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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Con Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 28th, 2007, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Con by D.C. Stewart - Action - After a New York City newspaper reporter does a report on up and coming business men in the city, she soon discovers that one of them is literally printing money. 126 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Hoody
Posted: October 30th, 2007, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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I find shooting scripts annoying to read...especially this one.

First of all, I only read about 5 pages.  I don't know if i could read the entire thing.  But I'm going to give you a couple pointers to help you so that you can put a script on here that I would be willing to read.

Post a spec rather than a shooting script.  Maybe I'm just picky like that, but those scene number started to get annoying fast...and there were a lot of them.

I don't understand why you were capping their names in the dialogue.  I scrolled down to around page 60 and you were capping street names and just random words.  Normally when you cap something in dialogue, it's meant to be shouted or empasized and I don't think that's what you were going for.  Also, in the action paragraphs, you capatilze only some of the characters names.  I'm fine with that, but it's either all or nothing.  You either cap all of their names or none of their names.

Most, if not all, of you dialogue seems forced and unreal.  When you write dialogue, it's best to say it out loud and if it doesn't sounds real you gotta rewrite it until it does.  Most of it is also to on the nose and expositional(Scooby Doo talk).

I noticed a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes and that was just picking a random page and checking.

Also, too many close-ups.  Again, I know it's a shooting script, but I've read hundreds of shooting scripts that avoided using close-ups and whatnot, but still implied that there would be one.

I can't believe this is a shooting script.  I wouldn't even send out a spec with this many mistakes.

Sorry to say all this.  But this is what you need to hear to make you a better writer.


Please, read Elvis The Goat or Cold Turkey.  Thanks in advance and I'll make sure to review your script in exchange.
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dstewartx
Posted: October 31st, 2007, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hoody,

Think about it Hoody, it is almost impossible to make it into this  business writing scripts. I have talked to people face to face here in Austin and by email in the business and they tell me it is hard enough just to stay in the business. CAN I JUST WRITE A SILLY SCREENPLAY THE WAY I WANT TO AND JUST SHOOT IT THE WAY I WANT TO WITHOUT SOME IVY LEAGUE ELITE TELLING ME HOW IT IS SUPPOSE TO BE DONE?

Read my CSI: MIAMI script if you want to know if know how to write scripts. As for the scooby doo talk, the screenplay was written that way on purpose. This is not for spec script. The CAPs or there because I replaced some words and cap them to know which ones I replaced. The "shooting script" numbered scenes are there because I have a 35mm movie camera and I am already shooting the  screenplay. The dialog was written that way on purpose because it was not meant as a serious movie but more in the genre of the movies Martin Lawrences "National Security" or maybe a cheap ION tv channel movie of the week. This script is written in Paramount format...not entirely correct. The grammer mistakes will not be corrected because it will not be a spec script. It is a script I am already shooting. The general public really doesnt care if the dialog is forced or not. If you are on here trying to get a script bought or shot by the studios, you will have a better chance winning the lotto because there are a lot of folks on here with MBA's and PHD's in writing - that are not getting reconized. If the studio's like your work they will buy it if it were written on toliet paper or even by an illiterate on tolite paper. I'm not going to waste my time trying to write something grammer mistake free and proper format when it is not going to be a spec script. If I were going to do that I would just send it to a professional service that specializes in that sort of thing. The story sucks...sure it does but it's a good practice shoot for me. People like you are wasting time thinking the grammar and format is going to make you are break you. If they dig it then they will let you know. This screenplay is going to stay the way it is period.

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dstewartx  -  October 31st, 2007, 4:28pm
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Seth
Posted: October 31st, 2007, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dstewartx
. I'm not going to waste my time trying to write something grammer mistake free and proper format when it is not going to be a spec script. If I were going to do that I would just send it to a professional service that specializes in that sort of thing.

It's obvious that you haven't any real interest in improving as a writer. That said, why not hire a ghost writer, too?   That way, you needn't worry about rewrites.

There are, I'm sure, at least a couple of persons on these boards who, for a price, would punch up your script. It wouldn't be cheap, but given that you're able to shoot feature length scripts, that you acknowledge suck, on 35mm film, which is unimaginably expensive, I'm sure you can afford it.

Just a little friendly advice,

Seth


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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dstewartx
Posted: October 31st, 2007, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Seth,

Ghost writer sounds like a good idea...these screenplays are very hard to write and a ghost writer would save me the time and headache.
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Hoody
Posted: October 31st, 2007, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, first of all, the best thing would of been to post immediately explaining your reason for writing the script.  You just left it up to me to assume that this was a serious attempt at writing a script that you were hoping to have read.

I hope you don't think I'm "SOME IVY LEAGUE ELITE"?  The reason I said all that was because I thought you were being serious and wanted some serious feedback.  I know I would.

And about the grammar mistakes: In life, it is expected of you to deliver your best work.  I mean, would you hand in an essay with this many mistakes?  If you were writing the script for you and your friends to read and get a kick out of it, that's fine...but you posted it on here, so you must of wanted some serious feedback.  Well, you got it and you didn't even appreciate it.  

I'm all for defending your scripts and your ideas, but saying you don't care about showing your best work, or going on about how hard the screenwriting business is, is not a good defensive statement.

If you're willing to go back and fix some errors and listen to some of my suggestions, then I'd love to read that draft.  But if you're just going to disregard everything I said before, then there's no point in me even reading the script.

And about the ghostwriter thing: if you're too lazy to write and fix your mistakes, then there's no way in hell you stand a chance in the screenwriting business.

That's the truth.  I hope it's what you wanted to hear.


Please, read Elvis The Goat or Cold Turkey.  Thanks in advance and I'll make sure to review your script in exchange.
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dstewartx
Posted: October 31st, 2007, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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I am not going to do anything else with the script. It's complete but thanks for your advice.
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James Carlette
Posted: November 1st, 2007, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
People like you are wasting time thinking the grammar and format is going to make you are break you. If they dig it then they will let you know.


Only if they actually read it.




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bert
Posted: November 1st, 2007, 7:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dstewartx
The story sucks...sure it does but it's a good practice shoot for me.


I glanced through this out of curiosity.  Since you are not interested in what I might have liked or disliked, I will not waste your time with such trivia.

But, wow....

You are shooting a feature -- in New York -- with tons of locations -- and yachts and multiple helicopters -- and a story that you think sucks --

...for practice???

Did I read that right?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Souter Fell
Posted: November 1st, 2007, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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I'm just confused why you posted it here if you have no intention of paying any regard to anyone's feedback.


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dstewartx
Posted: November 1st, 2007, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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I appoligise for my past statements. I would like feedback on the script. To clear up what the board moderator and Souter Fell stated...I do want feedback. I am just saying that I proably will not be able to make any big changes to the script thats all. One person wanted me to expand on the love story aspect of it but I will be too much additional writing. But I appretieate all of your feedback.
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sniper
Posted: November 2nd, 2007, 3:43am Report to Moderator
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If you really want feedback go to the review exchange board or review some scripts here yourself.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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