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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Smokin' Guns Moderators: bert
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  Author    Smokin' Guns  (currently 2331 views)
Don
Posted: September 29th, 2007, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Smokin' Guns by Kenneth Dyson - Action, Adventure - A man goes after two powerful crime families that are trying to kill him for a job he screwed up on. 94 pages - rtf, format


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NW3
Posted: October 3rd, 2007, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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I thought from the summary this might be an interesting take on A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS (Sergio Leone is given several mentions), but to my mind it is little more than pornography for gun fetishists. Flashy and pointless: guns and more guns, swearing, torture, more swearing, more guns. They pick up weapons and discard them so often, describing each shiny toy becomes like a kid in a candy shop. I sincerely hope you don't have access to guns in real life, Kenneth, because this level of interest is unhealthy; when they get to Johnny's World of Guns an orgy of description takes hold. Perhaps write an article for a gun magazine, because none of this belongs in a film script. To any normal moviegoer a gun is a gun, it only matters who uses it to do what, and why. It's fine if there is something a specific weapon does that another cannot, and a character needs that very model to do whatever it is that needs doing, but all any gun in this script does is blast the next person to pieces. None of the many who get killed die for any good reason, and it's not a good reason to declare one of your characters a child molester simply to justify cutting off his fingers and feeding him his own penis.

Love of weaponry and gory violence seems the only reason this was written; there is only the thinnest plotline to string together endless gunplay. Too many beatings and killings have nothing to do with anything. Did the three bank guards on page one have wives waiting at home? Elderly relatives to support? Kids needing collection from soccer practice? Pets to feed, scratching at the door day after day wondering why their master has abandoned them? I expect you think it doesn't matter, you've created these people and you can kill them instantly with hollow point rounds because it sounds cool, but you ought to take responsibility for the effect of violence on impressionable minds, as so much has plainly affected yours (e.g. the Shaw brothers). Instead of making your script exciting and interesting, for me the procession of shootings has the opposite effect; once you've described one man getting his brains blown out there is nowhere to go, yet we go there over and over. Find a story first, add violence after, if needed. Read KILL BILL again.

I'd like to suggest something to help make the effort you have put in worthwhile, since I can't see this going anywhere as it stands. I'm guessing regular criticism will go unheeded, as the overall competent format shows you know the form well enough but have decided to do things your own way. Still, if there is anything to be taken from this, I'd cut all bold/italicized sound effects and needless direction (I've seen no other script where the writer detailed the credit sequence), and definitely avoid reader-only description. Why the travelog blizzard of stats on the El, for example? Lose 80% of the violence, 90% of the swearing, and let the story breathe. You start with a bank heist so bring it and the aftermath back center stage, not that dim plot point about a botched hit. At least get it proofed, it is sometimes unintelligible ("spots starring at him"), though I like the idea of someone being "gang rapped". You need to change Mercedes to Sofia a few times, although it doesn't really matter since her character is only tagging along as another pair of hands so you get twice as many guns to describe. The concept of everyone driving classic cars is interesting, it might set the story world as dark fantasy, but even so this is sordid, dispiriting stuff.

Not because I didn't like it, but because I can't imagine anyone could, try to take some of this on board. Good luck.
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28weeks2die
Posted: October 3rd, 2007, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't know that my story was like A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS, cool.  But anyway, "pornography for gun fetishists" that's a cool way to describe my work, I like it.  Pretty much everything you said is what I was really going for.  I mean, I love guns, I don't own one, cause I'm not 21 yet, but I would love to have one.  And it's not unhealthy, it's not like I'm gonna go out and shoot someone for no reason; that's for the crazies.  Now I like knowing who has what kind of gun, lots of writers name the gun the person or perosons are using.  I did however changed fixed the bank guard thing, not because of the crap you said, it's because there's no way a judge would give bank robbers two years for killing two men.  I write it the way I wanted to write, cause I'm not writing for a studio, I'm not writing for a producer, I'm writing it for me.  Even though a few days ago this woman found "Smokin' Guns" on this site and wanted me to send her a hardcopy.  She and 4 other partners opened up two film studios and saw something in my script they liked.  But as always I don't care what anybody says.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
28weeks2die  -  October 4th, 2007, 12:04pm
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Elmer
Posted: October 4th, 2007, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from 28weeks2die
But as always I don't care what anybody says.


*sigh* You know what 28weeks2die? On this site, every so often, a complete imbecile will sign up, post a script, and then freak when it doesn't get a good review and say he doesn't care what anyone's opinion is.

You write for you and don't care what anyone says and yet you post it on a freaking community of writers and READERS. The purpose of this board is to give and get read and reviewed. Well, 28weeks, I have to say that the time has come for yet another imbecile to sign up and that imbecile is you.

If you don't care what other people think, please remove your script so no one else wastes their time reading your script. Because there are many other scripts around here that deserve their attention.

