SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 19th, 2020, 11:48am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

blah, blah, blah scripts are being posted. Bear with.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Defection Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Defection  (currently 1329 views)
Don
Posted: May 9th, 2015, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14130
Posts Per Day
1.97
Defection by Leo Birchley - Action, Adventure - A spy action film about a top secret agent who turns against, and must stop, the espionage and law enforcement agency that he had long worked for when it is revealed to him that they have decided to forcefully take control of the world’s political powers. 129 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Anon
Posted: May 11th, 2015, 9:53am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
180
Posts Per Day
0.12
You logline could be tighter. A lot of doubled up info, like saying it's a spy film when 'secret agent' already tells us that. For example -

A secret agent must stop his own agency when they try to take control of the world's political powers.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
Dreamscale
Posted: May 11th, 2015, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11361
Posts Per Day
2.43
Agree that the logline is very poor, but I opened this up anyway.

Lots of overwriting on display, but very little in teh way of visual writing.  As written, it's just not working.  I recommend reading lots of scripts so you can see what works, what doesn't, and why.

But, there are bigger problems here on Page 1, and for me, they are complete read killers.

First of all, you spell "Croupier" incorrectly once, but that appears to be a typo.  You also cap Croupier once, while not capping it other times.

But here's the killer.  You say the Croupier has a 5 and an Ace, then deals himself a 7 and busts.  That's not a bust...that's merely a 13.  You shouldn't write about what you obviously don't know, as it makes you look dumb.

Also, turn off the "CONTINUED" on the top and bottom of each page - it looks completely amateurish.

Keep writing and learning the craft.  Take care.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
Max
Posted: May 11th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
Regular


BOSS STATUS

Location
UK
Posts
578
Posts Per Day
0.14

Quoted from Dreamscale
Agree that the logline is very poor, but I opened this up anyway.

Lots of overwriting on display, but very little in teh way of visual writing.  As written, it's just not working.  I recommend reading lots of scripts so you can see what works, what doesn't, and why.

But, there are bigger problems here on Page 1, and for me, they are complete read killers.

First of all, you spell "Croupier" incorrectly once, but that appears to be a typo.  You also cap Croupier once, while not capping it other times.

But here's the killer.  You say the Croupier has a 5 and an Ace, then deals himself a 7 and busts.  That's not a bust...that's merely a 13.  You shouldn't write about what you obviously don't know, as it makes you look dumb.

Also, turn off the "CONTINUED" on the top and bottom of each page - it looks completely amateurish.

Keep writing and learning the craft.  Take care.


Wouldn't you cap Croupier the first time because it's a new character being introduced, then you don't need to cap it after that?

I agree with not writing about what you don't know, I've got an idea for script about Snooker... I watch it from time to time but before I even get started on that I'm going to research everything about the game.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
Dreamscale
Posted: May 11th, 2015, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11361
Posts Per Day
2.43

Quoted from Max
Wouldn't you cap Croupier the first time because it's a new character being introduced, then you don't need to cap it after that?


Yes, as with all characters being first intro'd, you CAP the entire name.

But, after that, you'd either start it with a capital C or just use a small c - here, both are done, and that's what I'm referring to.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006