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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Uneven Exchange Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 24th, 2014, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Uneven Exchange by Jeremy Edwards - Action, Adventure - Two men, from opposite sides of the law, are just a step away from retiring to a life of solace, a common foe forces them together to regain their peace of mind and free themselves. 118 pages - pdf, format


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Iancou
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Read the script from cover to cover and I liked it. It was tough, gritty and a good story, in my opinion. I found the characters believable, Hendrix-evil, Jul and Frank-sympathetic, etc. The pace kept moving and didn't get bogged down. I did have a few points to consider when you revise it.

-The language (F-bombs) and violence (death by ax), while realistic, will probably get you an R-rating. This will limit your audience to some degree. If you are not worried about that, then ignore this point.

-There were numerous typos and misspellings throughout the script. I had to reread a couple of portions to make sure I understood. Also, the use of Fade out:/Fade in: was not something I had seen in the body of a script before.

-Long on description at times. Much of the action should be pared down and made more concise.

-Continuity: when Frank and Jul break into Hendrix's house, the way that Frank "McGyvered" the alarm system seems forced and glossed over. How did he do it as an ex-cop? What gave him that skill?

- Finally, some of the action seems cliche, i.e., when Rebecca shoots Hendrix. Numerous family members are current or prior law enforcement. While I was not, but military, it seems highly unlikely that the officers would have let her wonder around, much less acquire a firearm. After she shoots, they rush to help Frank and secure Hendrix, but nobody tries to disarm Rebecca. Since Hendrix survived only to die in interrogation, I believe you could delete the part about Rebecca shooting him without losing anything to your story. Or you could have her kick him in the balls or something as a payback for holding her against her will.

Anyway, I enjoyed the read. Hope you continue to refine and polish it.

Best of luck.

Ian


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