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Don
Posted: August 22nd, 2006, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Down and Dirty by Tyler Hawkins (Tanthony) - Action - An aging gangster and his buddy go on a manhunt to kill the person who murdered their friend. Sequel to Loud and Nasty. 104 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 26th, 2006, 6:37pm
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Steve-Dave
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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I thought the first was very loud...AND nasty, so I thought I'd see how down and dirty this one got. I give you major props right off the bat just for the names alone.  Here's my review.

Cool how story centers around Slick. Slick was probably my favorite character from the first, don't ask me why.

typo pg 1 - Hector is (AN) Hispanic male.

I think the hand that Hector beats Slick with shoulf be just alittle bit better than Slick's hand, as he says "See, I know you too well Slick", but he did have a royal flush, which means he would've beat anybody, that doesn't really demonstrate his calling of Slick's bluff.

typo pg 7 - Desmond - says pyshco, should be psycho.

typo pg 8 - cooper - "why'd DO ask that"?

typo pg 10 - Desmond - "Three years in the PIN"

bottom pg 10 - put EXT - ROOM when it should be INT.

typo top pg 12 - slick - "I don't give a fuck who YOU'RE daddy is"

pg 13 -  Why does Desmond dream about Hector before he even meets him?

typo pg 14 - Slick - "We THROUGH it in the river"

typo pg 15 - slick - "just some ADIVE"

typo pg 19 - Desmond - "What so great about this guy?"

typo pg 29 - Desmond - "I'M don't know"

typo pg 46 - Slick - "adress"

typo pg 46 - Hector - "What IS he doesn't even show up at the address"

the scene on pg 47 should be written better. It confused me.

pg 48 - description typo - "he's barely watches it"

top pg 49 - description typo - "Penelope gets down on HERE knees"

Arguments of them trying to find out the identity of someone gets a little trite. I think it's too much filler taking up space. In the situation with Penelope, why would she ask Hector to come so urgently and then not want to tell him Ugly's identity?

I think lil timmy should speak more dorogatory rather than just saying a black and a mexican, as they are being set up as the antagonists, and they killed Joey.

typo pg 62 - Slick - "I'm not HUNRY"

Two shots hitting exactly two light bulbs seems a little coincidental. I'd just do one light bulb and it goes black. Otherwise, I liked the pitch black room scene.

These guys are really good at hitting tires while driving. I think you can eliminate Slick's flashback driving on pg 74.

typo pg 81 - Penelpe - "That's WANT you get, bitch"

typo pg 91 - disappearing not dissapearing

typo pg 92 - "Big Tommy tries to GRABS"

Your influences come through a lot in your writing. I'd say probably a little too much. In the first, Luther had a real Clint Eastwood feel, not in this one, but Tarantino and Scorsese definitely have a strong presence in both, Tarantino especially in this one. I'm a big fan of Tarantino and Scorsese too, and I spotted a lot of similar lines, ie I'm gonna take a dump for example. There were others too, but I can't remember all. I'd try to eliminate things like this, and try to form more of your own voice.

All in all though, I thought this was a pretty good story. I liked Desmond and Slick's story. I think I like the first a little better. Structure was a lot better. Not any rambling or repeating yourself. good job.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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TAnthony
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, I need a lot of help with this one.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS-------------------------

Wow thanks for catching all those typos! I don't even know how I missed some of those.

-the scene on pg 47 should be written better. It confused me.

How so? Did I do something wrong with the intercuts?

-Your influences come through a lot in your writing. I'd say probably a little too much. In the first, Luther had a real Clint Eastwood feel, not in this one, but Tarantino and Scorsese definitely have a strong presence in both, Tarantino especially in this one. I'm a big fan of Tarantino and Scorsese too, and I spotted a lot of similar lines, ie I'm gonna take a dump for example. There were others too, but I can't remember all. I'd try to eliminate things like this, and try to form more of your own voice.

Yeah, I guess this is a pretty big problem for me, because I don't even realize that the script seems a lot like Tarantino & Scorsese. I'm influenced a lot and I don't even realize when I do it or where I did it in the script. So if you remember where some more of the instances are please try to help me out.

Did you have any other comments about the story? I'm getting a few complaints about Hector and Penelope's little sub-plot. What did you think about that?

Thanks sry, you've been extremely helpful!


