instance. "what's the whether like outside?"  "It's pouring out there. you better bring an umbrella."

third. avoid words ending in -ly if possible.  i've learned words ending -ly tell an actor what to do and how he or she should do it.  that in turn takes away from the actors own interpretation of how he or she wants to play a character.

that's all i can think of for now. i'll start reading on your latest copy now.

~Brandon~


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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greg
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Ya know, I just realized that your name is Tyler.  I've been calling you Anthony all this time.  Ha.  My apologies.  Also my apologies for the delayed review, but as promised, here it is.

So, my thoughts on your story are all over the place.  I think you have a good premise and the style/mood is consistent, but the script itself feels bloated.  At times it feels like it just kind of drags on in both the dialogue and descriptive parts.  I'm just gonna go off the top of my head here, so bear with me.

*The killing.  There's alot of loud and messy murders taking place in this story and the only one that is actually seen is Pit Bull's death.  I mean you got this guy who goes into a dinner and causes a scene, there's gunshots in a private residence, there's gunshots outside, at a gas station, people are dying all over the place!  Maybe this is Oakland and shit happens, ya know?  But I think you should try to be more conservative with the death, or do it more creatively.  If this draft were filmed I think it would get an R rating due to some sticky violence, so you can toy around with some of the murder scenes.  Rocky gets his fingers cut off and then gets shot in the head.  For some of the other guys you can show more torture if you want.  And add in some language.  This is one of those stories with lots of hard-ass Good Christian folks.

*Your writing style is very unorthodox.  There were parts where I did like your descriptions even though they were out of the ordinary, but at other times they really lagged things up. Avoid using "you" and "I" in descriptions, and to chizzle things down you can take out things like, for example when Tucker has a gun to Smooth's head "Smooth is so scared and he'd do anything to take back what he just said."  Ya know, alot of people will get your an ass just because you shouldn't write descriptions like that.  Personally, I don't have that big of a problem, but in this script they add up and it takes its toll.

*The characters I felt were pretty good.  Tucker is like that down to earth badass I liked how you molded Cassandra as kind of a bimbo.  Miles was weird.  When Tucker confronted Pit Bull, Miles was let off the hook but then he shoots him and Reese?  I don't know.  That just didn't work for me.  He's a good character as the weasel brother of the legend of the city, but the Pit Bull thing was just out there.  You could easily fix that with Pit Bull refusing to listen to Tucker and then Miles is forced to shoot him.  That would work better.  The supporting characters of Rocky and Smooth and Zach were well done too.  I don't know if Zach is a very good name for a fat hitman/driver dude, but whatever.

*Aside from the lack of any cuss words whatsoever, your dialogue was pretty good.  Leonard and Frizzy had some funny lines as were some other threatening remarks made by several other guys.  

*I think this story is more of a thriller than it is action.  There's violence and stuff, but the main thrill comes at the end when The Man turns out to be Luther.  That was a good twist, but you should start the buildup earlier in the story.  You first introduce Luther's family/money problem fairly late.  I think if you hint toward his son's health problems in the earlier flashbacks then that would help build the suspense and tension.

*The ending was very different from anything I expected.  What's strange is that Luther goes through all this trouble to kill all of Tucker's friends and stuff, but he doesn't kill Price.  I think I understand what you were trying to get at though.  Earlier he says that he wants Tucker to feel the same pain that he brought upon Luther, so rather than killing Tucker, he shoots himself to make Tucker feel guilty.  So now he has to live with the fact that all of his friends are dead with the addition of how he ruined Luther's life.  It's more of a psychological ending than it is climatic, which really was a nice surprise in my opinion.

Overall I do like what you have here.  I see that you already cut it some 25 pages, but I think it can be cut even more by taking out bloated descriptions and dialogue.  Things like Miles saying "we need to repaint the car" or whatever it was.  You don't need that.  If you cut out all that stuff and get it down to, say, 105 pages or so then you can add in more stuff such as buildup and get it up to a 120 page dealie.  Keep working on it, man.  It's a good story and the mood is consistently top notch.  Just add some more to the story using addition by subtraction and I think it'll be that much better.  Nice work!


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TAnthony
Posted: July 7th, 2006, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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Colligulas thank you for your review. It had to have be one of the best I've gotten. You've pin-pointed every problem in it. I'm just a little upset I accidently put up a revised version before I recieved your review.

