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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Beaten Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 11th, 2007, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Beaten by Arturo (enigmawriter) - Action - Bruise and Redd seek vengeance on the people who brutally killed their sister. 91 pages - doc, format


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Heretic
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Page 1: Don't write stuff we can't see ("more violence ahead, in other words").  I can see you're trying to establish the scene well but I think your description is excessive.  I'd cut it back a bit, personally.

Page 2: Again, don't write stuff we can't see.

Page 6: Looking back over what was accomplished, I think the torture at the end is a little drawn out.  I'd cut down on the tough guy talk from our main characters, personally.

Page 7: "Redd pulls the trigger of his .45 forcing the bullet to impale itself into Victor's neck...."  Things like this are unnecessary.  "Redd shoot Victor in the neck" is fine.  If you wanna describe the gore, "Redd's finger closes around the trigger and Victor's neck explodes in vermilion" still seems less wordy to me.

Page 8: "...supposed to shoot him not partner up with him." This exposition seems a little strong to me.  I don't think it's even necessary that we be given that much information yet, personally.

Page 14: See?  That's much more natural.  "Bruise partnered up with Redd."  Easy enough.

I'm going to stop reading, and I'll tell you why.  We have a lot of blood and violence and profanity here, but there's absolutely no character interest.  I was on page 16 and we hadn't even seen our protagonists again!  The only time we do see our protagonists is when they brutally torture and kill a man, which they haven't even been given motivation for yet.  At this point I don't know what's going on, I don't like any of the characters, and essentially, there's nothing to keep me reading.

I don't mean any of this harshly, but I'm trying to highlight what I think is a major flaw in the script.  What I'd like to see is much stronger motivation for Redd and Bruise, coupled with a lot more of them and a lot less of the bad guys in the start of the script.  We should know them inside out near the start, or if not, we should at least like them enough to worry that they're in trouble.  When you start, Redd and Bruise are not only the instigating forces of the script (it's harder to identify with the protagonist for me if they're instigating at the start...Lew Hunter tells us that about page 60 is when the character stops reacting and starts acting), but they're vicious murderers.  If we're going to start like this, I need to QUICKLY find out why, and it better be a damn good reason.


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Enigmawriter
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Heretic.  I appreciate your thoughts and recommendations to the script.  This is my first rough draft, and there is plenty more drafts for this thing.  


It's all in the reflexes!
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Heretic
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Glad to hear it.  Let me know when you post another one.


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Enigmawriter
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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Of course.  


It's all in the reflexes!
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