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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Defection Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 9th, 2015, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Defection by Leo Birchley - Action, Adventure - A spy action film about a top secret agent who turns against, and must stop, the espionage and law enforcement agency that he had long worked for when it is revealed to him that they have decided to forcefully take control of the world’s political powers. 129 pages - pdf, format


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Anon
Posted: May 11th, 2015, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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You logline could be tighter. A lot of doubled up info, like saying it's a spy film when 'secret agent' already tells us that. For example -

A secret agent must stop his own agency when they try to take control of the world's political powers.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 11th, 2015, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Agree that the logline is very poor, but I opened this up anyway.

Lots of overwriting on display, but very little in teh way of visual writing.  As written, it's just not working.  I recommend reading lots of scripts so you can see what works, what doesn't, and why.

But, there are bigger problems here on Page 1, and for me, they are complete read killers.

First of all, you spell "Croupier" incorrectly once, but that appears to be a typo.  You also cap Croupier once, while not capping it other times.

But here's the killer.  You say the Croupier has a 5 and an Ace, then deals himself a 7 and busts.  That's not a bust...that's merely a 13.  You shouldn't write about what you obviously don't know, as it makes you look dumb.

Also, turn off the "CONTINUED" on the top and bottom of each page - it looks completely amateurish.

Keep writing and learning the craft.  Take care.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Max
Posted: May 11th, 2015, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Agree that the logline is very poor, but I opened this up anyway.

Lots of overwriting on display, but very little in teh way of visual writing.  As written, it's just not working.  I recommend reading lots of scripts so you can see what works, what doesn't, and why.

But, there are bigger problems here on Page 1, and for me, they are complete read killers.

First of all, you spell "Croupier" incorrectly once, but that appears to be a typo.  You also cap Croupier once, while not capping it other times.

But here's the killer.  You say the Croupier has a 5 and an Ace, then deals himself a 7 and busts.  That's not a bust...that's merely a 13.  You shouldn't write about what you obviously don't know, as it makes you look dumb.

Also, turn off the "CONTINUED" on the top and bottom of each page - it looks completely amateurish.

Keep writing and learning the craft.  Take care.


Wouldn't you cap Croupier the first time because it's a new character being introduced, then you don't need to cap it after that?

I agree with not writing about what you don't know, I've got an idea for script about Snooker... I watch it from time to time but before I even get started on that I'm going to research everything about the game.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 11th, 2015, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
Wouldn't you cap Croupier the first time because it's a new character being introduced, then you don't need to cap it after that?


Yes, as with all characters being first intro'd, you CAP the entire name.

But, after that, you'd either start it with a capital C or just use a small c - here, both are done, and that's what I'm referring to.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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