I'm definelty going to incorporate everything you suggested in the next draft.

Thanks a bunch!


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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TAnthony
Posted: July 7th, 2006, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS-----------




Quoted from James McClung
-
- This final scene doesn't work at all. It's beyond anti-climactic, comes completely out of the blue, and makes no sense. Why would Luther spend so much time, the entire script, hunting Tucker down, just to kill himself in his own home?

Now, I'm guessing what you may have been trying to get at is that Luther wants Tucker to suffer in life rather than death. If this is the case, you'll want to make mention of it, either from Tucker or Luther. I think coming from Tucker, it would work better. If this isn't the case, see above.


Tucker explains to Slick that Luther wants Tucker to feel the pain he put him through. Luther never really wanted to kill Tucker.

Thanks for your review James, very helpful.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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TAnthony
Posted: July 7th, 2006, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Brandon Coleman - I hope you finish my script. I'll start on yours today.

Greg - Awesome review. I pretty much agree with everything you said. I'm going to have to change some of those weak-points and switch up the deaths to make them more creative.

Thanks.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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ALIEN MAN
Posted: July 19th, 2006, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Tanthoney

I just finished your loud and nasty script. I really enjoyed it. Like how you called the man "The Man" until you find out his real identity. Too me it was like a suspense, thiller, action/adventure. And very odd to see how he got that scar.
Anways, great script, just kind of the script I like. Keep up the good work,


Writing an action movie. EVery other script I was making got deleted and my PC crashed. MY action movie will be completed in about two weeks.
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Antemasque
Posted: July 20th, 2006, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Throughout my reading of this. i got bored. but then my boredum was struck with excitment. i guess you can say your script has its downfalls. but then your script has the 'uprise?' lol.  i know it's weird but it felt like the movie running scared. i don't see how that happened. i emjoyed your script very much and felt like it could make a good movie. but i think it's a little too long. just a little. maybe make some edits and have it about 10 pages shorter. I liked the deaths even though some of them were off screen. which i think you should put on screen. that would make it more grittier and suspensful i believe. the dialouge was fine and your story was fine. nothing wrong with it except the length and violence i'd say.
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Coleman
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Wut up Tyler. i haven't forgotten to give u a complete review. Sorry it's taking so long, but i'm having a hard time finishing your script becuz it's written like a short story.  you have way to many words like pain, unconfortable, annoyed. instead you should show how the character feels. keep in mind the five senses. does Tucker's nose limp and groan after he escapes from those thugs. Does Samuels bowls release when he's shot dead.

another thing. u have way to many -ing- and -ly- words. i don't think an actor or actress likes to be told what to do in every action scene.

complete review on the way
-Brandon-


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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tonkatough
Posted: August 12th, 2006, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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Great script. I loved it. Fantastic. Here why.

The opening scene with "the man" The dialouge was amazing. It was like you where channeling the essence of Clint Eastwood. It sound like he's kind of dialouge. I like this dude. he is cool.

Introduce Tucker. it clear that he is a bad arse with a conscience. I quickly started to connect with him. It is a very subtle way to generate conflict with in the Tucker character. his line of his work Vs the reluctence to kill. great stuff

Oh so Tucker is the main hero of this story. It took me 24 pages to figure this out. I was so impressed with the man at the begining that I thought he was the main protagonist.

Cassandra is my favourite character. She is very cool. very fem fatel or what ever the word is. I dig how she is a broad in a tough man's world and question and criticize it the only way a woman can.

The flash backs are very effective and work as a great hook. You know the present and the past plots are going to intertwine and overlap and it kept me reading to find out how and why.

In fact the whole story for this script was very dense. I nice change from some scripts on this site where they are just a short idea stretched to thin over a hundred pages.

Shaft compared to Dirty Harry. that is so funny but sooo Tarintino.

I wish Tucker would have popped a bullet in his brother Miles. Miles was an annoying little shit and a pain the arse. I did not enjoy his subplot at all. In fact It would have tightened the story up a lot more of that subplot was removed.

I noticed the conversation between Slick and Tucker than Miles and Tucker concerning women troubles where identical. Is that correct? did I read correctly? Was this deliberate or was I imagining things?

