Ragman: The Tatterdemalion Defender by Jeremy S. Noe - Action - Rory Regan returned from Vietnam to The Dregs, Gothams notorious ghetto district. There he helps his elderly father run Rags 'N' Tatters Junk & Pawn, their small family business. As the years pass, Rory is continually haunted by nightmares of his time in the jungles of Vietnam. Years later, a ruthless real estate mogul attempts to tear the ghetto apart by enlisting the aid of two deadly gangs, though he manipulates them into waging all out against the other. However, Rory doesn't know that his father is being pressed into allowing thugs to operate a drug business from their store, but refusing them ends with the inevitable. New dreams plague Rory and he learns that he is to be Gothams new avenger, when he finds a suit powered by long dead souls. When he dons it, he becomes The Ragman!  110 pages - pdf, format

Hey all, this is the second time I've had this script on the site. It's an adaption of the DC Comic character that first appeared in the DC canon back in the 70s, and then retconned in the 90s. My script follows the 90s version. It's my first work so it's a bit rough. I had it taken down for a couple of months while I tweaked it. For those of you that read it the first time, you've probably noticed the changes that I made.

Please give it a gander and let me know what you think. Let me know what scenes you liked best, who your favorite characters are, etc. Negative feedback is welcomed also. I used the critiques from the first time it was up and I think it's a tighter script now.

Thanks,

Jerry

Hi Jeremy,

I read up to pg 10 of your script, and wonder if I could comment on some aspects?

The first thing I noticed was the eloquent description.  You write like a novelist.  Great description, you have a director's eye.  I could see the mangled street in Vietnam, man I was right there with the soldier.     And Rory's flat - you describe every detail, the street it sits in and even the bathroom and how small it is.  For script writing though, I'd say you have to be ruthless in your description and cut it down.    Do we really need to know how small the bathroom is, or whether he has DVD's in his bedroom?  

The Vietnam scenes had me a little confused.  The scene appears to be in Soldier 1's POV - and it's Regan that's dying.  But then, Regan stands up and calls Soldier 1 Rory, so, is Rory dreaming about his own death?    And since there's only two of 'em, it wouldn't hurt to give Soldier 1 a name I reckon.  Something throwaway - Tom, or Jim...  

Your characters:  I like Rory and Gerry.  Nice Father/Son relationship there.  But, if Rory is your main character, I need more information on the man.  For instance, I waited till pg 7 to find out he was in Vietman 30 yrs ago...did a bit of mental arithmetic (never a good thing) and worked out he must be mid 50's.   Hey, guys in their mid 50's can be kickass, don't get me wrong....but what does he look like?  Is he short, stocky built, or tall and wirey, like his Dad?   Gerry gets a nice description, so perhaps a bit of TLC for Rory needed there.      I just wanted to picture him, identify with him, get interested in him, since he's the hero.   But just a line, nothing more than that.  

You write that Rory, 'uses his hands' to check for wounds.  And Gerry, 'uses his finger' to push back his glasses.  Hey, man!  What else are they going to use?  It's like saying, 'they used their feet to run away'.   All that could be cut.  You're director eye is unforgiving there, in that, there is a certain amount you would be expected to leave to an actor.  Actors would hopefully incorporate their characters little habits and foibles into each scene, and wouldn't expect to have to obey such intricate directions from the writer, UNLESS it was pivotal to the story, ie, he rubs his neck when he lies, and his father knows that.

I also thought your dialogue was a bit 'on the nose' - for instance Gerry talks like a Shaolin Monk dispensing wisdom to his little Grasshopper. (OK, that's a reference to a Kung Fu series from the 70's. How old am I?)

Vorst and One Shot are the baddies.  Got that straight away.  Again, if you were writing a book, you'd say that Vorst was a little afraid of One Shot.  But with script, you would SHOW that Vorst is afraid.  So, an example of the conversation in Pg 10 could be something like this:

                                   Vorst
                       (Breaks eye contact)

                    Hey, I've done this before man.
                    (beat)  
                    I mean...I know a good target when
                    I see one.  It'll be cool.  

