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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Last Metropolis Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Last Metropolis  (currently 1406 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2009, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Last Metropolis by Andrew Albert (redeemer) - Action/Adventure - A young superhero struggles to piece his life together in the ruins of a world destroyed by his mentor, former hero, Captain Alpha. 112 pages - pdf, format


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eX_Vesper
Posted: October 25th, 2009, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS


Well, first things first, I learned a new word by reading your script.

Code

ramˇshackˇle  (rmshkl)
adj.
So poorly constructed or kept up that disintegration is likely; rickety: 
"a ramshackle cabin in the woods."



Secondly, I like the overall feel, what with the whole "superhero apocalypse" angle. I find the dialogue to be kind of awkward when Deus first meets the THREE HUNTERS, especially the moment between Jade and Deus at the gas station.

Page 17:
Code

         HUNTER
     Plummeted.


I know what he's saying there (the gas pump is empty), but no one would say it like that. Perhaps, "Shit! Empty," or, "Dry."

Page 23, during the flashback:
Code

         MARY
     Honey, what are you doing so far
     from the picnic?


I don't think a mother would ask it that way. She'd be more like, "Come on honey, your food's getting cold..." I've noticed a little too much on-the-nose dialogue, as if each dialogue cue is meant to reveal some kind of detail or plot point. Let the characters relax a bit and let them exist within the world you've created for them. Make them react to the events within this world as their characterizations dictate.

Page 60:
"The roof starts caving it."
Should be "in," shouldn't it?

Alright, around page 65-67 it seems Omega Woman is now "snapped out" of her stupor? I'm not really sure. It isn't quite clear.

Page 68:
I think Wiseman's reaction to seeing Deus -- a man who nearly beat him to death -- is way too low-key.

Soon after this I start to see the character HUNTER as being played by the actor Adam Baldwin. Is that who you had in mind?




Alright, finished it. Man, I loved it. There are a lot of good ideas in there. I like how you basically melded the "Zombie Apocalypse" genre with the "Superhero" genre, and I think it succeeded.

From here, I think it needs 2 more drafts. Let this baby sit, go write another screenplay, then come back to this one. Sit down then and write another draft for story/description/formatting. This has a few formatting things that need looked at, for instance --

BLACK OUT should be FADE OUT.
A FADE OUT in the middle of a script should consequently have a FADE IN for the next scene or something to tell us the screen is no longer black.
Subsequent Scene Headers within the same Sequence should have "-CONTINUOUS" in them, instead of rehashing the daytime each time.

Go through and decide which verbs are ACTION VERBS and re-write them from Present Continuous ("He is flying...") to Simple Present ("He flies..."). This makes the action more immediate to the reader.

Then write another draft, focusing on dialogue, because there is a lot of awkward dialogue in this one. Ask someone you trust -- a friend or family member -- to look over the script to give you criticism specifically about the dialogue. Ask them how they would speak in these certain situations in the script. Try to smooth out the dialogue to be less clunky.

Anyway, that's it. A fun script with great ideas. The execution just needs worked on. I'd give it a solid 4.0/5 for story, but only a 2.5/5 for execution. Keep at it, m8!

Revision History (1 edits)
eX_Vesper  -  October 25th, 2009, 3:13pm
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Redeemer
Posted: October 25th, 2009, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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i'll break them down, no mercy shown

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Wow, they got it up already! Great.

As I mentioned in the WIP thread, this was written initially as a response to Warner Brothers wanting to make a "dark" Superman movie, a notion that I find overwhelmingly ridiculous. When I started thinking about it in terms of original characters (or should I say "original" characters, since there are clear Superman and Wonder Woman analogues in the script) a story sort of developed on its own.

Thanks for your feedback, eX. Regarding the dialogue, I suppose I tried to make it as succinct as I could, perhaps to a fault.
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eX_Vesper
Posted: October 25th, 2009, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Redeemer, take a re-read of my post -- I added a lot more thoughts and comments. Cheers!
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Redeemer
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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i'll break them down, no mercy shown

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Hey eX, thank you again for taking the time to read and critique it. So appreciated, you have no idea. I agree with you for the most part about the dialogue. I tried to go for something a little dramatic and stylized, but I guess it reads as clunky and tin-eared. I'll pay particular attention to it in subsequent rewrites.

Spoilers below


Quoted from eX_Vesper
Alright, around page 65-67 it seems Omega Woman is now "snapped out" of her stupor? I'm not really sure. It isn't quite clear.