-Chris


"A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." -Thomas Mann

http://www.wordswithlandon.com
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captainron47
Posted: October 5th, 2007, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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It's  odd. You can print a copy right from the computer yet this lady asks you for a hard copy.  She also opens up two studios.  Wow you are a lucky guy.  Oh, by the way, I CALL BULLSHIT.
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relentless1
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Wow. That's a mess. Sorry, but I didn't, no, couldn't make it past the second page.
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lawrence gilliam
Posted: November 13th, 2007, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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People have already given you reviews and i understand some was wondering are you going to rewrite it give desciptions of the bank robbers futhermore anybody.

I would like to finish are you going to clean it up i love action.


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TestamenT
Posted: November 25th, 2007, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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hell, i'd watch this movie, i know a whole lotta people that would watch this. this is a shoot 'em up, a movie about violence for th sake of violence, a cult classic type movie. though your above comments make you out to be an ass, and the whole two studio thing is incredibly hard to believe; (if it is true hook me up will ya?) this could make a decent movie. i do agree that the story could be a bit more cohesive. i say drop the whole bank robbery and just focus on the hit gone bad.


coming soon:INGEAR
out now:The Victorious Dead
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Kamran Nikhad
Posted: December 5th, 2007, 2:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from 28weeks2die
I write it the way I wanted to write, cause I'm not writing for a studio, I'm not writing for a producer, I'm writing it for me.  Even though a few days ago this woman found "Smokin' Guns" on this site and wanted me to send her a hardcopy.  She and 4 other partners opened up two film studios and saw something in my script they liked.  But as always I don't care what anybody says.


That little passage right there is the exact reason you don't belong here.  What the hell is the purpose of you posting your scripts here if you don't give a rat's ass what your peers have to say.  As for this:  "I write it the way I wanted to write, I'm writing for me."

Haha, Hal Ackerman had a saying for screenwriters like you, "Amateur writers write for themselves, but professionals write for everyone else."  Who the hell do you think your screenplay is for?  The AUDIENCE.  And if you're feeding them mindless dribble, which is all I see after 8 pages.  If you're writing for yourself and not willing to make change, then I'm very sorry to say this, then you REALLY picked the wrong occupation.


Quoted Text
It's  odd. You can print a copy right from the computer yet this lady asks you for a hard copy.  She also opens up two studios.  Wow you are a lucky guy.  Oh, by the way, I CALL bulls*** .


I also call bulls***, because there is no way someone is interested in producing what is OBVIOUSLY a first draft.


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf
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dogglebe
Posted: December 5th, 2007, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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I just want to point out that Kenneth has three (count 'em, three) scripts on these boards in the four months that he's been here and he has yet to review anyone's scripts.  Given this, and the fact that he doesn't care what people think, I don't see why anyone is looking at his stuff.


Phil
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slabstaa
Posted: December 5th, 2007, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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I like the idea of having a description for a street person's car or gun, it gives them personality.  But, my favorite part is this:


Quoted Text
Tommy tucks his Smith & Wesson in the back of his pants.  He walks over to the dead wops and searches them.


I'm Italian myself and I still laughed at that.  It's just..idk.. kinda insulting but not.  I don't know what word I could use for it.  I mean having a character refer to another character like that is different, but including it in the action is just ridiculous.
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28weeks2die
Posted: December 10th, 2007, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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I would like to thank TestamenT for the comment, at least there's one person out there that loves the shoot 'em up type flicks, and yes I have started a re-write. As for the studio rumor, it is true, but I had the lady look at a different script, a horror spec script, after a 3 months of waiting, she and her people said that she would not go forward with it. Her name is Krystal Vayda, she has a myspace account, that's my proof. But right now, I'm gonna try inktip.com again, I'm gonna post my horror spec script, $50.00 bucks.
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Michael Myers
Posted: January 26th, 2008, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from NW3
I thought from the summary this might be an interesting take on A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS (Sergio Leone is given several mentions), but to my mind it is little more than pornography for gun fetishists.


I'm right there with you. I thought the exact same thing.
Also, for some reason... I expected this to be kind of like Vanishing Point from the name of the title. Maybe It's just me, though. I probibly am the youngest here.
I did really like this script, though.
I really do like action movies and this is the first action script I've ever read. So, I thought this was very good and am hoping this gets made into a movie, I liked it that much.  


http://www.youtube.com/reddragonproductions

COMPLETE: "Rose Haven"
WRITING: Modern Western
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bwdial
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First off, is the bank robbery at the beginning of this set in the 1950s?  I assume it is since the cops are driving 1955 Fords.  If so, a person with a gun fetish would know that Glocks wouldn't have existed since the company wasn't founded until the early 1960s.  And, at that time they manufactured other things and didn't start manufacturing sidearms until the 1970s.  Nor would a bank have video cameras in the 1950s.
Beyond that, it just seemed like a cheap rip-off of Smokin' Aces... right down to the spinning card.  Try cutting out some of the f-bombs.  They are simply gratuitous.  There's also way too much description of setting.
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