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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Spirit Mountain Moderators: bert
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  Author    Spirit Mountain  (currently 903 views)
Don
Posted: May 2nd, 2015, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Spirit Mountain by E. D. Hillard - Action, Animation - With his summer vacation ruined with a trip to his Grandfather’s, It awakens an echo from the past; unleashing the spirits of a forgotten race and his destiny to disimprison them.  98 pages - pdf, format


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TonyDionisio
Posted: May 7th, 2015, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Mr.  Hillard,

Your logline is not comprehensible which leads me to believe English is not your native language. Keep the log simple and clear.


"CLICK !  The leash line has spooled out.  The elderly man's entire BODY is JOLTED forward.  The resulting jolt SNAPS his head to the side.  Contorting his face into to a WTF. Expelling his dentures and saliva in a projectile loogie. Shocked into life like Frankenstein's monster the elderly man, begins YELLING all the way down the block.
                ELDERLY MAN
                    (yelling)
YAAAAAAA-Hoo-HOO-HOO-HOOOEEEYYYY!!!."

Contorting his face into a WTF??? WTF does that mean?

Can you imagine auditions for the part of elderly man? Now I want you to read the above line...

Gl with the script


  
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Max
Posted: May 7th, 2015, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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If I was to re-write that quickly it would be something like...

CLICK! The leash spools out. The elderly man jolts forward and his face contorts as it snaps to the side.

This forward motion knocks the saliva-covered dentures right out of his mouth. In a state of shock, the elderly man yells down the block.


What is a leash line by the way? I have no idea.

I think he was using "WTF" as in, the dude had a What the f*** expression on his face. Either way it's not all that clear.


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