On page 72 when in the hospital and the boy needs bone marrow transplant. this is when I figured out the identity of the "the man" So you kept me guessing for 72 pages out of 114. That's pretty good.

The attack on reggie car was awesome. In true action style and for the audience entertainment it is a complete fuck up.

Sorry but I have nothing bad to say about script.

hey I noticed your Avatar and had to smile. The Good, The Bad and the Ugly is  a classic movie, one of my favourites.

But seeing that you are a Clint Eastwood fan I have to quickly run something past you.

One of my friends is a huge Clint Eastwood fan and he always saying how hollywood should make a prequel to Unforgiven but have Hugh Jackman play a young version of the Clint Eastwood character. What are your thoughts on that? Think it would work?





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TAnthony
Posted: August 12th, 2006, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Wow! Thanks man! Your critique was awesome, but now sadly I have no idea where I want to take this story or if I need to re-write it. See if you can help me out...


Quoted from tonkatough
Oh so Tucker is the main hero of this story. It took me 24 pages to figure this out. I was so impressed with the man at the begining that I thought he was the main protagonist.


A lot of people read the first scene and think that he's the main character. I was sort of going for that in a way, because when there's a scene without Tucker Price I want the head of that scene to act like it's his movie, like he's the protagonist. Even though they're only supporting characters.


Quoted from tonkatough
Cassandra is my favourite character. She is very cool. very fem fatel or what ever the word is. I dig how she is a broad in a tough man's world and question and criticize it the only way a woman can.


I love that you use that word Femme Fatale, because what Loud and Nasty is is a retelling of old 50's Film-Noir with a modern twist. That's what I was going for.


Quoted from tonkatough
I wish Tucker would have popped a bullet in his brother Miles. Miles was an annoying little shit and a pain the arse. I did not enjoy his subplot at all. In fact It would have tightened the story up a lot more of that subplot was removed.


Oh man. Miles was like my favorite character in the entire story. lol. I'm actually not sure how to take this comment. Should I be happy, because you thought he was annoying and a pain in the ass, and I love it when I bring emotion out of the reader. Or should I be unhappy because you didn't enjoy his parts.


Quoted from tonkatough
I noticed the conversation between Slick and Tucker than Miles and Tucker concerning women troubles where identical. Is that correct? did I read correctly? Was this deliberate or was I imagining things?


Yes! You're the first person to see that. Tucker was pratically lambasting Slick for having emotions for a woman, and when Cassandra leaves Tucker he acts the same way Slick did. Cool.


Quoted from tonkatough
On page 72 when in the hospital and the boy needs bone marrow transplant. this is when I figured out the identity of the "the man" So you kept me guessing for 72 pages out of 114. That's pretty good.


Okay, this is my biggest problem with the script. I'm not sure what to do. Many people say the second Luther comes on screen they knew he was "The Man." I was gonna do a pretty big change in the script, but if you say you didn't know 'til 72, I'm not sure now. What do you think?


Quoted from tonkatough
hey I noticed your Avatar and had to smile. The Good, The Bad and the Ugly is  a classic movie, one of my favourites.


It's one of my favorites too, but that is from "Fistful of Dollars" the first installment of the man with no name series. "For a few dollars more" is the second. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly was the third. And High Plain's Drifter is the unofficial fourth.


Quoted from tonkatough
One of my friends is a huge Clint Eastwood fan and he always saying how hollywood should make a prequel to Unforgiven but have Hugh Jackman play a young version of the Clint Eastwood character. What are your thoughts on that? Think it would work?


Oh that is a great idea! That would be awesome! Tell your friend great thinking. But Hugh Jackman? You can slap him for that one. William Munney was supposed to be one bad dude when he was younger, but one thing that might not work with that is it might destroy the whole meaning of what Unforgiven is about. It's far from glorifying violence, and in a prequel all he would be doing is killing and kicking ass.

Still they could work that one out. Who would you have play William and who would you have play his friend Ned? (Morgan Freeman's role)

So thanks for your comments tonkatough!






"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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JaimeM
Posted: August 13th, 2006, 9:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey there. Here are some of my comments on your script. I did like it all in all and thought it was very good.



Dialogue: Needs to be uncleaned up   Throw in some curses. Make them the bad asses that they are.

