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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Down and Dirty Moderators: bert
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  Author    Down and Dirty  (currently 5398 views)
dresseme
Posted: October 12th, 2006, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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I'm enjoying the read so far. I'm up to about page 30.  The story isn't dragging and I'm interested to see where it goes.  However, I have some criticisms...but they're just my own lil' nitpicks:

1) I question Cooper's motivations for bringing a random guy in.  I'm hoping that this will pay off and that he did it for a reason, but I find it hard to believe someone would just bring someone else in off of the street.

2) Lil' Tommy and Big Tommy are a little too cliche of gangster names.  Try and thinking of something new and unique.

That's pretty much it.  I can't really comment on other stuff until I read it as a whole, but I'll get back to that later.  I'm a fast reader, so the full review should be up soon.
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dresseme
Posted: October 12th, 2006, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, done!  Told you I read fast.  Onto my review...


Overall, an enjoyable read.  It reminded me a lot of Running Scared...not sure why, maybe I just pictured it in that type of style.  

The torture scenes....as yes, the torture scenes.  Now, maybe this is just me, but when I see a torture scene in a movie I like it to be either violent or really unique...or even both if you can.  When they're torturing Greg, for instance, I would have had Slick grab something really unique that would make a shiver run up the audience's spine as they think "Man, I would hate it if someone worked me over with that."  THOSE type of torture scenes are the ones that really stick out in my mind. Same goes for when Timothy was torturing Desmond near the end.  You don't want to have too many unique torture scenes (because not everyone thinks that much when they're beating the shit out of someone), but one couldn't hurt.  I think the first (with Slick) would be better to portray the true type of psycho he is.

Make Greg's gun more distinct.  I don't care how much of a gun expert you are, I don't think you could tell that it's the same gun (even if the nose of the gun is messed up)  I'd imagine the gunman stood a distance away from them, and I think it'd make more sense if he had a specialized finish/handle on it or something.

p. 45 "You're going to tell me..."  I really like this line.

When did the tire get fixed on the car after the shootout?  Perhaps you could have a scene at a repair shop with an angered back and forth between Slick and Desmond.

Finally, I don't know how I feel about Desmond firing in the end.  I think it would have made more sense for Slick to interupt his questioning by just shooting the guy.  The way it is, there are no real likable characters in the story.  I mean, yeah Desmond is likable, but I think it would be hard to like him after he blows someone away as they are begging for their life.

Other than that, like I said, I enjoyed the read. A few spelling/grammar errors here and the
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TAnthony
Posted: October 12th, 2006, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dresseme
1) I question Cooper's motivations for bringing a random guy in.  I'm hoping that this will pay off and that he did it for a reason, but I find it hard to believe someone would just bring someone else in off of the street..


I probably should have made a bigger point out of this, but Cooper let him come into his home, because he's lonely and misses his wife.


Quoted from dresseme
Make Greg's gun more distinct.  I don't care how much of a gun expert you are, I don't think you could tell that it's the same gun (even if the nose of the gun is messed up)  I'd imagine the gunman stood a distance away from them, and I think it'd make more sense if he had a specialized finish/handle on it or something.


Oh thanks! I like that specialized handle idea.


Quoted from dresseme

When did the tire get fixed on the car after the shootout?  Perhaps you could have a scene at a repair shop with an angered back and forth between Slick and Desmond..


Oh yeah, thanks again I never even thought about that.

I'm glad you enjoyed the read. And thanks again for all those awesome ideas. I'm going to start your script today.

Thanks.



"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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DOM
Posted: October 15th, 2006, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Sorry about gibing a crap review, but the only thing I found wrong with it was a few spelling mistakes. Great story, grat plot, great script. I could totally see this as a movie.
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medstudent
Posted: November 12th, 2006, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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TAnthony,

Without reading the pre-quel to this I still felt I wasn't out of touch with the characters. The story stood on its own. Good for that.

You have a good story here. Albeit a little complicated at times, I think you held it together well. I like the idea of posing a "dramatic question" in the first few pages. This sets the story up nicely. It made me want to keep reading. The only problem I saw with this was the scene you chose happened too quickly after the initial introduction. I would have use one of the very last scenes for this. Using it this way will always leave the reader with suspense. Wanting to know when and why the initial scene happens. A great use of this is in American Beauty. A few sentences of dialogue set the entire story up by indicating that the main character was going to get killed. So, besides the story being a great one besides this, it kept me wondering what the hell was going to happen to this guy and who was going to do it. If he would have been killed in the middle of the movie it would have ruined that part of the suspense.

