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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Loud and Nasty Moderators: bert
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  Author    Loud and Nasty  (currently 11139 views)
JD_OK
Posted: August 14th, 2006, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Well I did fail to mention the positives about the script.

I like Leonard and Frizzy, there were convincing charactters.

I like rocky and the convo between him and zach after killing sam. Ws lil to long but good.
I like the flash back story behind the story.

Cass was classic shitty girl friend...well portrayed.

Opening scene was good attention grabber made m wanna read on.

I like the off the wall dialog here and there. made it seem real for me.

I do give you respect from restraining curse words from your movie.

I liked slicks character in general. He is needed, kinda like cameo type of roll.

Oveall a decent story my friend. Good work.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Steve-Dave
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Read a little past the first half so far. I should have the rest done by the end of the weekend. Sorry, I'm a slow reader. Here's what I got so far.

pg 5 - In action you put  "for a millisecond, and i mean for a quick millisecond" - sounds like you're telling the story through the description here. One millisecond will do just fine.

I've also noticed you do that a lot throughout the script. In both your dialogue and your description, you tend to repeat things a lot. Try to fix that, because especially when it comes to characters, when they're repeating their lines alot, it tends to make them all sound aloke and not have their own personalities, you know?

pg 5. For a split second and I mean for a quick millisecond the
owner's eyes open wide. He knows who Tucker Price is and
he's heard a thousand stories about him, but he quickly
conceals his knowledge.

- From the same paragraph, we wouldn't know that he's heard a thousand stories, just mention that he knows the name.

There's also dialogue and description like...

pg6  Look, I should probably warn you
right now. I don't and I mean do
not like it when people lie to me.
I don't like it when people look me
right in the face and lie to me.
It's got to be the ultimate form of
disrespect. Now I'm gonna ask you
again. Did... you... lie?

...Where you could combine dialogue to condense. By just putting one line, "I don't and I mean do not like it when people look me right in the face and lie to me". It combines two sentences and shortens it, and you don't have to repeat yourself all the time.

And in case it comes off this way, I'm not trying to sound like an @$$hole or high and mighty with these comments. Your styles actually a lot like mine used to be, and I have become more wise to and have tried to fix these same problems in my re-writes now. Like repeating myself, and rambling in dialogue, etc. Just trying to make you aware of the same things.


pg 7 - I think shooting the guy and killing him is a little over the top right off the bat. I think shooting the phone and having the guy look back at the man would be better.

I liked the twins names

pg 7 - capitolize MAN when introduced and what purpose does the man serve, really? I think there should be more opportunity here for Tucker's character development. Maybe he gets into a deeper argument with the man, or helps the man's situation or something. otherwise I think it could be lost.

Frizzy's awesome

Argument on pg 15 could be taken out I think. It's somewhat amusing, but don't think a person would be that unsure about where they shot someone, or be just standing around arguing about it after they just shot someone. I think it would be more effective if they shot him, unbeknownst to Tucker, and then all just hauled ass in the car and took off and had their conversation in the car.

p 18 - In the car I think Tucker saying "I don't like surprises" shold be taken out. Leonard already said that.

Pg 18 - I think in Tucker's last piece of dialogue before the flashback, after he says the line "Maybe I'm starting to change" the rest of the dialogue should be (V.O.) in Tucker's head thinking going into the flashback

pg 18 - In the flashback, there should be some Action between V.O. and going into the actual dialogue of the moment in the warehouse.

top pg 20 - typo: "They have us walk all (THEY) way down here."

Not a big deal, but Vic Vega's (Mr. Blonde's) nickname in Reservoir dogs was toothpick Vic. It doesn't really matter, but I like knowing if something I've come up with has been in any other movies because I usually end up changing it. Just lettin' you know incase you haven't seen reservoir dogs.

Describe Luther a little more.

pg 25 - ramble
MILES
(phony)
Oh now c'mon! Why you gotta act
like that? Like a child! I've been
sitting out here in the cold waiting
for you to come home, and that's all
you got to say to me is what do you
want? What kind of a way is that to
treat your own brother man? I wanted
to say HI! What? Is that a shocker?
Your own brother just wanting to say
HI! I don't want nothing! I just
wanted to see how my older brother
was doing! You know how it is.