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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Steve-Dave
Posted: August 25th, 2006, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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The scene on pg 47, I went back and read it and it was fine. That was my fault, sorry. I must've read it wrong.

and with Tarantino and Scorsese, it's just a lot of little things. like pg 14, Hector asks stop freaking out on us. Vincent Vega said that in Pulp Fiction. The toothpick nickname in the first was reservoir dogs, Cassandra in the first I think was mocking Tucker in a way that reminded me of when Brdget Fonda Was mocking Robert DeNiro in the parking lot in Jackie Brown, The part in the card game where Hector said that if he has a good hand he itches his nose, reminded me of Christopher Walken in the "pantimime" scene with Dennis Hopper in True Romance. Desmond moving around in the trunk was out of Goodfellas, and moving him a little distance in the trunk before whacking him reminds me of Jackie Brown. A guy showing up with a greasy Mohawk (I bet influenced by Taxi Driver) There's a lot of little similarities that I think only big fans of Tarantino and Scorsese would catch. There's more sprinkled throughout both screenplays that I would have to re-read both of them to catch all of them. Maybe it's not that big a deal, but if you love Tarantino and Scorsese as much as I, it gets distracting sometimes. 'Cuz one or two is no big deal, but when you have THAT many little similarities all bunched up together, then it kinda starts to snowball, then the reader might try to deliberately look for things, and say "oh, that's like True Romance, or that's like Reservoir Dogs" you know what I mean? Maybe I'm just being anal and it's not that big a deal, but I'm just saying you should try to forge your own groove. 'cuz do you wanna be the next Tarantino, or Tyler Hawkins?

Hector and Penelope, I thought was the weakest part of the story. I liked Desmond and Slick and Cooper's story, but thought Hector and penelope could have been better than what it was. It just wasn't as interesting. I think there should be more of a story and motivation for penelope and Ugly besides just going to look at his money. I just didn't know how to feel about their story, and can't really put my finger on why it wasn't as good. I just think it should be more interesting. Like maybe she does sleep with Ugly for his money, and just more twists and turns, you know. Maybe something like that. I think she should play Hector a little more too. Maybe eliminate the flashback portion, and trying to pull one over on us, and just show everything that happened to penelope straight up, rather then showing us later in the flashback. I think it would be a lot more powerful if we know how she is trying to play Hector the WHOLE time, and how conniving she really is, even though Hectoer doesn't. But all of this is just my two cents. Take it or leave it. Good luck.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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tonkatough
Posted: September 15th, 2006, 8:43am Report to Moderator
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I was browsing through the lists of diffrent genres, looking for a script I could read in exchange for mine when "Jumping Jimmy The Cricket!" I stumbled across a sequel to Loud & Nasty. I loved that script and I didn't even know there was a sequel.

Tyler this script is awsome! Enjoyed as much as I enjoyed Loud & nasty.

I was so immersed in the story and characters that I didn't notice any mistakes at all.

You are very skilled at plot. Feeding little bits of info a piece at a time to keep reader hooked and turning pages. Very well done. The way the story unfolded was fascinating and enjoyable to read.

I had no idea who Desmond's father was. It was a total supirise when it was revealed.

Round about page 39 I noticed the scene was identical to hook. How did you do this? Did you plan it all along or did you copy and paste the scene at begining of the script as an after thought?  

Desmond's gun fascination was cool, a great little personality trait to flesh out the character. nice touch.

Loved the part where Hector has the gun jam and it is linked to Desmond's criticisim Desert eagle ealry on in script. Funny stuff. Is this little trick an example of a payoff? I hear the word Payoff mentioned a lot but don't fully understand it.

The ending with Desmond and Slick was a bit a of bummer. You didn't have to do that. It spoilt the script and felt like more of a cop out than a conclusion. That is one thing I would change. You need a stronger resolution between father and son.

Once again, you have the female as the outstanding character in your story. Penelope was the best. My favourite. Her betrayal rocked. I love your female characters and would like to see you have a female lead in any future script you do.

great stuff. solid script. look forward to your next one.


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TAnthony
Posted: September 18th, 2006, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Tonkatough! I'm glad you liked this one just as much as the first, because I wasn't too sure about it. About your criticism of the ending - I'll have to think about it some more.


Quoted from tonkatough
Round about page 39 I noticed the scene was identical to hook. How did you do this? Did you plan it all along or did you copy and paste the scene at begining of the script as an after thought?


I planned it all along. I wrote the opening scene the way it is and put the two days later super. When I got to the point in the script where I wanted to put it in again I just copied and pasted it from the beginning.


Quoted from tonkatough
Loved the part where Hector has the gun jam and it is linked to Desmond's criticisim Desert eagle ealry on in script. Funny stuff. Is this little trick an example of a payoff? I hear the word Payoff mentioned a lot but don't fully understand it.


Yeah that was an example of a setup and a pay off. I set it up by having Desmond foreshadow it jamming, then later in the script it jammed.


Quoted from tonkatough
The ending with Desmond and Slick was a bit a of bummer. You didn't have to do that. It spoilt the script and felt like more of a cop out than a conclusion. That is one thing I would change. You need a stronger resolution between father and son.


You may be right about this, but I'm not sure about letting these very bad men walk away scotch free in the end. I want them to pay the price.


Quoted from tonkatough
Once again, you have the female as the outstanding character in your story. Penelope was the best. My favourite. Her betrayal rocked. I love your female characters and would like to see you have a female lead in any future script you do.