Your plot and action sequences were nicely done. Good job. You certainly have a knack for setting things up where and when they should be. Plot points in the right spots...action where it was supposed to be...dramatic events appropriately placed. Good job with this. I'm finding this part of screenwriting to be one of the most difficult, technically speaking. I liked the feel of the story as a whole.

One thing I found a little disappointing or misleading was Cooper. You made it appear as though he was going to be your protagonist from the beginning. Yet, you changed it(sort of) during the first half. I didn't see Slick or Desmond being the protagonists in the beginning.

I didn't see any real character arcs from your protagonists. No redemption for any of them in the end. Slick didn't turn out to be the father Desmond was looking for and I'm not too sure Desmond found who he was either. Slick's attitude only changed when he was falling headfirst in the grass. Too late. I think this is the only real thing missing in the story.

Here are some notes I took while reading:
Pg 2: "Peak" should be "Peek"
Pg 5: Complete blackness with blood splatter? How do you see that?
Pg 6: "Day" should be "Say"?
Pg 14: "Through" should be "Threw"
Pg 29: "I'm don't even know." Did you mean, "I don't even know."?
Pg 46 "...long as road trip..." Did you mean, "...long ass road trip..."?

The scene with Penelope and Ugly(2nd one) needs something more. Some transitory action or dialogue before he shows her the money again. Felt rushed.

Car/Chase scene: Need less dialogue here. I'm trying to imagine gunfire, tires exploding, mirrors being ripped off and all the characters carrying on conversations. Less in better here.

Pg 60: "...dropping he and his gun..." Did you mean, "...dropping him and his gun..."?

Pg 61:         HECTOR
     Fucking kid was right.   (Get rid of this)

Pg 63: That was a quick dump!

Pg 67:         SLICK
     "He's my son."    (Get rid of this)

Is Desmond having these dreams?

Pg 74:         DESMOND
      "...you gotta away from thos mobsters?"   Did you mean, "...you got away from those mobsters?"

Pg 81: Why would Penelope kill Hector? She could just stay with him and use him.

Pg 83: I would rather Penelope had slept with Ugly willingly instead of whipping his ass.

Pg 90: Slick's dialogue about his wound should be cut.


Great job. Keep up the good work.

Joseph



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TAnthony
Posted: November 12th, 2006, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review medstudent, very helpful.


Quoted from medstudent

You have a good story here. Albeit a little complicated at times, I think you held it together well. I like the idea of posing a "dramatic question" in the first few pages. This sets the story up nicely. It made me want to keep reading. The only problem I saw with this was the scene you chose happened too quickly after the initial introduction. I would have use one of the very last scenes for this. Using it this way will always leave the reader with suspense. Wanting to know when and why the initial scene happens.


I thought about this, but I thought the script had enough suspense going for it after the scene happened again. I'll have to think about it some more.


Quoted from medstudent
One thing I found a little disappointing or misleading was Cooper. You made it appear as though he was going to be your protagonist from the beginning. Yet, you changed it(sort of) during the first half. I didn't see Slick or Desmond being the protagonists in the beginning.


People tend to say that a lot about some of my scripts and I kind of like that in my stories, the fact that you think someone's the main character and then before you know it they're dead.


Quoted from medstudent
I didn't see any real character arcs from your protagonists. No redemption for any of them in the end. Slick didn't turn out to be the father Desmond was looking for and I'm not too sure Desmond found who he was either. Slick's attitude only changed when he was falling headfirst in the grass. Too late. I think this is the only real thing missing in the story.


That's what I wanted. The fact Slick's attitude changed too late. But I see what you're saying, I'll try to change that.


Quoted from medstudent

Pg 61:         HECTOR
     Fucking kid was right.   (Get rid of this)


Why, what was wrong with that line?


Quoted from medstudent

Pg 67:         SLICK
     "He's my son."    (Get rid of this)


What was wrong with that?

Quoted from medstudent

Is Desmond having these dreams?)


Yeah he is, I'll try to make a better point of that.

Thanks for the review, this should really aid in my re-write.

Thanks.





