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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Breakout Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 29th, 2007, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Breakout by William Phelps - Action - Accused of armed robbery and murder, James Reeves is sent to Walberg Prison where it's run by the bossy commissioner, Emily Lane. No one has ever escaped from Walberg Prison, and no one will ever will, but is that a fact? Reeves plans on breaking out, with the help of Chris Stewart, but something seems wrong about Stewart. Reeves plans to reunite with his wife, Kate Reeves, and his sister Linda Reeves, and to get revenge on the one who put him in this hellhole, the mobster Steven Goreman. But will they escape successfully? Where will they go if they breakout? What would YOU do to be free? 87 pages - rtf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  July 1st, 2007, 10:38am
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alffy
Posted: July 1st, 2007, 8:22am Report to Moderator
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Wow you got bored reading after 1 page of a 4 pager, oh hang on this is not a 4 pager!  Having opened it to give it a quick read I notice there's a lot more than 4 pages.

Unfortunately I haven't the time now but just a quick note, you don't need to capitalise character names after you've first introduced them.

Also does Emily call the guards in, Carl and Mike?  If so then have them speak as Carl and Mike and not Guard #1 and #2.


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krisg
Posted: July 10th, 2007, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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Yes I'm in the same boat as Alffy here, it's certainly not a short.

In the 11 or so pages I got through so far:

- Capitalised names (already mentioned above).

- A few punctuation errors - double full stops in particular.

- When you talk about a commissioner it's lower case 'c', when you give the title and name it's an upper case 'C': Commissioner Emily Lane.

- I'm uncomfortable with the dialogue from the commissioner - read it aloud, it doesn't sound like someone who is a commissioner - perhaps it needs to be more punchy.

- This is US based, the name James Reeves just doesn't sound like a leading man and it doesn't sound entirely American.

- Check the legality of a Commissioner ripping a badge from a uniformed officer - I don't think they can do it. They can threaten, "I'll have your badge."


Other than these minor points it jogs along quite nicely and i'm interested to see where it's going to go.

kris


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