                                     One Shot
                                    
                     Better be.  

So, I'm reading to pg 10, like any producer would do...now it's possible you are only writing for pleasure and if that's so, then good on you.  But, if you're looking to submit this piece one day, I'd try to get more action in on the first 10 pages, and you could do that quickly by just cutting down on your descriptions.  I dunno, you could maybe introduce Gerry being threatened by Vorst and One Shot, in the moment it takes Rory to get up out of bed...  He seems flustered and agitated when Rory first finds him, but he brushes off Rory's concern and dashes out on his rounds...

I'll stop now.  I hope you find my comments of use.  I don't really like the DC comic characters but I enjoyed your script.  It's a good read.  You are a writer.    
    

Thanks for commenting Sassy! You're right about my tendency to over describe things. The first time I had the script up, the descriptions in certain scenes were even more detailed. That was the number one critique of those who read the script and commented. I took about a week of reading and re-reading the script and shortened some descriptions and even deleted a couple of scenes. Guess I'll spend some more time reading through it again and see where I can make some additional changes.

For some reason, I never really thought I needed to describe Rory to the degree that I did his father, but since you brought it up, I can see where I need to do just that!

As for writing like a novelist, that's because as a teen I used to write short stories and novellas. Old habits die hard. I hope that you finish it and comment again. I'd like to know what scenes you feel are written the best and who you're favorite characters are and why, etc. The more feedback the better!

Thanks again,

Jerry

As a comic collector and uber fan, I'm a purest. It miffs me when the studios deviate from character origins. An example would be the first Spider-Man film. The character of Peter Parker uses his genius in the comics to develop a specific fluid that he uses in devices he calls his "web shooters."

In the film, the writers made this a natural ability as a result of the radioactive spider bite. It does fit, but what it doesn't do is follow that particular element of the original story. Spider-Man was a good film, don't get me wrong, but the character of Rory Regan I wanted to keep age appropriate.

I had toyed with the idea of updating it by making Rory a vet of the first Gulf War, but decided against it. I suppose I could still do that. What do you think?

The Batman!  And the Justice league, holy twisted screenplay, jerrynoe....anyway, i really like your writing.  you are good at descriptions and very good at dialog, which is a very good thing for any writer. i'm not all up to date on comics (i personally did not like the dark knight mivie so much) but this does seem more "pure" and fun than dark knight, imo. i like your characters and everything, but i don't know this ragman comic or anything.  and i can't imagine how many jewish people like superheroes (paging adrien brody for ragman casting call) besides myself.  superheroes should really be mythic symbols of things, and i'm sorry, but there wasn't enough kabbala references or other inventive ideas to keep it constantly interesting.

also, the whole batman scene at the end was well done, but it's been done with the joker at the end of batman begins.  i think your writing is really good, but you can probably do something more original even better.

Thanks Yorkshireladdy! I debated on whether or not to put the scene with Batman in at the end. One of the critiques I had from the first time it was up was that because it was in Gotham, there was no mention of Batman. In the original story line, Batman went after The Ragman. There was a confrontation, but Batman realized what The Ragman was really trying to do and helped him overcome his rage and not give into the suit. In DC continuity, The Ragman pops in every once in a while. I don't remember the issue numbers off hand, but he's been back several times.

Another critique that I had was the age of the hero. Many people mentioned that the Character of Rory Regan is in his mid fifties. That's true. I kept him as a Vietnam vet. I toyed with the idea of making him a Gulf War vet, but thought against it. I wanted to keep it as close to the original story as I could.

As for referrencing the Kabbalah more, I'll think about it. I just sent in a third draft about 4 days ago so it will be up soon. I'd like to delve a little deeper into the Golem character as well.

Thanks again for critiquing!

The new draft is up with a new title. I hope this one reads a little better. It's still a work in progress so what ever feedback I can get from y'all is much appreciated!