"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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medstudent
Posted: November 13th, 2006, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I thought about this, but I thought the script had enough suspense going for it after the scene happened again. I'll have to think about it some more.


Yes, but this would give it that something "extra". American Beauty could have still been a wonderful movie even without the inital carrot. But, wasn't it great to have that beginning!

About the proposed cuts to the dialogue...

You ever get on that water slide that from the top looks like its going to be a blast...fast and fun. On the way down, everything is going as planned...then you hit that spot where the seams weren't quite put together well, too much seam putty used and it slows down the ride a bit...gives you a red mark...

That's how those pieces of dialogue felt. Difficult to explain.


Quoted Text
That's what I wanted. The fact Slick's attitude changed too late. But I see what you're saying, I'll try to change that.


I know what you were going for...and I like that. Every french movie has those types of down endings. That's real life. But, if you want it to be more effective, turn your characters towards redemtion...and just as it seems like everything is going to turn out...BAM! Life happens. Give them a scene or two that shows that other side...

Anyways, take these suggestions with a grain of salt. As you know, I have a lot of work to do myself.

Joseph



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JD_OK
Posted: November 16th, 2006, 1:18am Report to Moderator
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I always stuff out which things I find as I go, that are unnecessary/errors.  But 1st advice I give is to move all verbs (THAT CAN be) into ACTIVE verbs.

Example. "Four men sit around a table playing cards"

Active *"Four men play cards around a table."

     "He's a young looking black man with close cut"
Active*"Young black man with close cut"  Where you can't loose the ING, lose the word.;0)

Active sentences read better, and make shorter.

Page one.

Hector turns to Slick <- -

                    Hector
               (to slick) <- -

One of those <-- needs to go, no need to repeat the info. I already see a few grammar problems, which isn�t big deal for me. But if you want your script to be taken seriously ( to be sold) gotta fix those. I'll show you this example.

"One bullet tears his ear off the other goes through his forehead snapping his head back."

Should read/active*
"One bullet tears his ear off. The other goes through his forehead, which snaps his head back."

Another thing, who is shot, Cooper? since that sentence is seperate from a connecting sentence, refer to who has been shot.

Also, CAPITALIZE only first character intro. No need to cap sound effects. My professional consulant ( cost me big bucks) told me, that is old school. It is not done anymore.

That enough from that stuff. Im going to read read now, and not look at things, but I will remember after I'm done what I noticed. (thanks about the flash backs, I did have some missing)

Page six desmond.
"What, what'd you just day?" mean say?

You reference "two men or The man" Which you should just say who they are instead, f they have been introduced.

page11

Joey says
"Do you know who my brothers are? lil tommy and big tommy?"

Slick
"I dont give a f*** who you're daddy is." This line could be interpetted wrong. i would add "Look,I dont even give a f*** who you're daddy is..." to say, he doesnt care about the brothers if that is what you are implying in that reply.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  December 31st, 2006, 5:26pm
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JD_OK
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Well, I know you playing think Im just a hating or something, but the STORY DID NOT WORK for me in many ways.

I read everything, and around page 51 or 60, i wanted to stop. but I can't very well completely speak without reading everything.

Format
Spelling, gramar error everywhere. I noiticed several paragraphs that only had ONE period through out it. Which turns into a run-on sentence. You state a sentence as aquestion yet you end it with "!", instead of "?!"

In you action scenes, When things happen, you have it all jumbled up together.

You switch back and forth, several times from scenes without indictaing INT. and EXT. Now I understand what you mean, but to be presented in professional form, what you have will not do.

You have O.S. when they should be V.O.
O.S. = Off screen, you dont see the person speaking, but they are in the same INT as who they are communicating with.

Missing FADE IN
Including when "credits" and title of the movie roll is a no no.

When you do, your flash backs, You repeat the ENTIRE SEQUENCE. The reader has already read this, and really doesnt need to fully see it again. You should come back to the like section before your scene cut off from before.

Plot

You set things up, just for the CONVIENCE sake of the plot. Alot of it seems so unreal/natural

Cooper taking in a strange person off the streets, and You just tell us he is nice guy? WHat makes us believe that? Maybe if smeone in his fam was homeless or something to make him feel for homeless.

Slick which just so happens to be Coopers friend.

Page 17 I knew right then slick was his father.

Hector and pene, if you took out this subplot.. its would not be noticed. It really doesnt push the main trunk of you story forward.

ugly, inviting random girl to see a surprise? And The girl actually goes? Then she just looks at money? That again just happens for the sake of your story... it is unreal.