Flashbacks: More than 1/3 rd the movie was in flashback. I would cut them down dramatically. The flashbacks told a good story but that could have been its own script. And loud and nasty could have been the sequel. You used the flashbacks to flesh out the characters instead of doing that during the main story

The Man: I agee with some of the others, First time I met Luther on the screen I knew he was the Man.


Quoted Text
The ending of the story was great. Though I do feel like you could've made a larger explanation to Luther's suicide. All you've put is "Luther raises his gun to his head..." The a second later: "Luther kills himself". You could go into gory details, I know you did it earlier in the story but I don't mean seriously gory .


I agree with this persons quote. Maybe a bit more explanation before he shoots himself.

There were a few speeling mistakes etc.. but people had already pointed them out to you. ANyway. good job hope to see the final product one day on screen  
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JD_OK
Posted: August 13th, 2006, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, now that I have read everyone's comments and I have read your script, I going to try and not restate some things that has been said, but i have PICKED UP FLAWS that no one has mentions before. I will get to those things first, then to minors. I pasted your work to final draft. so pages might be off.

MAJOR HOLES:
Pg3. "THE MAN
I'm looking for somebody. Somebody who did something pretty horrible to me back in the day. He keeps on moving around, but I think he'll be here for a while. I was gone for a while, but now I'm back."

Not this line was good, but after reading the story. THEY Are in the same city as when he left. ex. Tucker goes back Luthors house. they havent gone anywhere. So he is no stranger coming to this place.

pg. 5
For a split second and I mean for a quick millisecond the owner's eyes open wide. He knows who Tucker Price is and he's heard a thousand stories about him, but he quickly conceals his knowledge. He doesn't want to get involved in anyway with this man, but he didn't hide it quick enough.
OWNER
No. Nope, told ya. Doesn't ring a bell. No idea.

Now i understand if doesn't want to get involed" But Why does the owner feel he needs to lie ON AND ON, like he REALLY knows Tucker and has to cover for him. There is no reason to keep lyin. Then later you refer to the owner as "OLD MAN" in the bar, give him a name so it isnt confusing.  Like the man reads off his name tag.

Tucker and Luthor must kidnap reggie. They don't hide their Identities since they intend to pay back the 50k they owe with Tooth picks money.  And They Say Tucker's name infront of reggie, easily he could name him to his father, not counting that when the exchange is made Luthor  is among the 4 men. Doesn't make sense

75. "The other four men sit down in the background. Rocky bends down to Reggie's level.
ROCKY (CONT'D)
What's your father's number?
RICK
(stumbling the words)
7...62.. ext.

Why is rick giving the number? Did you mean reggie? Why do they need  reggie to give the number since this is pre planned? Should Tucker or luthor know the number since they work for tooth pick?

pg. 78

"TUCKER (CONT'D)
Can you do us this favor Slick?
SLICK
It's sounds like it's gonna be just about impossible to find this guy. You don't know anything about him. All you know is that he killed the fat guy.

How does Slick know this? It wasnt mentioned to him The the man killed zach.

Notorious gangster Tucker price. You harp about this so much, alil to much. and he doesn't live up to his rep. nor in flash backs. Why is it this big bad guy only have  4 or 5 peope that will do something for him. Any real ganster movie, they have dozens of cronie hit men to do things for them. Tucker has no connections to be that well feared.

Luthor wasnt suprise for me one bit. He was in the flash back and not around now. I knew when he was introduced.

I didnt by Luthor just stealing the money. This was out of character for me. He would ask for help before going to the extreme to take it from them. Especially since Tucker is his best friend.

p89.
MILES
Now what? We're in broad day light.

Wow, you have left or day and night all over the place. GET rid of LATER and Continous. Duh its later when u read whats going in after Scene heading.

p.93

VINCENT
Oh yeah, some chick saw two black guys try to load the bodies into the trunk of a big black car.

Wtf?Close to the end of the sotry and I find out that tucker and Miles are black? Granted Tucker price could be a black name, but HE doesnt ACT black or TALK black. Miles either. You need to say he is black when you first introduce him if you give their
race later in dialog.

pg. 104

PROSTITUTE
Yeah. Miles and his brother Tucker Price came in and shot the place up. Killed Pit Bull and his brother. John looks at Marvin.