- dialogue like this runs rampant throughout. You could easily cut at least the last three lines of dialogue easy, and condense the idea more. Because it comes off as rambling. When you write, think of how long it would take to get through this segment of dialogue.

wrist breaking ruins momentum I think. He had to go to the hopsital, get it checked out, get the cast, and then see his boss???? I think a quicker cut just going from the thugs shooting at them to the scene talking to toothpick would suffice.

The way Tucker talks to cassandra makes it seem like he helped plan Sammy's death. I thought he didn't know about it???

pg 48 - "you know what time it is", they've said that a bunch already. Maybe change it to something more like " why'd you bring me here at this time of night"

Capitolize Slick when you introduce him.

pg 51 - How old is the man's son and wife?

pg 55 - tucker wouldn't break his phone in his car I don't think.

Did a good job with the scene where he was going to kill Smooth, and Miles on one side telling him he's soft and Cassandra on the other.

I also liked the scene with Miles and Pit bull. Well constructed.

I think majorly, that you should combine Tucker's two different flashbacks into just one large one. Time would be confusing if it were to be shot between present and past. It also would seem more like Tucker was telling a storyat that point, instead of just popping in voice overs randomly.

I like the story so far though. Just some problems with the dialogue and description style, and the structure, but the story is there, and it keeps me interested.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Steve-Dave  -  August 18th, 2006, 9:34pm
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Steve-Dave
Posted: August 20th, 2006, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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Finished, here's the rest.

I liked the line where Tucker said cassandra was "some actress".

I thought it was cool how Tucker and Miles' conversation about loving Cassandra resembled Tucker and slick's conversation.

The scene where rocky and tucker talk to slick while he's watching tv was pretty funny.

I don't see much point in hiding pit bull's and reese's bodies if the hookers can id them anyways. It seems more like something Miles would say rather than Tucker.

bottom pg 94 - I like when fat boy says he don't know why they ran over his head.lol. But think that his saying I don't care if you've gotta search the entire state, country, world...etc. is a little too marcellus wallace. I'd just cut the last four lines and leave it.

ethnicities I was confused about. I didn't know tucker and Miles were black until they killed pit bull, and then john and marvin said they were two blacks, so are fat boy and marvin and john white? or what? I think ethnicities should be mentioned for a better picture, as races come into play in the script.

I liked the finger slicing

doing all the killing of Miles and Rocky I thought wasn't really believeable doing it in the street, in Tucker's house. I think they'd take them to a safer location away from witnesses.

How come we're never able to recognize Luther??? Is his head supposed to be always turned away or did I miss something?

I wasn't too crazy about the ending. I think the climax should just be after Luther and Tucker's first confrontation, and Luther just leaves him alive, to live with no one. Instead of his suicide in Tucker's house.

The flashbacks, there are five I believe all together, I think the first two should be combined, and the next two should be combined. I think that would make the pacing a little better.

Story builds up nicely. Gets more interesting as it goes on.

In conclusion, I think this is flawed in some parts, but still a really good read. I liked the characters a lot, and the vibe that comes off of it. You also did had a couple of really well constructed scenes. I think you could Cut down at least 4-10 pages off and polish up the writing al ittle more and it could be a lot better. A very nice effort. Good job.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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TAnthony
Posted: August 21st, 2006, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your comments Sryknows. You hit on a lot of topics that hadn't been mentioned yet. I do tend to ramble a lot, and I need to cut down on those action lines.

I'm planning on checking out one of yours pretty soon, just to let you know.

Thanks a lot!


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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JD_OK
Posted: August 22nd, 2006, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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lawrence gilliam
Posted: December 28th, 2006, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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This script was preety good I loved the action I just found in the dialogue you were missing a few words and you could have said some lines cleaner. It is a little long and if you read it a couple more times you can shorten it a bit. There was a killing that realy didn't make any sense in the beginning why did the stranger kill the waitress he could have just hit the phone like he did she would not had used it, that's an example of a little to much , but i loved the script i can visualize a movie.


