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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Loud and Nasty Moderators: bert
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  Author    Loud and Nasty  (currently 11283 views)
JD_OK
Posted: January 26th, 2007, 6:59am Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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I like that you took out all the INGS here an no IS or ArE sentences taking place so far, great job!

pg 4No needs to write "but the stranger says something else. The order of events occur when you write. So not needs to write that when oviously he speaks right after he turns around.

Since I have already read this  im geting to net pick even deeper then b4. pg 5. "This tells him everything he needs to know" this is a book 'tell', this sentence can not be filmed, show us what he does to indicate this reaction.

try to remove all your 'is' and 'are' words and replace with attractive VERBS.

more to come! im very tired and heading to bed.... its 4am here


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  January 26th, 2007, 2:56pm
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blackwrite
Posted: January 29th, 2007, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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I think anyone who likes professional wrestling would love this, which means a whole lot of Hulkamaniacs would pay to see it.

The opening kept me at the edge of my seat, but when the Stranger beat down the owner, I begin losing interest.  The violence didn't seem to have a point.

Then again, I'm 48 years old and I have to think this is far better than anything I could have written 20 years ago.  And I got into the scene. I felt I was sitting in the restaurant. I could see the movie playing before my eyes, but I could also see myself saying "Ah, this is just going to be another head banger, and it started out so good too."

I quit after 10 pages so my review isn't really fair to the piece.


ricland
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TAnthony
Posted: January 29th, 2007, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry you didn't like it blackwrite. Are you suggesting that I should tone down the violence in the opening scene?

Thanks.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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blackwrite
Posted: January 30th, 2007, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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I'm suggesting that the violence didn't fit. Even extreme violence should be cause and effect.  The owner should have been an asshole, then I would have understood the violence of the stranger. But even here, beating him down to the floor was unecessay to show us what you wanted to show about the stranger. The stranger could have simply bitch smacked him, and we would have got the message that the stranger was a bad dude.

Psycho bad dudes who just beat people down for no reason are not interesting. It's the reasonable bad dude who resorts to extreme violence for a reason that are interesting. I saw no reason for the beat down so lost interest in the character .... and the movie.



ricland
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ericdickson
Posted: March 24th, 2007, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Tyler,

I just finished Loud and Nasty.  The good news is you definitely have a gift for colorful description and action.  I've noticed over the years that screenwriters, especially beginning writers, fall into one of two catagories.  They are either excellent at action and description, or wizards of dialogue who suffer when it comes to bulky action.  I usually suffer from the latter, but I'm working on this.    
After reading Loud and Nasty, it is obvious to me that your strongpoints are in your descriptions.  

I felt the script was easy to follow and a fast read.  I could definitely get into the world you were trying to create and "SEE" what you were describing on page.  It's the dialogue that I had some trouble with.  

"Hey, man!  Give me my money or I'll kill you!"

...or some variation of that, pretty much sums up most of the dialogue in this story.  Most of the time, we're going place to place, visiting various hard ass gangsters who spout off stuff like...

"Give me my money, bitch or I'll blast your ass!"

...which made most of the characters seem like nothing more than reflections of each other.  Everyone's a drug dealer and everyone's double-crossing each other or getting revenge.  It's because of this that I found the story itself hard to follow.  I just could never get into "the story" and had no desire to keep reading, because I could never find a real story there.    

Tucker's struggling with his conscience about killing people for no good reason was a great idea, but his dialogue never seemed quite up to the job or was all that funny, as it could have been given the circumstances.  This story reminded me of a script I read for Outlaw Productions called "Joe's Last Chance" by Andrew Bergmann about a hitman who has an attack of conscience.  This script was loaded with gags about his past victims and how he just doesn't quite "enjoy it" anymore.  The Whole Nine Yards movies also did this well.  A story like this should either be full of these "gags" much like comedy thrillers like "Fletch" (also by Bergmann), Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction  and "Smokin' Aces", or should be an out-right comedy.  Most of the story has to do with killing people, threatening to kill people, holding people ransom, etc.  There are only spots here and there that seem to be slapstick comedy.  But what is this?  Are you doing a comedy, an action film?  You have to pick one...or make sure there is an even balance of each.  Fletch was great at this.  Very funny throughout, not just in places, but also a great detective story.  Jackie Brown and Out of Sight were funny because of the diverse variety of colorful characters and the stupid situations they got themselves in.              

