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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Last Avenger Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Last Avenger Left by Alex Gonzalez  - Action, Adventure - Captain America is the Last Avenger Left. He is huddled and afraid in the Midwest. But something otherworldly is out for justice. 87 pages - pdf, format


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Josh
Posted: December 23rd, 2014, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alex, I'm not really into specs based on existing characters, especially if they're superheroes, but I decided to give this one a go.

I don't know how else to say it, but there is room for improvement. 87 pages I thought was strange, considering this is a Captain America movie, but now I realize why. Your action blocks are WAAYYY too dense, and the first page that's stuffed with black (meaning way too many words) is enough to make any reader shut the script and throw it out. Break these up once in a while, it'll be more beneficial than you might expect.

And descriptions like this:


Quoted Text
He cares
little for the girl behind him. Her name is Bethany but it
does not matter in the least for she will be dead before the
sun sets.


Why mention her name at all then?

Show, don't tell. I think that's the one thing that will help you with this. Good luck!


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: December 25th, 2014, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Perhaps itís Kansas. Nebraska maybe.


Spoecs regarding established franchises and/or characters is always a tricky deal. It is not by accident that those who generally do the fanscripting are none too sharp as far as writing goes. This opening statement after the wheat field on the first page is such an example of what not to do in a spec. We HAVE to know where we are if it is that important.

Chunks of ink. Camera angles. Telling me what's what instead od=f showing.


Quoted Text
On the road.

You can see a car racing towards the barn. The head lights
are on. It kicks up a night smoke behind it. The driving is
erratic. The small sedan, covered in dirt, skids to a stop
just beyond the parking lot, in front of the barn yard
doors


Whatcha mean I can see? When you show, your readers ":see" anyway. And It's the Christmas season, so here's a little gift to you:

On the road.
You can see a car racing towards the barn. The head lights
are on. It kicks up a night smoke behind it. The driving is
erratic. The small sedan, covered in dirt, skids to a stop
just beyond the parking lot, in front of the barn yard
doors

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
A small dirty Sedan races towards the barn. Headlights on, it skids to a halt in front of the doors.


My revision example isn't exact, but it's close enough with the same meaning, a slight more urgency as it happens in the moment, and loses some of the redundancy.

Let's gp on.


Quoted Text
On Steve.

Steve and Sarah, alert to the new presence, get out of the
truck bed and walk over to see if something is wrong.

SARAH STEVE
I think thatís Mrs. Carolineís car.
Címon.

Car.
A frantic woman CAROLINE scrambles out of the car to her knees. She
starts screamsing frantically for HELP and runs into the
barnyard.

Steve and Sarah hurry to catch up and see what the commotion
is about
.


One of the biggest gaffes I notice when it comes to fan writing is when the characters the fans write for are written out of character. I don't understand why, but for some reason, it always happens without fail when I see badly written fanscripts.

Who is Captian America?
Why is Sarah running faster than him? Why is she taking the lead? ("C'mon!") Shouldn't it be the other way around? Again, I crossed out some stuff and then will rearrange it accodingly like so:

STEVE
I think thatís Mrs. Carolineís car!

Steve and Sarah jump out of the truck bed as CAROLINE (age here) scrambles out of her  car. She screams and darts inside the barn.


That revision of mine could still be imprived of course, but you can tell what I dropped and/or changed. Now the question is why did I drop it? Take a look at that last line of yours that I crossed out "Steve and Sarah hurry to catch up and see what the commotion is about." What did they do before Caroline got out of her car? That's right...the same thing. But it isn't needed. The pair going to Caroline to see what's wrong is already implied by thier actions. That's ALL you need.

Again, Cap can run fast and is very agile. Going by what we see in comics, cartoons and especially three films to date, iin't it it a little odd that Steve Riogers has to "hurry" to catch up to a wounded woman? Blood all over her? (Note: Know Thy Audience) Sarah was also the one to jump out first and lead the way.

>
>

It is one thing if a hick from the barnyard boxing club says it - such a voice could be a racist jerk, having one too many beers, I 'spose- but when the victim we are supposed to care about says "it was the g-d redskin! He scapled my William!" (p6)

Then it seems "America" and "Steve Rogers" are two different characters. Heck, he's not even called Captian America. Black Rider is Black. White Rider is White. Lost Reader is Lost.

I'm so out.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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SuperMan_fan
Posted: January 3rd, 2015, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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i dont think this is a bad story. it just feels very unlike Captain America. If it was perhaps longer and a bit more fleshed out it could be better

It feels very much like the comic old man Logan and it worked with him...but I dont feel it gels well with the character of steve Rogers
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Lon
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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It's very over-written but where you really lost me was when early on, you show Cap smoking a cigarette.  That sounds trivial, but hear me out:

Cap doesn't need to train.  The super soldier serum in his system keeps his body at the pinnacle of human perfection without him ever having to go for a jog or lift a weight.  But he has always CHOSEN to train, to lift, to run, to eat healthily.  Why?  Because Dr. Erskine was murdered giving Steve the gift of human perfection; Steve, an honorable and forthright man even before the super soldier serum, would never dishonor Erskine's efforts or his gift to him by taking for granted or abusing the very body Erskine died giving him.