Now lets talk about Slick, WHY is he SOO bent for revenge after they find out. It was just pay back for him killing his wife? Yea slick was being slick in doing so, but desmond talks to slick about being a bad guy blah blah, then you have desmond talkin about killin someone personally.

Another scene that is forced, when Slick gets back at desmond after tire is shock out.
That was just out of the blue, there is no real reason you present for slick to suddenly get angry. You have slick question him if he shot some1. If Slick is driving, and des is in the front seat. He can see exactly what desmond sees.

Another thhing. You stated earlier that Slick runs ou after the man. The mans speeds off in a ram camry. Slick fires, but hits nothing. Then later, you got him askin what color the car is, THEN, The camry drives past him with bullets hole in it, when you siad he DIDNT hit anything prior.

Why does Slick and Hector, go after joey in the 1st place? Yea money, but they talk about they do this for a living yet after they killl joey, nothing is ever brought up again about Them going after people for money. Seemed likeit just served the purpose for the seem of joey solely.

You have hector underwater, then a sudden rescue from his girl friend?! This felt straight from Sin city, from Miho tar scene.

All your character are one-dimensional. Nothing is learned. They are the same from beging to the end. I felt slick last words were forced ( again for the sake of the story)
to make him seem changed all of the sudden. Desmond is wishy washy from beginning to the end. from wanting to kill someone, to not, but then he does, then he is mad about it.

dialogue

There is alot of stained, unbelievable dialogue. You have they saying things when they shouldnt, examples.

Slick " he's my son"

Why on earth would Slick just say that to the father of joey. Knowing he killed his son.
So what i mean when i say forced? You did that on purpose to that Tim would go after desmond cuz he is Slick's son.

Some of the dialogue is good, some decent.

Cool

Hector, using slicks  deagle and it jamming. Desmond alil trait, that comes into play.

Overall

I like loud and nasty alil more. Had better structure and alot less unreal conviences.
I think need a good rewrite. I liked the general idea, how you did put things together. To me its need a over haul done.

Please dont get me wrong, I wa hestitent on posting what i really thought in fear of you just thinking all I have to say is negative things and not read anything I offer, But i felt only way we can grow is to take in negative critisism, either agree or dont agree with it.

Its just the thoughts of a person pointing out something you might not have noitced.

                                                                                        Good luck.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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TAnthony
Posted: November 18th, 2006, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for comments JD_OK, little sooner than I expected.


Quoted from JD_OK
Spelling, gramar error everywhere. I noiticed several paragraphs that only had ONE period through out it. Which turns into a run-on sentence. You state a sentence as aquestion yet you end it with "!", instead of "?!"


Yeah I really need to fix those grammatical errors in the re-write.


Quoted from JD_OK
In you action scenes, When things happen, you have it all jumbled up together.


Can you give me an example?


Quoted from JD_OK
You switch back and forth, several times from scenes without indictaing INT. and EXT. Now I understand what you mean, but to be presented in professional form, what you have will not do.


I think I might know what you're talking about, but can you give me an example?


Quoted from JD_OK
When you do, your flash backs, You repeat the ENTIRE SEQUENCE. The reader has already read this, and really doesnt need to fully see it again. You should come back to the like section before your scene cut off from before.


I'm working on that in the re-write.


Quoted from JD_OK
Cooper taking in a strange person off the streets, and You just tell us he is nice guy? WHat makes us believe that? Maybe if smeone in his fam was homeless or something to make him feel for homeless.


I sort of understand where you're coming from on this, but I think Cooper is just taking a chance here, hoping that this guy will be cool.


Quoted from JD_OK
Slick which just so happens to be Coopers friend.


Huh? Is it too far of a reach for these two men to be friends?


Quoted from JD_OK
Now lets talk about Slick, WHY is he SOO bent for revenge after they find out. It was just pay back for him killing his wife? Yea slick was being slick in doing so, but desmond talks to slick about being a bad guy blah blah, then you have desmond talkin about killin someone personally.


Lol, I have no idea what you're trying to say here.


Quoted from JD_OK
Another scene that is forced, when Slick gets back at desmond after tire is shock out. That was just out of the blue, there is no real reason you present for slick to suddenly get angry. You have slick question him if he shot some1. If Slick is driving, and des is in the front seat. He can see exactly what desmond sees.


