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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Ishtakal Moderators: bert
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  Author    Ishtakal  (currently 989 views)
Don
Posted: September 10th, 2010, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ishtakal by Andrey Karapetyan - Action, Adventure, Treatment - Scene of action take place in 738 year AD in ancient Mayan kingdom Xukpi. The self-enamoured brother of reigning king of Xukpi, an ambitious prince of neighbouring kingdom and young Xukpian warrior are pretended to hand and heart of Xukpian princess Ishtakal. Their struggle leads to unpredictable and tragical consequences both for protagonists, and for all kingdom. Some of characters and the events are based on the real historical facts. 48 pages - doc, format


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jackx
Posted: September 27th, 2010, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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I know we're not supposed to comment on loglines, but godd amn!  It seems like every new set of scripts put up there is one that reads like it was copy and pasted out of babel fish.
First, no need for names in loglines.  IMO that would include the name of the kingdom.  

Obviously the grammar is very messed up, I would guess english is the issue, not your writing ability.

Also, this is movies, why say "some of the characters and events are based on real life?"  None of us know the difference, so just say "Based on historical events."  Nice.

A complete logline might read something like this:

"In 728 AD Princes and warriors clash over the love of a Mayan Princess.  In the ensuing struggle kingdoms will fall and love will be betrayed...  Based on historical events."

To me that's enough for a short.
I'd read the actual script, but it's in word, and my computer doesnt swing that way.  Get Celtx, it's free and even I manage to use it.

Good luck with it.


PS If you want reads and advice from people, read and comment on other scripts...


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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