And that includes never smoking a cigarette.

This is a problem with a lot of comic fan-fiction -- the authors don't know their characters nearly as well as they think they do.  When a fan reads your script and sees that you didn't know Cap would never smoke and why, they'll assume there's a lot more stuff coming that also contradicts or isn't true to the character.  You'll lose them, and earn their animosity.  

Know and honor the character.  Throw them into whatever situation you want, but don't change them to fit your story needs.  The fans will call you on it every time.
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Leegion
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty much what Lon said.

Writing a comic book superhero movie is about delivering an experience fans understand and enjoy.  Steve smoking, being a super soldier designed for perfection, doesn't fit the character at all.  The guy's a patriarch to the American way of life, the greatest super human of World War 2, the First Avenger in existence (bar the cosmic realm) and that is ultimately where this falls short.

When writing for an existing character, you need to know the character inside and out.  You can write the character however you please, but he/she still needs to be familiar to who they are.

Fan-fiction rarely works because it's fan-fiction.  You need to take the time to study the character.  Read their back stories on the official Wikipedia page, understand their characteristics, motivations and such.  

Believe me, if you can produce a script about an existing character as a spec script for a new line of films in a specific string of movies, then producers will take notice and perhaps, given if luck is on your side, sign you up.

I, for example, have been studying the Batman character for the past 8 months, alongside a multitude of his greatest unseen-in-the-world-of-film villains in order to craft a Batman spec that isn't just fan-fiction, but a concept that would otherwise be an original spec script only based on the Batman character and universe.  

Never write for a character you don't know.  You've got some cool moments, but it does scream "fan-fiction" as it reads right now.  Captain America doesn't feel like Captain America.  He just feels like some dude who wears a costume to fight bad guys.

A little tweak here or there and you could have something good.  Also, don't feel threatened by stretching the story out a bit more to give you some time to develop the character fully.  
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Dustin
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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I've been studying Batman for 35 years... give or take.


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Leegion
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
I've been studying Batman for 35 years... give or take.


Comic fan, eh?  Batman's one of my favorites.  I've been a fan since I first saw Batman Returns when I was 8.  Been studying the character and lore hardcore for the past few months for an ongoing project, which I'm hoping might get some notice.

It's "fan-fiction" but "spec" worthy as if it were an original concept.  I'm aiming for a dark, haunting and visceral tale unlike any take on the character before.  

So I'm glad to know there's a fan on the boards that might read it.  
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Dustin
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Leegion


Comic fan, eh?  Batman's one of my favorites.  I've been a fan since I first saw Batman Returns when I was 8.  Been studying the character and lore hardcore for the past few months for an ongoing project, which I'm hoping might get some notice.

It's "fan-fiction" but "spec" worthy as if it were an original concept.  I'm aiming for a dark, haunting and visceral tale unlike any take on the character before.  

So I'm glad to know there's a fan on the boards that might read it.  


Yes, Batman was my favourite. I particularly liked the darker graphic novels where Batman actually kills bad guys.

I've always wanted to write a Batman film... the only thing is, I would make it at least a 15. Not sure I could keep it at a 12.


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Leegion
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


Yes, Batman was my favourite. I particularly liked the darker graphic novels where Batman actually kills bad guys.

I've always wanted to write a Batman film... the only thing is, I would make it at least a 15. Not sure I could keep it at a 12.


That's why I'm going for it.  I've always wanted to write one, so I'm writing one.  Batman's the darkest "super" hero in comics.  His story is deep, powerful and downright sad, so the script has to live up to the name.  And with the way the script is going, it'll be a hard PG-13 if it were produced.  

If all goes well, it'll be finished by the end of the month.  
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SuperMan_fan
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Quoted from Leegion


That's why I'm going for it.  I've always wanted to write one, so I'm writing one.  Batman's the darkest "super" hero in comics.  His story is deep, powerful and downright sad, so the script has to live up to the name.  And with the way the script is going, it'll be a hard PG-13 if it were produced.  

If all goes well, it'll be finished by the end of the month.  



Sounds interesting. Whos the villian?

It will be posted here right?

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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Leegion


That's why I'm going for it.  I've always wanted to write one, so I'm writing one.  Batman's the darkest "super" hero in comics.  His story is deep, powerful and downright sad, so the script has to live up to the name.  And with the way the script is going, it'll be a hard PG-13 if it were produced.  