She gives up that info way to easy. If Tucker is feared as you say, these guys with knife on, doesnt matter to what Tucker will do.

pg 104
SLICK
You said to call you if anything strange happened around town? Fat Boy's two men John and Marvin have been scouring the city looking for WHORES. I don't know what about. They're not too far from your house so if it's got any thing to do with you get out now.

TUCKER
Yeah already. Slick says his two boys John and Marvin have been searching the entire city for US.

Slick clearly said two men looking for whores. Tucker says looking for them....uhhhh

pg. 110
Kid ( jason) is so sick he was at the hospital 3 days ago, and not he is at home getting rushed out? Hello the kid still should be in hospital not at the house if be needs BONEMAROW transplant.

END of HOLES

Ending Anti- climatic. If i had paid to watch this movie, that would piss me off. You build up for big show down and it doesnt come. then it just ends. Where is the resolution? Tucker needs to say something about he wished he had died, cuz now life is painful, and it wants to being forgiving or somethin for everything.

On that note, Its just my opion and that is what u wanted to be harsh. I dont think this story is very marketable for feature film for movie screens. Direct dvd or made for tv feel.

Of course you have A R rated flick, and like other said you have no cussing, with throughs me off. I felt like it was more comical ganster movie for 1st half then serious.

You give a premise. "- Legendary gangster Tucker Price has a number of problems he has to deal with. Tucker's hands are already full dealing with a troublesome brother and unfaithful girl, but when partners of Tucker begin to mysteriously die Tucker has an uncanny feeling he might be next"

And it doesnt live up to it. Not one of his guys die til like page 56, hour into it. Mysteriously die? Since when does it become a mystery that someone took a bat and beat the hell out of someone? Plain murder. YOu dont even Say if SMOOTh actually gets Killed. You kill cass ( which tucker doesnt know) Then Smooth talks, then end of scene. and others gettin killed by Fat boy.

Which leads me to next comment. Luthor comes and saves him, if luthor plans on killing himself to make him feel guilty y doesnt he do it when he saves Tucker?  Tucker CONVIENTLY goes back to Luthors house for him to off himself. I didnt by it.

LITTLE THINGS

To many references to him being big time ganster. - We know this.

Good dialog but to much, like ex. When tucker comes home and talks to cass about miles. it was pointless, we didnt learn anything and it doesnt lead to any action. Ask you self in each scene if you took it out, will it affect the movie? In this scene doesnt help the story.

Harpingon Rick being crazy to much. I got it 1st 3 references.

page 47. slick needs V.O.

49. Slick - being Jacked is worse then being shot to death in bowling alley!? Come on now...

Slick - Keeps referring to He gil is PAST tense.  Ex. was. Like she is dead or something.
Ex. SLICK
This was a good one though. This WAS a good woman.

"She IS a good woman", if she isn't dead.

Then you use same lines with slick later with Tucker and miles convo about cass.

SLICK
I can't live without her Tuck. She was a good woman.
TUCKER
Oh c'mon listen to you. You sound pathetic.

TUCKER
I loved her Miles.
MILES
I know, I know you just got to forget about her.
TUCKER
I don't know if I can do that.
MILES
Oh listen to you, you sound pathetic.

Look familiar?

There are some Scene headings that need to be fixed and some V.O needs to be placed aswell.

Overall Good Foundation for the story. Needs work it make it excellent tho. Hope I wasnt harsh. Monolog from the man was kinda corner at parts, to long for himt o be talking to his self. Good one was the loud and nasty. Sounded just like marv from sin city.

I read it to help you cuz i would like you to do the same for me when my script gets posted here soon.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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TAnthony
Posted: August 13th, 2006, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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You brought up a few good points, but some of it I think you were way over analyzing. I answered the comments that made no since to me.


Quoted from JD_OK

MAJOR HOLES:
Pg3. "THE MAN
I'm looking for somebody. Somebody who did something pretty horrible to me back in the day. He keeps on moving around, but I think he'll be here for a while. I was gone for a while, but now I'm back.".

Not this line was good, but after reading the story. THEY Are in the same city as when he left. ex. Tucker goes back Luthors house. they havent gone anywhere. So he is no stranger coming to this place.


In an earlier draft I had Slick and Tucker traveling on the highway to Luther's house. They live in different cities. I didn't think that was neccessary to show the road trip.