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TAnthony
Posted: December 28th, 2006, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reply Lawrence Gilliam. I see what you mean about the waitress, probably is a bit much and I'll try to fix up those dialogue passages.

Thanks again.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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lawrence gilliam
Posted: December 29th, 2006, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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it was just fine the amount of pages


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chism
Posted: December 29th, 2006, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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TAnthony,

Here's my review of Down and Dirty:

At the 12 page mark I'm just not into it. There are several reasons for this. A), things seem to be happening very quickly. The conversations between Desmond and Cooper sound forced and unrealistic. Cooper doesn't have a strong enough motivation to just let Desmond into his house, at least he didn't for me. I suppose my main problem is I just don't like these people. They're violent, stupid criminals and I'm not really enjoying spending any time with them. Also, you're cutting here, there and everywhere. You're not spending any time establishing tone or mood and that is very frustrating as a reader.

Same thing with the torture of Joey. It's violent, brutal and sadistic, which is everything you want in a good torture scene, but there is no context. We don't know who Joey is or why Slick and Hector are torturing him, which makes the scene useless, boring and uninteresting. There was no precursor, there was no introduction of Joey or his conflict with Slick and Hector. It comes out of nowhere and adds nothing to the overall opening of the film. Also, referencing Reservoir Dogs was not a good idea. If you're trying to do a good torture scene, then it's prbably best not to mention a really good one that you have no chance of matching. The torture scene could have been good, if it were eighty or ninety pages into the script.

Also, the women in this script I don't think are fairly represented. Penelope came off as very annoying and nagging and stupid, very cliched and unfair representations of females. If you've read some of my other reviews, then you'll know that this is an issue I feel very strongly about. Vicky just came off as a bitch. I liked her even less than the guys. There were some good scenes in this however. I liked Penelope's resurrection of Hector by the river. I like scenes like that. Here, you downplayed the drama of the situation and gave us a nice little moment. I really enjoyed that and it was a welcome break from the other scenes.

This review has already gone on for far too long so I'm going to make a few final comments here. This is not the worst script I've read on the site. But it's definitely not the best. I think you're formatting was really good and the script itself is written about as well as one of these scripts could be written. I also liked the little surprise at the end with the woman and Tommy. But sporatically good scenes aren't enough to redeem it.

In closing, TAnthony, I didn't enjoy this script at all. You've given us 104 pages of characters that are vicious, coniving, sadistic and violent. These people don't need a story about them, they need therapy.  Or possibly prison. A really good movie is Cruel Intentions, and that had a character named Kathryn who was also scheming, twisted, sick, sadistic and vicious. What made that movie work so well is the fact that in the end, Kathryn got what she deserved. In that instance, I enjoyed her schemes and her evil way of thinking. Here I did not. I'm not trying to offend you and I apologise several times over if that is what I've done, I am simply of the opinion that this is not a very good script.


Cheers, Chismeister.
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TAnthony
Posted: December 30th, 2006, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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Wow that was fast thanks.


Quoted from chism
I suppose my main problem is I just don't like these people. They're violent, stupid criminals and I'm not really enjoying spending any time with them.


Yes I think this is probably my biggest problem. I'll have to work on this.


Quoted from chism
We don't know who Joey is or why Slick and Hector are torturing him, which makes the scene useless, boring and uninteresting. There was no precursor, there was no introduction of Joey or his conflict with Slick and Hector.


I kind of understand what you're saying here, but the script answers all of these questions. You find out who Joey is and why Slick tortures him.


Quoted from chism
Also, the women in this script I don't think are fairly represented. Penelope came off as very annoying and nagging and stupid, very cliched and unfair representations of females. If you've read some of my other reviews, then you'll know that this is an issue I feel very strongly about. Vicky just came off as a bitch. I liked her even less than the guys.


This is one thing that I really don't understand. How was Penelope an unfair representation of women? Just because it turned out she tricked Hector? She was putting on that act the whole time to set-up him up. I kind of see what you're saying about Vicky, but could you elaborate on this some more?