If all goes well, it'll be finished by the end of the month.  


As far as "fan fiction" goes with comics based characters, the most I'd consider swinging for is specs for TV shows, such as Gotham or Arrow.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Leegion
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Quoted from SuperMan_fan
Sounds interesting. Whos the villian?

It will be posted here right?



Black Mask is one of the villains.  The other one I can't say without spoiling the plot.  There's other Batman rogues present too.

It'll be posted up shortly.  If you're a Batman fan, no doubt you'll enjoy it.  There's a lot of story to be told, and many classic DC characters to meet.

Just hope I did it justice... pun intended.  (Green Lantern's next on my list ).


Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley


As far as "fan fiction" goes with comics based characters, the most I'd consider swinging for is specs for TV shows, such as Gotham or Arrow.



Funnily enough, I actually wrote a 16-episode Batman series a long time ago.  It was supposed to be for Animation, but nothing ever came of it.  Also before I had Celtx...

Now I have my eyes set on crafting a DC Cinematic Universe from scratch.  Consider it my plan for 2015:  Get Warner Bros' attention.
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SuperMan_fan
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[quote=Leegion]

Black Mask is one of the villains.  The other one I can't say without spoiling the plot.  There's other Batman rogues present too.

It'll be posted up shortly.  If you're a Batman fan, no doubt you'll enjoy it.  There's a lot of story to be told, and many classic DC characters to meet.

Just hope I did it justice... pun intended.  (Green Lantern's next on my list ).



Oh black mask. Thats certainly different and a hidden villain


and Green Lantern certainly needs saving......any chance of Wonder woman?
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Dustin
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 5:17am Report to Moderator
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Wonder Woman was recently shelved I believe... I agree in that I don't think it will have much of an impact, unless something crazy happens with the concept.

http://screenrant.com/joss-whedon-wonder-woman-sandy-139177/?_r=true

Same with Green Lantern. Nobody is interested in him... IMO.


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SuperMan_fan
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 5:54am Report to Moderator
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Oh for gods sake


It's almost tragic. Marvel makes films of its most obscure characters while DC won't even dip it's toe In the water of anything that isn't a bat or a flying man


I'm not counting the JL movie because supes and the bat are in it


Wonder Woman is apparently to complicated and Green lantern is supposedly too silly
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Dustin
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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What about Swamp Thing? Jonah Hex? They made Supergirl once, I think... Catwoman is another.


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SuperMan_fan
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Good point but they were almost all critically panned and loathed
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SuperMan_fan
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Cat woman is a very strange creature as it's based on the DC character yet I don't think could be anymore different
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Dustin
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Batman and Superman are all DC need, all they've ever needed. Marvel may have more heroes, but it's quality over quantity, in my opinion.


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SuperMan_fan
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Isnt that a little timid though? I get wwhat your saying but it can be easily misread as

DC: We dont need to expand our movie universe. These two are all we need

MARVEL: I dont blame you.....the fact that every other movie youve ever tried has either languished in development hell or has flopped. I cant fault you with wanting to cling onto the only characters youve not massacred.

DC: Thats not true!

MARVEL: Whatever....you go and reboot again. Im off to make some obscure character


I dont beleive that but thats how many feel that DC is too nervous as opposed to Marvels take risk attitude
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Leegion
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Quoted from SuperMan_fan
Oh black mask. Thats certainly different and a hidden villain

and Green Lantern certainly needs saving......any chance of Wonder woman?


Black Mask is a gem in the Batman Rogues Gallery.  I thought he deserved a shot so I wound a story around him and another character that makes up 1 of the sub plots.  

Wonder Woman is 3rd on my list.  It's Captain America: The First Avenger meets Thor.  Just to give you a hint of the concept.  Green Lantern will be a Galaxy-wide conspiracy thriller and I'm starting next month.

Then there's Aquaman and Flash, who will fit in-between Wonder Woman and Man of Tomorrow (Superman).

So yeah, expect all of the originals (no Martian Manhunter standalone, he arrives in DotJL) and then the ensemble attempt.

I also plan on bringing "The Suicide Squad" together, and adapting some of the lesser known heroes.  
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SuperMan_fan
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Oh this sounds thrilling


any chance of any marvel characters? Spider man,venom Ghost Rider?
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Leegion
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Quoted from SuperMan_fan
Oh this sounds thrilling


any chance of any marvel characters? Spider man,venom Ghost Rider?


The only history I really have with Marvel is the MCU and the Raimi Spider-Man trilogy.  I'm not all that "knowledgeable" when it comes to their roster unfortunately.  Though I am a huge Adam Warlock fan.  But they seem to have things covered so it might be a waste of time on my part.

DC I know much more about.  
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