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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The King's Court Moderators: bert
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  Author    The King's Court  (currently 1267 views)
Posted: October 1st, 2014, 10:39pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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The King's Court by Brandon Montgomery - Action, Adventure - After a loyal and magic wielding assassin is framed for the murder of the king, he becomes an enemy of the state as he moves to exact vengeance on the true killer while attempting to seat the reluctant heir on the throne. 119 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: October 2nd, 2014, 4:05am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

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After a loyal and magic wielding assassin is framed for the murder of the king, he becomes an enemy of the state as he moves to exact vengeance on the true killer while attempting to seat the reluctant heir on the throne.


A loyal, magic-wielding assassin, framed for the king's murder, must exact revenge and seat the true ruler on the throne.

I think that's the crux of your logline.


He glances over his shoulder and
shrugs nonchalantly at his partner.

Your writing is very good (I can tell after half a page) however in the above you mention he looking at his partner... who I'm assuming is actually GUARD2. However, you should just say that. It's not his partner, it's GUARD2. Do we also need to know who he is looking at? As GUARD2 has just said something and is already standing behind, they are the only people in the room. He could just glance over his shoulder and shrug nonchalantly. Do you see what I mean?

You set the scene and the reader will have that image in their mind. Repeating stuff slows down the read.


With inhuman speed, a CLOCKED FIGURE...

Cloaked. Also, is this the same as the silhouette from the roof?


With inhuman speed, a CLOCKED FIGURE flips in from the open
window. He tackles Guard #1 and thrusts his dagger deep into
his sternum while remaining as silent as the grave.

The above could be done in one:

With inhuman speed, a CLOAKED FIGURE stealthily flips through the
window and thrusts a dagger deep into Guard1's sternum.

We already know the window is open. It's that repeating thing again and I get the feeling your writing will be the same throughout. Not bad... and from what I've seen of the rest of the screenwriters out there, you're pretty good.

I'm a nitpicky mofo though, luckily most producers aren't like that. So don't let my bullshit stop you from sending stuff out.


Guard #2 raises his sword and opens his mouth to yell.

DANTÉS, early 30s, long wavy hair, clean-shaven, athletic
build, with gauntleted hands, sends a barrage of metallic
NEEDLES into Guard #2, silencing him.

This is the kind of stuff I was writing aged 12. I loved Piers Anthony, Terry Pratchett, Tom Holt... never really got along with the serious fantasy like David Eddings et al, though. The first novelette I wrote at over 80 A4 sides (handwritten of course) was a Pratchett rip-off. Just his style, not his actual stories. These days I can't stand the stuff... but I do know that a lot of very intelligent adults still read those books. I'm not trying to belittle you by saying I wrote this stuff aged 12. It's just what I was into back then. I was still a very good writer. My English teacher thought that I'd copied it from a book.

Upon saying that I was only prepared to read a page or so anyway. I'm not looking to produce your script, I just want to see how well you write and possibly share some tips. I've done that now. Good luck.

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