You don't think that it was real that when Slick's car got shot up, his tire was shot, and that the people he's chasing after are getting away was a good opportunity for him to get a little upset. I dunno, but I'd be a little upset too. And the other question, I don't think Slick can pay attention to the same things Desmond can, because he's trying to dodge bullets, traffic, and what not. That makes it a little harder.


Quoted from JD_OK
Another thhing. You stated earlier that Slick runs ou after the man. The mans speeds off in a ram camry. Slick fires, but hits nothing. Then later, you got him askin what color the car is, THEN, The camry drives past him with bullets hole in it, when you siad he DIDNT hit anything prior.


Thank you! That was a good plot-hole catch. I'll have to fix that up.


Quoted from JD_OK
Why does Slick and Hector, go after joey in the 1st place? Yea money, but they talk about they do this for a living yet after they killl joey, nothing is ever brought up again about Them going after people for money. Seemed likeit just served the purpose for the seem of joey solely.


I didn't want to show the whole back-story on Joey's situation, because that would be a lot of unneccesary exposition.


Quoted from JD_OK
You have hector underwater, then a sudden rescue from his girl friend?! This felt straight from Sin city, from Miho tar scene.


I didn't even think about Sin City for that scene. The only similarities I can get from the two are that both have women saving men who are trapped in liquid. I think I'm okay with that scene.


Quoted from JD_OK
All your character are one-dimensional. Nothing is learned. They are the same from beging to the end. I felt slick last words were forced ( again for the sake of the story) to make him seem changed all of the sudden. Desmond is wishy washy from beginning to the end. from wanting to kill someone, to not, but then he does, then he is mad about it.


You're probably right about this, but when does Desmond ever really want to kill someone? He never did. In the beginning, Desmond wanted to be with his father, and Slick was kind of iffy on the situation. In the end, Desmond doesn't want to have anything to do with his father, and Slick wants to have everything to do with him, but it's too late. So to say that nothing is learned from beginning to end is false. I do see where you're coming from though, I'll make a better point of this.  


Quoted from JD_OK
Slick " he's my son"

Why on earth would Slick just say that to the father of joey. Knowing he killed his son.
So what i mean when i say forced? You did that on purpose to that Tim would go after desmond cuz he is Slick's son.


Yeah, you're right, I'll have to take that out.


Quoted from JD_OK
Please dont get me wrong, I wa hestitent on posting what i really thought in fear of you just thinking all I have to say is negative things and not read anything I offer, But i felt only way we can grow is to take in negative critisism, either agree or dont agree with it.


Yeah I'm glad you posted what you really thought, negative critiques help the story more than positive ones.

Thanks for the review and are you going to send me the re-write of the script you wanted me to review or should I just wait for it to show up on the site?


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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JD_OK
Posted: November 18th, 2006, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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There is quite afew I seen, but here just some that I scrolled to.
top page 56
when cooper chases vicky into bed room ( i rmember that)
middle of page 57. benito, in a mad fury... then you go straight to slick talking.
The dream sequence also, go from knife wiping to car down a high way, without the INT/EXT

Jumbled actions. examples

Bottom of page 85, and page 86.

I forgot to say, I did lke Ugly's character, name to the way he acts. and you did do a good job and describing everything. I can see it what you see because of this. Which is good

And about slick getting angry at desmond, when the tire pops. I meant there is no clear reason for him to take his frustration on demond. Now if desmond accidently shoots their tire own out, then the rest of the anger scene would make sense

Hope these are helpful!

In your rewrite, move everything to active sentence. If you look at professional scripts, most do not have any ING verbs in it.

You will notice this in my revision. Its already updated, just click on link again. Thanks!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (1 edits)
JD_OK  -  November 18th, 2006, 2:37pm
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mgj
Posted: November 25th, 2006, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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As you know I read Loud and Nasty so this provided a good basis of comparison from which to do my review.  As I remember you had alot of good ideas thrown into that script but it was too overdrawn and jumbled in spots.  I can say right off the top that this was much tighter.  

Here are a few thoughts as I went:

Page 4 - It's not clear who's being shot.  I'd reference the person being shot by name.