Thanks. It's cool you say that because Penelope is the lead in the third and last installment of the series.

Thanks again Tonkatough.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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Steve-Dave
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Quoted from TAnthony
Thanks. It's cool you say that because Penelope is the lead in the third and last installment of the series.


COOL! Are you writing it now, or will that be somewhere further down the road? I think Penelope would make a pretty bad ass lead.



"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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tonkatough
Posted: September 19th, 2006, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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The perils of Penelope. Oh God yes! I'll read that.  


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Higgonaitor
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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"HECTOR (CONT'D)
Where is she? What did you do to
her? I want to know what you did
with her ass hole!"

A comma makes a big difference here. I'm almost done, just hought I 'd point that out So I wouldnt forget.  Page 69.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS!

Hey TA,
This was a very powerful script.  I definetely got a "The Pearl" Vibe from it which is great because Steinbeck is a genius and that bnook definetely is a shocking look on the power of greed, and so, I thought, was your script, but you took it one step further by adding in revenge.

It was risky to have all of your characters die, but it definetely worked for you, for as I said this script ended up being very powerful, especially with the death of Desmond.

I do however, have a few criticisms:

Parts of the dialogue struck me as kind of cheesy, or unreal.  For example, when Cooper asks Desmond to stay with him, Desmond seemed a bit to argumentative, and they have what seems like a playful banter going already.  The emotions I think that would really be there, are skepticism, and then gratitude, or something along those lines.  Then a little of Slicks dialogue seemed out of character, but thats a little more undestandable, because he was dieing and all.

You Flash back and show us scenes we've already seen.  While this can be powerful in some scripts, and you script was powerful, I did not think your flashbacks were (Don't confuse this with the dream sequence, that worked out great IMO).  Your flashback at the end did not work for me at all.  Perhaps instead, do not actually show us the scene, but let us hear the scene as a voice over as big and lil timmy throw desmond into the river, I think that would work much better for you.  As for coopers death flash back, perhaps do it from a different point of view, maybe Benitos, so we don't have to see\read that entire scene over again (That's too final destinationy).  Penelopes was fine, it was a short enough scene to replay.

Speaking of which, The whole Penelope sub-plot was just great.  I was definetely not suspecting it, but it works well (but you do use the line "Stop, you're hurting me ay too many times in this script.  I believe Desmond Say's it once, Penelope two or three times, and Coopers wife once or twice.  People can say other things when they are being hurt.)

Yeah, the script was really good (powerful, for like the third time).  I really recommend ending it the way I said, if you're a bit confused on that, feel free to ask me.  BTW, I loved how you had three plots that all worked together to reach a final epiphanic moment.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

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TAnthony
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Higgonaitor
"HECTOR (CONT'D)
Where is she? What did you do to
her? I want to know what you did
with her a** hole!"

A comma makes a big difference here. I'm almost done, just hought I 'd point that out So I wouldnt forget.  Page 69. .
  

I'm confused what you mean here.


Quoted from Higgonaitor

You Flash back and show us scenes we've already seen.  While this can be powerful in some scripts, and you script was powerful, I did not think your flashbacks were (Don't confuse this with the dream sequence, that worked out great IMO).  Your flashback at the end did not work for me at all.  Perhaps instead, do not actually show us the scene, but let us hear the scene as a voice over as big and lil timmy throw desmond into the river, I think that would work much better for you.  As for coopers death flash back, perhaps do it from a different point of view, maybe Benitos, so we don't have to see\read that entire scene over again (That's too final destinationy).  Penelopes was fine, it was a short enough scene to replay.
  

That's an awesome idea I'm going to do that. Thanks!


Quoted from Higgonaitor
This was a very powerful script.
  

lol. Thanks.

Thanks for the review Higgonaitor!



"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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Higgonaitor
Posted: September 27th, 2006, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TAnthony
  

I'm confused what you mean here.


If you don't have a comma there, it looks like hector wants to know what Ugly did with Penelopes asshole, rather than wanting to know what ugly, that asshoe, did with Penelope.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
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TAnthony
Posted: September 27th, 2006, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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LOL thanks for pointing that out for me can't believe I missed that.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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GM
Posted: October 7th, 2006, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS!

Hey TAnthony. Sorry it took long to read, but I finished it today. It's a really good story with twists and turns that I didn't see coming and which I also disliked(in a good sense) because it will not make me forget this script too easily. Nevertheless, you cut the scenes very abrudbtly in the beginning to another scene, but as the story progresses it gets better. I'm not too well knowledeged about formatting but the dreams(which were very good) needed to occur in a place since you have INT. Of course, you are well aware of going back and examining errors and other problems you see that afflicts with the story. In addition, try to be more speciifc with the scene headings since most were very vague. Other than that, I enjoyed it very much. I'll see if I could read the first script that this sequel is based on.

Gabriel  
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TAnthony
Posted: October 9th, 2006, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your comments Mr. Ripley, very helpful. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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