Heaven's Mistake by Brandon Montgomery - Action, Adventure - After a technical error sends a woman to hell, she must form an alliance with a woman who would rather see her rot, or have her soul trapped in hell for eternity 114 pages - pdf, format

I was going to post more from the lofty heights of my high horse on the reviews of my OWC script, but the thought left me colder than some of those reviews. And if that means nothing to you then worry not, you are unlikely to be alone.

So instead I had a look at this. We start off in hell, somewhere I've only been metaphorically. I often heard priests talking about it. They said there were many ways to get there, but I digress.

I found the opening page a bit sparse. I get accused of overwriting. That's definitely not happening here. There's lots going on in the opening but it needs more description to make a proper impression,

We've all got our pet peeves. One of mine is putting character description in brackets. It really doesn't help visualising.

I'd say Flashback would be far more effective than Memory Hit. There's no need to make up your own formatting terms. There's plenty already.

Your scene of the office in heaven got me wondering - do they really use computers in heaven? I'd have thought they'd be into scrolls and quills. And later on they have phones too. If he didn't have wings I'd wonder how we'd know this is heaven. Apart from it being in the header.

Come to think of it, there is no sign it isn't an office on earth. Therein lies the problem. You need to make your scenes here appear as if they aren't on earth. There's a film called What Dreams May Come that is mainly set in heaven which illustrates the difference between down here and up there clearly.

I read the first ten pages and I'm somewhat lost. There seems to be lots of characters but none of them grabbed me. The dialogue isn't bad. But it could be a lot better.

Maybe this script gets much better. I hope so.

R

Brandon,

On the first page you have a slug line starting with an underlined MEMORY HIT.  I've never seen this before. What does this mean?

Thx,

Tony.

More to follow