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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Silent Rain Moderators: bert
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  Author    Silent Rain  (currently 2015 views)
Posted: December 30th, 2006, 10:04am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Silent Rain by Joey Pardue (jp345) - Adventure - This is an adventure/multiple character study set in a futuristic vision of the united states in which more than three quarters of the country has been destroyed by natural disaster. 82 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: January 12th, 2007, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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My UZI Weighs A Ton

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Hi Joey,

Just started reading your script - I am about ten pages into it - and already I have to force myself to keep reading. Here's why:


In the opening scene you tell us that the US was ravaged by natural disasters. What kind of natural disasters? 42 states left uninhabitable. How? You have to be much more specific here, you have to show us what has happened and how. Two lines just isn't enough. Why did the remaining states devide into two territories? And what are they fighting for? Just more territory? Why? What's so great about Indianna or Nebraska that you want to go to war with your compatriots over it? More info please.

Inkyohm and Neilam...? Are you kidding? Surely you can come up with names that mean something. I understand you have taken letters from each state to form the name but it would be better if the names were actually real words, like The League of blah blah etc.

I believe the border between Illinois and Indianna is just under 300 miles long so a giant wall between the two states seems somewhat unrealistic. Especially since it takes about a day to climb from one side to the other, which would make it a very, very high wall. What's the wall made of? Wood? Rock? And how long do you suppose it takes to build such a wall. 5 years? 10? 20?

Chandler climbs the wall only to be arrested the moment he sets foot on the other side. That seems pretty dumb, considering that he picks a random place to climb a wall that's 300 miles long. That's one hell of a watch force the other side have.

Eli chops the hand off a criminal using nothing more than a playing card. Are you suggesting that a piece of coated paper can cut clean through skin, tissue and bone? I really hope you'll rewrite that scene.

Don't forget to have one of the characters mention that Robert is Eli's brother. If you put what's in the script up on the screen as is, nobody will know that the two men are brothers.

There are both spelling and format errors both I won't go in to them now.

I'm not a 100 percent certain that I'll finish reading this script.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Posted: January 15th, 2007, 11:57pm Report to Moderator

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Thank you sniper, I had been working on this script for a long time and I guess I had been completely ignoring those unrealistic bits, so thanks a lot for pointing them out .

Anyways,  I know only one person has read this, but I fixed a lot of things in it that needed fixing and I think it‘s a lot if your interested in reading a much better version, what I may even call a final draft, here’s the link to it:

Since I'm 17 and this is my first full length script, feedback and criticism would be appreciated,  thanks.
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Posted: January 16th, 2007, 1:19am Report to Moderator

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Well, the link I posted to the script doesn't work because I don't really know how to link to PDF files...but if you really want to read it, go to and go to the sixth page of published screenplays and click on Bloodflowers...
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Posted: February 10th, 2007, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Joey

I've only read the first 6 pages of your script and already i think it's awsome.  The added details really made it interesting and more easier to follow. I'am really looking forward to seeing this movie.

Also i'm very intersted in becoming a screenwriter myself, and i was wodering if u had any advice u can give me that would help me in writing good scripts or that would help me in the future.
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