Quoted from JD_OK

pg. 5
For a split second and I mean for a quick millisecond the owner's eyes open wide. He knows who Tucker Price is and he's heard a thousand stories about him, but he quickly conceals his knowledge. He doesn't want to get involved in anyway with this man, but he didn't hide it quick enough.
OWNER
No. Nope, told ya. Doesn't ring a bell. No idea.

Now i understand if doesn't want to get involed" But Why does the owner feel he needs to lie ON AND ON, like he REALLY knows Tucker and has to cover for him. There is no reason to keep lyin.


The owner doesn't believe that there's any way The Man could tell he was lying. So why not? Why help some stranger in any way that says he's going to kill someone. Unluckily for the owner The Man could tell he was lying through his eyes.


Quoted from JD_OK

pg. 78

"TUCKER (CONT'D)
Can you do us this favor Slick?
SLICK
It's sounds like it's gonna be just about impossible to find this guy. You don't know anything about him. All you know is that he killed the fat guy.

How does Slick know this? It wasnt mentioned to him The the man killed zach.


Once again in an early draft this scene was longer and the two explained everything to Slick. Instead of doing that I just cut to the very end of the scene so the audience wouldn't have to listen to re-iteration of everything that happened. You should be able to piece together that they told Slick this.


Quoted from JD_OK

Notorious gangster Tucker price. You harp about this so much, alil to much. and he doesn't live up to his rep. nor in flash backs. Why is it this big bad guy only have  4 or 5 peope that will do something for him. Any real ganster movie, they have dozens of cronie hit men to do things for them. Tucker has no connections to be that well feared.


Many times with many different characters it is said that when you really get to know Tucker he isn't as tough as people make him out to be. If you reviewed an earlier draft this would make since, but in this one that issue is taken care of. To answer your second question Tucker isn't a mob boss, he's a gangster that rolls with a single crew. He's not Don Corleone, he's not the head of the mob. He's more of a Carlito from Carlito's Way. And word can spread just as far even from gangster's like that.


Quoted from JD_OK

I didnt by Luthor just stealing the money. This was out of character for me. He would ask for help before going to the extreme to take it from them. Especially since Tucker is his best friend.


I thought you would have seen why in the end. Luther knew Tucker didn't care about him more than the money. Tucker would have suspected Luther taking the money. That's why Luther had to keep his mouth shut and make a run for it.


Quoted from JD_OK

p.93

VINCENT
Oh yeah, some chick saw two black guys try to load the bodies into the trunk of a big black car.

Wtf?Close to the end of the sotry and I find out that tucker and Miles are black? Granted Tucker price could be a black name, but HE doesnt ACT black or TALK black. Miles either. You need to say he is black when you first introduce him if you give their
race later in dialog...


You have know idea how much this statement pisses me off, no idea. How do you think black people talk? They all talk the same? You've just thrown the biggest stereotypical blanket over the entire race. I think I might know how black people talk, since I am a black person.


Quoted from JD_OK

pg 104
SLICK
You said to call you if anything strange happened around town? Fat Boy's two men John and Marvin have been scouring the city looking for WHORES. I don't know what about. They're not too far from your house so if it's got any thing to do with you get out now.

TUCKER
Yeah already. Slick says his two boys John and Marvin have been searching the entire city for US.

Slick clearly said two men looking for whores. Tucker says looking for them....uhhhh...


Tucker is smart enough to automatically link up the fact that if John and Marvin are looking for whores, then that must mean they're on to them.


Quoted from JD_OK

pg. 110
Kid ( jason) is so sick he was at the hospital 3 days ago, and not he is at home getting rushed out? Hello the kid still should be in hospital not at the house if be needs BONEMAROW transplant....


Luther has to leave the city. If he stays he knows Tucker will kill him. So Luther has to take his son out of the LOCAL hospital and out of the city. He can't leave his son in the hospital and make a run for it. Tucker could find the kid and use it against him.


Quoted from JD_OK

Ending Anti- climatic. If i had paid to watch this movie, that would piss me off. You build up for big show down and it doesnt come. then it just ends. Where is the resolution? Tucker needs to say something about he wished he had died, cuz now life is painful, and it wants to being forgiving or somethin for everything.....


The last thing I want is a showdown. That would destroy the whole story for me. Luther never really wanted to kill Tucker. Tucker says in the story "he wants me to die his way." I guess that wasn't enough for you to understand, but fortunately I restate it in the latest draft.


