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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Waldo and Claire Moderators: bert
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  Author    Waldo and Claire  (currently 1350 views)
Don
Posted: December 10th, 2006, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Waldo and Claire by Jordan Baker - Action, Drama - At the low point of his career, Waldo Whitman finds himself a companion in the same boots as him. Now they're together the amount of people in their wake shoots up as they're chased by ex-boss's, ex-boyfriend's and federal police. A love story with a hunt, an easily accessible bank vault and an overly suspicious small-town sheriff, ending with guns pointed at everybody. 99 pages - pdf, format


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JD_OK
Posted: December 10th, 2006, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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I popped this open and I already see alot of rookie mistakes.

Remove all, references to the camera and we hear and we see. get rid of this we can not see. You start off tellin a story like out of a book. script is to be written on what can be seen on screen.

read a few scripts in here that have over 30 replies. Those usually are written in correct form and less distracting of a read. Do not get discouraged alot of us made these same mistakes at our first attempts, because we have seen script PRODUCTION scripts with this info on them. WE HOWEVER are writing SPEC scripts, which should not those things inside.

Good luck with your edit.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  December 10th, 2006, 11:14pm
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JordanRD
Posted: December 10th, 2006, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey thanks for the advice and sorry.

But just wondering if there was anything else that you read that you liked. If you just scrapped it after the first couple pages then don't worry but I'm interested to hear if you have anything else to say about what you read and I'll get any of those style things corrected.

Thank you, Jordan.
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JD_OK
Posted: December 10th, 2006, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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No, I didnt actually read the story. Me personally I can't get myself to read past the 'rookie' mistakes. its hard for me to get into the story, when I'm told shoots and stuff.

Also most (some will) not read a story without 1st agreeing with the writer to exchange screenplays for feedback.

however Your opening scene is good to peek interests. But has to be reworded majorly. You start naming off character like we have already be introduce to them. 1St intro of chars needs to be capitalized.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



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JD_OK  -  December 11th, 2006, 6:15pm
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JordanRD
Posted: December 11th, 2006, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Aside from the very first scene which is the first half of a page I don't think I use too many 'we hear', or 'we see'. It's just with that type of scene there that I needed it to be short and sweet and just there. I don't really introduce those characters at that time because they get introduced later and that whole scene comes back and gets detailed later. Otherwise all the characters are capped with their intros and those characters that are in that first scene all get intros later and are then capped, but I understand that, that might be more unconventional.

But thanks anyways.
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