Thanks for the review.



"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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medstudent
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TAnthony,
Just letting you know that I am reading this and will post a review within the next few days. Just got busy is all. Sorry it's taking so long.

Joseph


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TAnthony
Posted: January 16th, 2007, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from medstudent
TAnthony,
Just letting you know that I am reading this and will post a review within the next few days. Just got busy is all. Sorry it's taking so long.

Joseph


Yeah I'm actually guilty of the same thing with your script. I started yours and I'm almost finished so expect a review soon. Thanks!


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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medstudent
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Tanthony,
Sorry for taking so long on a reply. Anyways, I finally finished it.

PRO's: What a great story! Much better(in my opinion) than Down and Dirty. Plot, subplots, characters, the way everything developed worked superbly. Very impressed.

I like the fact that a majority of your characters are black. I don't know. For me, it adds a greater level of originality to the story. A small thing but at the same time a significant one. A particular of this script that would attract many producers/actors.

While reading, I thought that the early flashbacks didn't work well. But added together they wove into the story nicely. Good job with these.

The idea that a bad-ass gangster is going "soft" is a great concept. I think you should work this angle a little more. it would give the character and the story another level of sophistication.

You characters and each one's individual drama going on worked great. Your characters are fleshed out giving each paper character a real and lively personality while reading. It wasn't difficult following your characters because each had his/her own style when speaking/with action, etc. Typically, in a screenplay with so many characters, I find it difficult following and remembering each one's role. I find myself flipping back pages to remind me. I didn't have to do that with your script.

One thing I had doubts about was with the ordering of the scenes. As I read, I felt some scenes should have been moved around to better move the story along...make it flow more nicely. Not taken out just reorganized. I lost that feeling as I read, though. The story seemed to work itself out and the loose ends tied themselves up nicely.

CON'S

Okay, this is difficult. I know you take pride in your dialogue. I can tell because in most areas it is witty, clever and original. This is where the problem lies..you overuse this witty dialogue to the point where everyone in your screenplay has the same wit. I've never met as many people in real life with the wit and snappy dialogue as your character's have.

You need to trim down the dialogue as a whole. There as some instances in your screenplay where a physical gesture or response would have worked more effectively than a verbal response. Also, some of the dialogue was clumsy and seemed forced. this is kind of ironic because I also see your dialogue as being one of the strong points of this script. You mustn't overuse it. If you reworked this clumsy un-needed dialogue and got rid of what you didn't need this would be a winner.

Things as I read:

Great opening! Dialogue here seems a little rough and forced. Re-work it.

pg12: "heroine" should be "heroin"

You dialogue is interesting. In places it's fantastic and in others it seems forced unrealistic. In these places the dialogue could be cut entirely and the scene would stand on its own.

pg17: The dialogue after they see the car should be cut.

pg20: Why wouldn't Luther have just killed  the guy immediately?

Luther and Tucker wouldn't have let them get away with the back packs, would they?

pg28: CASSANDRA: "You killed slim."
But Tucker didn't kill slim. Why'd he take responsibility?

pg34: Why'd Rocky and his brother agree to help Tucker so easily?

pg44: Why does Tucker suddenly begin narrating?

You can't have everyone talkers. It gets annoying listening to everyone come back with one-liners, uneccessary dialogue, etc.

pg48: Why'd he drop the gun on the florr? Have him take it back to the bed with him. Play with it, look at it while laying there.

STRANGER: "Tucker Price." ***Cut the rest of what you have. It's too much.***

pg49: Great flashback scene with voice over.

pg56: Great scene!

This is one grammer problem that has bugged me up til now. When someone is taking to someone else and they refer to that person by name. Whether it be "Boy", "Doll", "Baby", "Tucker", etc... You need to put a comma before or after the person's name.

"Give me the steak, boy!"  or "Tucker, you're a badass!"

It may seem insignificant but these little fixes make your screenplay look polished.

Pg61: It seems like the story begins here. Why wait so long to set it up?

Pg63: You refer to "Rick" as "Rocky".

Pg69: This flashback scene seems out of place here.