No, she doesn't snap out of her stupor until she attacks Deus during the climax. She's still sort of weird and aloof here, the thing with the water bottle was a small stab at humor.


Quoted Text
Page 68:
I think Wiseman's reaction to seeing Deus -- a man who nearly beat him to death -- is way too low-key.


I understand what you're saying. But I wanted to convey that Dr. Wiseman felt Deus was right to attack him all those years ago.


Quoted Text
Soon after this I start to see the character HUNTER as being played by the actor Adam Baldwin. Is that who you had in mind?


Yes, I definitely wrote Hunter with Adam Baldwin in mind! Maybe with a bit of Garret Dillahunt from Last House on The Left, minus being a psychopath. Just somebody tall, tough, with lots of presence.


Quoted Text
Subsequent Scene Headers within the same Sequence should have "-CONTINUOUS" in them, instead of rehashing the daytime each time.


I've read a lot of debate about whether "continuous" belongs in a spec script, in the context you brought up. Everyone seems to have a different opinion, I just decided to leave it out for the sake of choosing a side.


Quoted Text
Go through and decide which verbs are ACTION VERBS and re-write them from Present Continuous ("He is flying...") to Simple Present ("He flies..."). This makes the action more immediate to the reader.


I tried to be careful about that, but I guess a few slipped through. Thanks for the sharp eye.


Quoted Text
Then write another draft, focusing on dialogue, because there is a lot of awkward dialogue in this one. Ask someone you trust -- a friend or family member -- to look over the script to give you criticism specifically about the dialogue. Ask them how they would speak in these certain situations in the script. Try to smooth out the dialogue to be less clunky.


This is definitely great advice, but I kind of chuckled at the mental image I got from it. "Mom, how would you try to convince an amnesiac superhero to accompany you to a city infested with mind controlled zombies?"

Thanks again for your great critique, eX, particularly in regards to the dialogue and the action verbs. Glad you managed to enjoy the story, despite it!
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eX_Vesper
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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No problem Redeemer. I think it would be better if Doctor Wiseman and Deus still had tension or even hatred towards one another for a little while. I think Wiseman should have a severe reaction to seeing Deus show up at his farm. Then gradually over a few scenes Wiseman can convince Deus that he has changed. You kind of did that in the script already, but I think it needs to be more dramatic, with more tension.

About action verbs, yeah, I personally came to a realization about them over the past few days after reading some good scripts here on the site. It caused me to go back through my own screenplay and do a lot of tweaking. Doing that also more often than not shortens your sentences and makes them more staccato, if that makes sense. Shorter, more to the point description or narrative is always a good thing.

So, if you'd like to take a look at my screenplay, that would be fantastic. It's a sword and sandal epic.

HERE is the latest tweak (179 pages -- PDF)
HERE is the discussion thread
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NJDevil
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Redeemer,

I see the finished product is up. I'll have to give it a read.

If you're up for an exchange, PM me.
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Redeemer
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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eX - no problem, i'll give it a read. It might take me a while, given the length and some other commitments, but I'll definitely let you know what I think.

NJDevil - thanks, PM sent!
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jackx
Posted: November 3rd, 2009, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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I'm pretty sure when Warner Bros says 'dark'  they dont mean Superman causing a zombie apocalypse, haha.
Seems like captain alpha is pretty much expressing our own fatiguing interest in repetitive superhero stories.
what is it with you people and your hatred of doors?  good line, seems to speak for the genre.
seems a little silly that they walk in just in time to save dr wiseman.  maybe have it a more routine attack than them having him pinned down about to beat him.
I agree the lack of confrontation between deus and wiseman stands out as strange.  Either there needs to be something more, or Wiseman needs a more fundamental change than just 'yea I got bored since theres nothing left to menace" or both.
The flashbacks get a little heavy going into the third act.
Having alpha kidnap the group and tell deus to do the right thing is kinda awkward and contridictory.
There's no good super hero fights until right at the end.  its always lopsided with deus all impotent and alpha all badass.
Deus didnt really come across as that great a character for me.  He wasnt too sympathetic because of his powers and past, and not too impressive because of his lack of current powers.  Not exactly sure how to fix this, but he was just a little flat or something.
Also thinking back it seems odd theres so little mention of hannahs mother.  Considering alphas position you'd think it would be a pretty big deal that he was with someone, and she might play a more significant role in his world view.
good stuff, not sure the chances of it getting made with such close analogues to old characters, even having red kryptonite.  Well written though, I can imagine some of the great imagery you'd have with the tattered superheroes in the ruined cities.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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