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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Retrovirus Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Retrovirus by Reo Maynard - Action, Adventure - CRISPR gene-splicing technology arrives and Dr. Mason is in hot pursuit of a former colleague engaged in gene warfare. 116 pages - pdf, format


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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Reo,

Caught my eye with the premise. Seems a tad overwritten for action, I would consider this Sci-Fi. Was thinking "who's the protagonist" and there it was...  you come straight out and tell us: JASON: OUR PROTAGONIST.  He is Dr. Mason as per the log line. Cheater. lol.

Page 8 to 10. Got lost with all the prostate talk.
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rendevous
Posted: March 23rd, 2016, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Away

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I always wonder why people put an address on their title page. It's not that they should it put elsewhere on their script either.

Do they expect a visit from someone in Hollywood carrying a bag of cash and a contract they simply must get signed today? It'd be nice, but I doubt even William Goldman used to expect as much way back when he was so hot his wife used to get burned when she touched him. Hands, on his hands. Let's keep it clean.

I think in the old days a home phone number would be rather hopeful. A call from a proper film maker, I would think - I should be so lucky. I would mention Kylie, but I don't like her today. That may change tomorrow. It did yesterday.

Surely an email address on a title page will suffice these days.

Now to the actual script. Sorry about the delay.

The writer can write, some of what I read was alright, nay, was good. But sadly I have to agree with most of what TonyDionisio above me says. That's on this page, Tony isn't my boss or anything. At least I don't think so.

There's overwriting, there's too many director type directions. Those two things make the story a little harder to follow than it should be. I often found myself getting a bit lost as I went along. Rereading bits didn't really clear my puzzling fuzz up for me.

There might be a good script in here, but it needs some trimming and some rewriting before the story can come out.

Reo,

If you want more details as to what I mean then I will explain further. I can't promise I won't write bizzare jokes in my advice in the future. But you'll be able to sort those from the points I can make. I hope so anyway.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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