Well James, I have a habit of checking out a good portion of the comedy scripts on here (even if they are in the Action section), so I figured I'd check this one out, since based on Cindy's feedback of "Commanche Carl" you appear to be a good writer.
I have a tendency to write random observations as I read, so this should pretty much be in chronological order, with a comment on the overall script at the end.
- No page numbers actually on the page, but since you don't have a title page, the adobe counter is accurate.
- During the scene with Joe, His parents, and Lady Gattalite, I had to go back up to confirm that Dee was actually Joe's mom. Some of the dialgoue had me thinking that she was his sister, and Lady Gattalite was the mom. The hierarchy is there, just seems younger.
-Longsnout never questions why he's called that, so why does Joe point that out to him. It seems like it should be more of a question from Joe, especially considering Longsnout's little speech about how you're given a new name.
- Longsnout seemingly "transforms" Joe, O.T. enter's the picture, and Longsnout just kind of disappeared. I didn't find any mention him leaving or anything, he just kind of trailed off into nowhere. Seems like Joe would be asking him some questions or something.
- O.T. is going by way too many names. Joe's calling him Mr. Tolliver, then he's instructed to call him O.T., and then O.T. is answering the phone as Tolliver. If he wants people to call him O.T., he should be consistent.
- Ok, now we're getting into the sports aspect of the script. Let's see how Jim Thorpe for the new millenium does.
-Number 0 - hahaha. reminds me of Paper Lion.
You have a couple instance of "offence" in this sequence. Should be "Offense"
- When Joe turns the wrong way, runs for his life, and throws the ball just before he's tackled, it reads more like an incomplete pass than a fumble, which would prevent the defense from recovering it and running in for the touchdown.
- Ok, this one is nitpicky, but I figured I'd point it out anyway. If Joe's pitch sails twenty feet behind the batter to hit a popcorn vendor, it should be toward the home teams dugout. If it's directly behind the batter, catcher, and umpire, there would be a protective net there to stop it. Every park has one.
- Recommendation regarding "Mike Tyson". "He must have been the one that bit my ear. A little more topical than poked my eyes. You use the blindness in a minor gag right after, but that could go.
- Damn Yankees. That's a pretty funny coincidence. I was just in a play last March that was loosely based on it. I played the young ballplayer.
- I wouldn't blatantly point out that the Black and White Males look like Jules and Vincent from Pulp Fiction. Let that next line of a dialogue point that out. Most people should understand it based on that alone. I think it would be pretty funny on screen since it's so random, but that description just bothers me.
- The broken wrist slider is a nice addition. Reminds me of the tendons healign to tightly in Rookie of the Year, allowing for super fastballs.
- And we finally figure out why Tillie can see Joe for what he is. I'm pretty sure I know where this one is going, but I'll comment on the end as to whether or not I was right.
- Page 83. I'm hugely reminded of George Bailey offering to lasso the moon for Mary. Actually, I got a Clarence impression from Longsnout as well, but he disappeared and still hasn't come back.
Page 86. You have O.T.'s name over Joe's dialogue.
Alright, Longsnout's back. You should really try to fit him in a little more in the middle of the script. I think he's a rather interesting character who deserves a little more time.
- I don't care much for the sequence of trying to get the batter to point, and them him actually succeeding by telling him that he can't. A professional ballplayer bunting on a dare just doesn't fit.
- O'Casey at the bat? Hmm, a little ironic, but I guess well executed. I'm also assuming that there are two outs when Joe comes in. There's no mention of it, but that's the only out he gets and then the game is over.
Also, even though O'Casey struck out, the catcher didn't catch the ball and O'Casey would have the opportunity to take first base because of it. He'd have to either be thrown ou tor tagged. If you caught last year's ALCS, think of what happened when AJ Pierzynski (sp) "struck out".
And in the end, everything works out. Yay.
On the whole, the story was ok. Like I said throughout, I noticed a lot of little references, or things that really reminded me of other films, most notably, It's a Wonderful Life, Mr. Destiny, Damn Yankees, Rookie of the Year, and even the Shrek movies. Casey at the bat was definitely in there as well, but that's more of a poem/disney short than an actual film.
It's a simple story, and if it were to be made I coudl watch it and not feel like I totally wasted an hour and 45 minutes of my life, so I guess your mission is accomplished.
My recommendations would be to try and get Longsnout a little more involved. REALLY show him as O.T.'s flunkie, so the ending payoff is that much better, and tighten up those sports inaccuracies. Thinking about them really distracted me from the story at points.
Other than that, good dialogue, especially in the family banter, and a nice simple story with a decent payoff, that would make a pretty good family film with the loss of all the "rich bitch" comments.
Nice work. 2.5/5