My favorite part of this script was FRIZZY.  I thought the scene where he answered the door for Leonard was pretty funny and gave us some insight about what the movie was going to be like, but, unfortunately, never really developed into anything quite as funny as that scene.  I can see reflections of Elmore Leanord and Quentin Tarantino in your dialogue that could be very funny and witty, but needs a lot of work to stand up next to these names.  There's lots of "ha ha" dialogue in here concerning Tucker, but just isn't that funny or as interesting as it could be.  My suggestion to you is do some serious re-writes and make it as funny as possible and you've got yourself something to work with.

Thanks,
Eric            

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JD_OK
Posted: March 25th, 2007, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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I dunno where TA is, but this isnt meant for a comedy. but I could see where he could take it into a spoof. Yet it does serve as well action movie with some funny things.

I havent re read this in awhile, but rewrites is just part of making your story better and better.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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TAnthony
Posted: March 26th, 2007, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Dickson.


Quoted from ericdickson

There's lots of "ha ha" dialogue in here concerning Tucker, but just isn't that funny or as interesting as it could be.  My suggestion to you is do some serious re-writes and make it as funny as possible and you've got yourself something to work with.            


I must have really messed up on the dialogue, because I really was not trying to make this that funny. I wanted their to be funny moments, but I was attempting to make an action script.

I'm just now seriously re-writing this so hopefully I can turn this script around.

I'm almost finished with Night of the Red Phantom and I'm liking it.

Thanks again!


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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Scoob
Posted: April 19th, 2007, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tyler,

Here are some comments that I wrote down whilst reviewing your script. I hope they help you in some way.
I see you have quite a few reviews already so I apologize in advance if I bring up anything that has already been mentioned.

P1: Regarding the Stranger's scar - too much information. I dont know what incident he has been involved in so the whole sentence you wrote here is pointless and irrelevant.

The diner scene I think could be trimmed down. When you are telling us that the customers seem disturbed by the strangers scar you write too much I feel. I think you could put it in one sentence instead of a chunk - The customers quietly mock the Stranger's scar, or the whole place goes quiet...something simple like that might give you more space and room later on. ( I have a habit of doing the same thing by the way!)

P2: First lines - Again, too much detail. You can narrow this down with something like the owner makes little contact with him - that pretty much says all that needs to be said.

When the Stranger eats his pie at the bottom of the page: This seems too much info - I mean we dont need to know how he eats, you have described that clearly enough when you tell us he is devouring it. Same with the coffee - simplify it: He eats his pie, finishes and sips his coffee.

P3: Good interesting dialouge, albeit quite amusing, between the stranger and the owner.

P6: Bottom of the page - When the stranger shoots the waitress and knocks her off her feet. I presume she is dead but be more to the point. Might be nitpicking here but I think you just need to write shoots her dead, thats it.

P7: Samuels description is too detailed. If he is naive, then we will have to find this out in the story. You cant write what we cant see. I have done this myself, its more storytelling then script writing.

P13: Ext - Apartment Complex
Without knowing what Samuel is saying, it is hard to know why he is annoying. Im seeing that this storytelling way of writing you are using is looking like being a continuous thing so I will try not to bring it up again, but I think you need to rewrite a few scenes early on here and use minimal descriptions. Certainly cut a few lines out.
Apart from this, your format is spot on and your writing is good so lets see where the story goes from here.

P17: Some of the dialouge sounds a little off. One person says one thing; then the other repeats it in question, the person states it again. Or so it seems. I noticed this before when Samuel was shot. The dialouge in that scene seems acceptable as it came across humourus; almost Pulp Fiction-ish. It just sounds repetitive here and a waste of space.