If these guys are in bulletproof cars and they get attacked, why do they stop and get out of the safest place for them, only to be killed? Take such a risk?

pg71: Spoken numbers in dialogue should be spelled out completely. 8="eight", etc.

pg75: Is it "charles" or "Charlie"?

pg81: Tucker goes with his brother, helps him out too many times too easily. Give a little history on the two giving a reason for Tucker to bail his brother out so easily. I know this reasoning all too well. I have a brother just like Miles.

pg84: Break up this page of dialogue with small action lines. "Turns head.", "Rubs face." Without this your characters feel like talking head here. Reactionless. This is another technique that polishes your screenplay.

pg94: Boy, Cassandra's not nice to anyone. Not even her new boyfriend!

Great scene at the gas station!

pg105: I don't think Tucker's initial verbal reaction after seeing his brother's head blown off would be, "Rich?"

Why'd Luther leave Tucker alive?

Oh, I see...

What an ending!

Maybe have a short scene with Tucker saying goodby to his last friend. Maybe with his car packed with his belongings?

Okay, TAnthony, hope this helps and was worth waiting for.

Joseph



Revision History (1 edits)
medstudent  -  January 21st, 2007, 11:07am
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TAnthony
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from medstudent
Tanthony,
Sorry for taking so long on a reply. Anyways, I finally finished it.


I was late too, so it's all good.


Quoted from medstudent
While reading, I thought that the early flashbacks didn't work well. But added together they wove into the story nicely. Good job with these.


So you do think the early flashbacks worked out after all?


Quoted from medstudent
You need to trim down the dialogue as a whole. There as some instances in your screenplay where a physical gesture or response would have worked more effectively than a verbal response. Also, some of the dialogue was clumsy and seemed forced.


Yes, I really need to cut down the dialogue.


Quoted from medstudent
pg28: CASSANDRA: "You killed slim."
But Tucker didn't kill slim. Why'd he take responsibility?


Tucker felt that since he in a way let it happen, that he was respnosible. I'll reword that.


Quoted from medstudent
pg44: Why does Tucker suddenly begin narrating?


What do you mean? That wasn't the first time Tucker narrated.


Quoted from medstudent
Pg61: It seems like the story begins here. Why wait so long to set it up?


Yeah I guess you're right. Is that what you mean scene order?


Quoted from medstudent
Pg69: This flashback scene seems out of place here.


I can't find a flashback on that page??


Quoted from medstudent
If these guys are in bulletproof cars and they get attacked, why do they stop and get out of the safest place for them, only to be killed? Take such a risk?


Good point.


Quoted from medstudent
pg75: Is it "charles" or "Charlie"?


I didn't think it mattered, either one.


Quoted from medstudent
pg81: Tucker goes with his brother, helps him out too many times too easily. Give a little history on the two giving a reason for Tucker to bail his brother out so easily. I know this reasoning all too well. I have a brother just like Miles.


Yeah I used to have some dialogue in there explaining all of Tucker's previous actions to bail his brother out. Maybe I'll put that back in there.


Quoted from medstudent
pg105: I don't think Tucker's initial verbal reaction after seeing his brother's head blown off would be, "Rich?"


Oh wow. lol. I should have seriously caught that.

Thanks medstudent! Very helpful, once again.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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medstudent
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Tanthony,
You know the best thing about this story is that the scenes can be moved around in a non-linear fashion and still be made to work. For one, I think the real motive of the story(around page 60) should be set-up earlier. Because this is the thrust of the story. Also, with the flashbacks, start them earlier. Because your movie is based on one long flashback sequence I think you should deliver this sooner. I wasn't prepared for it while reading and it kind of disrupted the flow of the story reading it midway. You know what I would do is write each scene on a note card and lay them out where your can visualize them. Move them around until you can see the movie as it should be. It's there. I think it could be set up(scene-wise) much better. This is a darn good story. Don't sit on it and let it stand where it is. If you put a little work into these things it would be much, much better. It won't take much, if any rewriting just some re-adjusting the scenes... the set up. You have a movie here. Just study it a bit and you'll find what I'm talking about.

Joseph


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