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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Rats in the City Moderators: bert
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  Author    Rats in the City  (currently 1424 views)
Don
Posted: July 3rd, 2006, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rats in the City by Wesley Frazier - Action - The films revolves around Addison, Texas. In this city, once you get past the suburban neighborhoods and the college bound teen, appearing out of the shadows of the dark lie the criminal underground. At this point in time two powerhouses: the Dynasty Family and The Shark collide to make a major transaction. However, Murphy's law play it's part and the deal goes to hell. Now both sides question on another and build vendettas. Vengence is only the beginning. 129 pages - fdr, format


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Lon
Posted: July 4th, 2006, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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I got about seven pages into this before I stopped.  This is going to come off as rude, but I assure you I have the best intentions.

Even using Final Draft, your format is all kablooey.  The title page is off, the second page -- which would be the first page of the script -- is completely empty save for "FADE IN" at the BOTTOM of the page.  Spelling mistakes, only seven pages in, are more than I could keep track of and the dialogue was repetitive in several instances and too "on-the-nose."  

I can't say what I think of the story so far, because I was far too distracted by the grammatical and format errors to pay attention.

My advice:  go over your script from page one (including the title page) and rewrite it.  Then rewrite it again.  What the hell, rewrite it a third time for good measure.  Only when you've eliminated ugly eye-sores and technical errors will a reader be able to focus on what your script is actually about: the story.

Good luck.  Keep writing.   

- Lon  
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