P21: Toothpick might need more of a description.

P25: The dialouge between Tucker and Cassandra is good, quick and amusing. It's the best part of the script so far for me.

P29: Im thinking if you condensed the whole 3 pages of Cassandra and Tucker's conversation it might help. If you get to the point quicker - which I think is Cassandra telling Tucker what she thinks of him. Its good as it is but I think it would be better to minimize their conversations about what we have already seen.

P32: I thought it was funny when Rocky let Tucker in after letting him know why he didnt want him inside.

P33: Middle page. I hope this is intentionally funny becuase it works well. If not, I think you need to trim the dialouge so it does not go round in circles.

P34: I know its a flashback but - the heist sounds promising and Im looking forward to how this plays out. This looks like the part where things really start to kick off so Im expecting a bit of action and violence in the not so distant future.

P49: More aggresive dialouge would really help in some scenes. I respect your decision on using swearing sparingly so far, but in a story like this I think it would seem to be almost expected more frequent. It would help make the characters more realistic. At times, they come across a bit weak and soft because of there dialouge.

P55: I thought you did a good job with the gun battle where Tucker rescued his brother.
P63: I think you meant to put RICK instead of ROCKY as a character.
And it might be another nitpick, but I dont think many men would be able to run if they had just been shot there of all places!


More to follow...



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Scoob
Posted: April 19th, 2007, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Continued:

P72: I dont mind the flashbacks - I think it helps intwine the backstory with the present and there is some good stuff here, and it mixes well. There are times when Im just getting into the story and then the pace drops once we have to go on another flashback but apart from that it works for me. The idea of the story as a whole is good and it continues to unwrap as we go on.

P84: Miles continuous questioning here is annoying. I think you should explain his concerns in another way, maybe let there actions speak for themselves.

P99: I enjoyed the whole scene where the stranger finds Smooth and Cassandra. Well written, nicely described. A definite highlight and a good scene.

P100: The way everyone talks about Tucker, that he is a legend ect. is quite a funny running gag. It reminds me a little of the Snake Plissken character from Escape From New York where everyone who he bumps into or whenever someone talks about him thought he was dead.  Back to Tucker - I like it. It may pop up a hell of a lot but its quite amusing.

P105: The Stranger is a cool villain - if you can sort out some of the early dialouge problems I think his character will benefit from it.
Quite surprised Miles was killed and I didnt expect Luther to be revealed as the Stranger. Be interesting to see how you explain this...

P108: What comes around, goes around looks like the main moral of this story. I like it.
I like how you linked the Rick shooting incident into this whole story. Nicely done.

And done.

Good ending. I like the way everything came in place and although you end it on a somewhat downbeat mood, I think that it works well and is quite an original ending.
You have a good story, things really kick up a gear in the last act or the last 15-20 pages.Your writing is good, you have describe things clearly and have created some good characters that are certainlt developed throughout the script. I would say Tucker and the Stranger were the characters I enjoyed the most, the Stranger's mystique was intriguing throughout.
The flashbacks, slightly annoying at the start because of their unexpected frequency, soon became enjoyable and pivitol to the story.

I would say that I think you need to cut a lot of unnessecary descriptions and dialouge out. Simplify them and dont worry about detailing conversations too much. Sure, you need character development and some chit chat is always good to read but I think you may have over done it a little. Once you sort these out, I think you have a solid script and one that can only get better.

All the best,




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TAnthony
Posted: April 20th, 2007, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Scoob, thanks for the great review.

Loud and Nasty was my first completed script and I've just now begun to allow myself to really take a chainsaw to it and cut it up. I'm going to do a serious re-write, and all of that unbelievable crappy dialogue, and bad action lines will be replaced.

Thanks again (Nearly finished with Malevolent I; I like it.)


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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Scoob
Posted: April 22nd, 2007, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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No worries,

I'll look forward to the re-write as well as reading Down And Dirty, which I will crack on with later this week.