Quoted from JD_OK

You give a premise. "- Legendary gangster Tucker Price has a number of problems he has to deal with. Tucker's hands are already full dealing with a troublesome brother and unfaithful girl, but when partners of Tucker begin to mysteriously die Tucker has an uncanny feeling he might be next"

And it doesnt live up to it. Not one of his guys die til like page 56, hour into it. Mysteriously die? Since when does it become a mystery that someone took a bat and beat the hell out of someone? Plain murder. YOu dont even Say if SMOOTh actually gets Killed. You kill cass ( which tucker doesnt know) Then Smooth talks, then end of scene. and others gettin killed by Fat boy.


You're right I really do need to change that log line.


Quoted from JD_OK

Which leads me to next comment. Luthor comes and saves him, if luthor plans on killing himself to make him feel guilty y doesnt he do it when he saves Tucker?  Tucker CONVIENTLY goes back to Luthors house for him to off himself. I didnt by it.


It wasn't Luther's intention to have Tucker see him kill himself. Tucker knew where he'd be and he went expecting a showdown. Luther didn't know Tucker would be coming.


Quoted from JD_OK

To many references to him being big time ganster. - We know this.

Good dialog but to much, like ex. When tucker comes home and talks to cass about miles. it was pointless, we didnt learn anything and it doesnt lead to any action. Ask you self in each scene if you took it out, will it affect the movie? In this scene doesnt help the story.


There's three refrences to him being a big time gangster the entire script.

That scene that you say has no meaning tells Cassandra's loathing for Miles, her unhealthy need for money, and shows her struggling relationship with the main character. All things I have to show.


Quoted from JD_OK

49. Slick - being Jacked is worse then being shot to death in bowling alley!? Come on now.


Slick says "he would've been all jacked up" this doesn't mean he's going to rob him this means he's going to fuck him up.


Quoted from JD_OK

you use same lines with slick later with Tucker and miles convo about cass.

SLICK
I can't live without her Tuck. She was a good woman.
TUCKER
Oh c'mon listen to you. You sound pathetic.

TUCKER
I loved her Miles.
MILES
I know, I know you just got to forget about her.
TUCKER
I don't know if I can do that.
MILES
Oh listen to you, you sound pathetic.

Look familiar?....


Yes it does look familiar, because I did it on purpose. I wanted Tucker to make fun of Slick for having emotions for a woman that leaves him, and then later on in the story when it happens to him he acts the same way.

Thanks for comments.



"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

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JD_OK
Posted: August 14th, 2006, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Hey man I didnt write that to piss you off. I am black too. You keep refferring to earlier draft.  I have read what is posted, so if there are hole there becuz you took things out. Then it still a hole that some simple dialog could fix. Yea I over analize because wht do you think a agent or producer will do, dig into every aspect of the story. You shouldn't need to back things up by telling me y its there. I should be able to read it on the script for you to reference me back to.

THE MAN
This man, he's sort of a legend. Everybody in this city's scared of him. Everybody's always talking about him, and telling stories about him.

ROCKY
Now c'mon Tucker you're supposed to be the notorious gangster. People are supposed to be scared of you.

CASSANDRA
For such a cold-blooded, legendary, notorious, gangster you sure are a punk.

MILES
notorious killer you are a punk! How did you get that reputation?

JOHN
He's a legend man.

those are the ones i could remember.

SLICK
But I don't care! I do not care! So I take out my nine and blow that dudes brains out all over the place man. He's lucky I wasn't upset... or... or he would've been jacked.

That doesnt make sense. That what I was getting out.

"The last thing I want is a showdown. That would destroy the whole story for me"

Remember you are writing for a audience and what they want. Just a thought.

Look Im not jocking your script in anyway, just showing you what I see. I give you propz for being able to finish a script. I hope my comments don't discourage you from looking at my screen play.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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TAnthony
Posted: August 14th, 2006, 1:25am Report to Moderator
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When I was referring to earlier drafts I was saying that the exposition was in there. When I checked the script again I realized that it wasn't needed so I took it out.

If you look at some of your comments and really think about them I think that you can solve some of those questions yourself.

Sometimes I believe the audience can piece together those real small things. They are definetly not major plot holes.

Your comments were useful, and I'll return the favor.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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