Page 5 - Desmond seems to agree  a little too easily to go off with Cooper.  I know he's homeless but there needs to be more of a trust factor built up.  Personally I'd take my chances on the streets rather than going off with some stranger like that.  Maybe they could strike up a repore over lunch or something, then have Cooper casually suggest that he could crash over at his place.  This would make more sense, especially if, as you mentioned in a previous post, Cooper was lonely and looking for companionship.

Page 13 - You have it right inserting a header for the start of a dream squence.  I'd just insert an additional one for the end.  Avoid any confusion.

Page 28 - *Spoiler* so Slick is Desmond's dad.  This was an effective turn from a surprise point of view.  Quite a coincidense though if they, indeed, just happened into each other's life.  I'd really rethink this.  This goes back as well to Desmond's meeting with Cooper.  Maybe Desmond could be proactive and seek him out on his own.  Slick's identity could still be a surprise.  Perhaps he knows one of them is his kin but isn't sure which one.  Say, for example, he's traced his father's whereabouts to the home but doesn't which one of them is the owner (nor would we in this senario).

Page 70 - Penelope saving Hector from drowning seemed a little too convienient, not to mention heroic on her part.  I'd rather see Hector free himself on his own somehow.

Page 87 - This is sort of a pet peeve of mine.  Slick seems to carry on pretty well after being shot.  This happens a lot in the movies, I know, so take it for what it's worth.  I'd have him at least stagger around and wince a bit.  Every movie establishes a certain logic or reality that we just accept.  In a gritty movie like this, violence has its consequences so we should see that.  

Overall I liked this one quite a bit more than it's predecessor, mainly because it was much tighter.  I also liked the father/son dynamic.  In fact I might focus more of the story on this.  That to me was the most compelling.  Hector's side-bar with the penelope and Ugly, while amusing, didn't really tie in with the main narrative thread you had going.  I'd suggest eliminating this but a better suggestion might be to combine some of the baddies you have in this story.  Really there is no one main villian here.  Ugly was the most amusing or individual anyway.  Some of the others are pretty much interchangable.

The dialog was solid and consistent throughout.  You have a good grasp of the genre.  At times some of the characters felt a bit indistinguishable to me though, especially with all the cussing and swearing.  I think that's why I liked Slick and Desmond's relationship.  It reveals a different side to these characters that we don't normally expect to see.  


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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TAnthony
Posted: December 1st, 2006, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for review mgj.


Quoted from mgj
Page 5 - Desmond seems to agree  a little too easily to go off with Cooper.  I know he's homeless but there needs to be more of a trust factor built up.  Personally I'd take my chances on the streets rather than going off with some stranger like that.  Maybe they could strike up a repore over lunch or something, then have Cooper casually suggest that he could crash over at his place.  This would make more sense, especially if, as you mentioned in a previous post, Cooper was lonely and looking for companionship.


Yeah you're right. I like that lunch idea.


Quoted from mgj
Page 87 - This is sort of a pet peeve of mine.  Slick seems to carry on pretty well after being shot.  This happens a lot in the movies, I know, so take it for what it's worth.  I'd have him at least stagger around and wince a bit.  Every movie establishes a certain logic or reality that we just accept.  In a gritty movie like this, violence has its consequences so we should see that.


Somebody else mentioned this to me, I really do need to change that. Thanks.


Quoted from mgj
The dialog was solid and consistent throughout.  You have a good grasp of the genre.  At times some of the characters felt a bit indistinguishable to me though, especially with all the cussing and swearing.  I think that's why I liked Slick and Desmond's relationship.  It reveals a different side to these characters that we don't normally expect to see.


In the next draft, I'll definetly cut some of the cussing down so the characters won't seem just a like.

Thanks for the comments mgj.





"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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ALIEN MAN
Posted: December 2nd, 2006, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Tantohy, I just read down and dirty, I loved it so much, the action sequences and the twist at the end with all the dreams and flashbacks SPOILER---------- that came true was really cool. Good job on this one, I like better than loud and nasty


Writing an action movie. EVery other script I was making got deleted and my PC crashed. MY action movie will be completed in about two weeks.
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TAnthony
Posted: December 4th, 2006, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


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Quoted from ALIEN MAN
Tantohy, I just read down and dirty, I loved it so much, the action sequences and the twist at the end with all the dreams and flashbacks SPOILER---------- that came true was really cool. Good job on this one, I like better than loud and nasty


Thanks for the support Alien Man. Glad you liked it.

Thanks.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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