Thanks for the Malevolent review aswell, very helpful.

All the best



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tweak
Posted: April 25th, 2007, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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I couldn't finish it, so I am not going to make page by page suggestions.  The most important thing to me is that the story, dialogue, and action is strong enough for me to finish the screenplay.

The beginning started off really weak.  The whole diner conversation makes me think the Stranger is a punk kid.  I cannot take the Stranger seriously.  I all most want to laugh.  His whole mission thing just doesn't fit.  After about 4 pages, the story starts.  Why does it take so long to mention Tucker?  Why do some of the action sequences tell versus show?

For example, "begins his phony, daily greeting".  If that is so important, couldn't you just write (phony) in his dialogue?

The other problem is the scene length.  Any time a scene goes over 2 pages, I start to wonder about the importance of the dialogue.  

Have you read this screenplay out loud?  That might help you with timing the dialogue.  This will also help you quickly find the sayings that just sound strange.

Finally, what is the story about?  After reading the first 40 pages, I have no idea what was going on.  There is a lot of violence and mouthing off, but what's the point?  Are you trying to establish Tucker as a bad character?  If Tucker gets wacked, there is nothing established to make me want to see him live.  

Is this a redemption story?  And is there a particular character I am supposed to like?  I am reading, and I really don't like any of the characters.  And why all the flashbacks?  There seems to be one every dozen or so pages.

Finally, the character's name reminds me of the movie "John Tucker Must Die."

Cheers,

tweak

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TAnthony
Posted: April 27th, 2007, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tweak,

Thanks for the review. I'm just now realizing that this screenplay isn't as good as I thought it was. This was my first and it's got a few rookie mistakes and odd dialogue. It's still a work in progress.

Thanks again.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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tweak
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Quoted from TAnthony
Hey Tweak,

Thanks for the review. I'm just now realizing that this screenplay isn't as good as I thought it was. This was my first and it's got a few rookie mistakes and odd dialogue. It's still a work in progress.

Thanks again.


If you are feeling down because the story isn't firing on all cylinders, go read some first drafts.  There are a lot of bad ones out there that after revisions turned out pretty damn good.  

The good news is that you wrote a screenplay from start to finish.  A lot of people don't do that, so kudos for doing that.

Now, outline your story again and start doing some re-writes!

tweak
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Whacky
Posted: April 29th, 2007, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Good stuff. I'm new here, but this script is slick and interesting. Contary to other readers i think the diagloge works well - its sharp, occasionally witty and engaging.

This may just be me, and i wouldnt usually sugesst it, but i think that futher use of profanity could work well here. Some scenes of chaos, like Tucker finding Cass and Smooth in his apartment, could do with more use of profanity to make it that little bit more realistic. Other scenes aswell could benefit from this. Im not saying a Pulp Fiction level of swearing, just afew more swear words. I mean, this is a gangster/crime movie and it would work well to highten the level of the gangster (badass) look to each character if they swore just that little bit more.

Some lines can go. The one that struck me the most was at the end, when Luther is talking to Kelly at the hospital and he says something like "I think i can get hold of 100k". That doesnt need to be said, the audience and reader know by this point exactly what has happened and i think in the context of a film, that wouldnt work well at all. There are afew more lines like this, cant think of them off the top of my head just now - you dont need your characters to point out the obvious.

There is a scene, when Rocky is in his car and he rings up Tucker to say that Zach is in, or something like that. This scene can go i think. Its short and pointless. Again, i think there was some other scenes like this, pointless and not doing anything to progress the story or engage the reader. We could have easily worked that out if Zach had just been there, we dont need to see Rocky telling Tucker this.

Other than these minor complaints its a damn good script. I could imagine it being a film. With quite a large budget this film could take off i think. It just needs to be that little bit tidier. More slick. Tidy it up. Perhaps, embelish the characters just that little bit more - give the audience more reason to mourn the loss of each character as they  get killed.

Keep writing

Whacky

PS - sorry man, dont know how to give stars....it would have got 4-5 starts from me.
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