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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Made of Stone Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 27th, 2008, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Made of Stone by Paul Wilkins - Action - Kikill Avdil wants what everybody wants, A nice house, car, money, and the girl of his dreams.. only Kikill has to fight to get them. When Kikill steals a car and leaves the owner for dead, it soon becomes clear that the owner of the car is the local kingpin of the area. This encounter sparks a chain reaction of events involving betrayal, loyalty, love and Murder. Now that he's a marked man, Kikill's drawn into the violent, gritty underworld of Manchester England and has to fight his way out of it. Kikill soon realises that every action.. has a reaction. 102 pages - doc, format


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bwdial
Posted: May 9th, 2008, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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A couple of things...

First off, I feel like there's way too much dialogue.  Characters are laying too much information out.  I love writing dialogue, but trust me, when you cut it down to the bare bones, it reads much better.  For instance, in the opening scene, the characters are saying too much.  A simple "Phone the cops." will do.

Secondly, I'd consider keeping John and Michael out of the loop.  Maybe they don't know who this guy is, either.  If Kikill doesn't, it stands to reason that they wouldn't.

Lastly, it seems like it's happening in a vacuum.  I mean, Kikill knocks this guy Raji out in broad daylight, steals his gun, money and car and no one notices?  And, I'd think this guy would have bodyguards with him.  This is more of a plausibility issue for me.
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