Had a look through this as it's my kinda genre and right up my alley. Well written period-meets-fiction piece. Seems you put a lot of research into this. It does present a real smooth read.
Initial logline thoughts: "After American
terrorists nuke China's naval command on the 4th of July
, a submarine commanded by the US President's Daughter and her team of Navy SEALs are all that stand between a rogue Chinese submarine and Nuclear Armageddon."
I wouldn't reveal American in the logline. The more mystery, the better. Now, if this is a misdirection, then I see where you're going here, but, still... with logs, less is always more and more is always magnificent.
Removing the actual day un-clutters the log a bit, kinda. Not a big deal in the slightest, as it still delivers a complete idea of what I'm about to read.
Since it's a period war battle, you kept the opening short, which should keep filming costs down. You intro'd young, 9yr Rith, as an innocent boy to feel bad for as war rages around him. And then this same boy ambushes an alone (not Lone Ranger
)_ Ranger, inside of an unknown and hostile war-zone, (why's he alone? To drink juice?) and Rith kills him with a spoon. That's kinda hard to believe, but you are establishing that Rith is resourceful and a dangerous type, so I get what you're doing there.
50 years later and we meet back up with Rith. I suggest showing us some feature about him so that we can immediately recognize him (such as a scar from the Ranger fight, or something). I assume he has this rogue-type sub about to cause havoc on a target and the sub is surfaced??? I'm no expert on subs, but I know they are silent killers and wouldn't risk exposing themselves with a surface show (within binocular range) just before firing on their target. It makes for a good scene with Rith, however.
Even if I have this all wrong at this point, can a sub fire missiles water to air at low flying, close-in helicopters? I dunno.
The US President's daughter is to high-level command a nuclear submarine -- different. I like it. Very recent to have woman on subs. Good thing to explore. Not sure you have much data on the topic to write about accurately.
Mary and McBride have some nice solid dialog going on between them. Not too much conflict, but still makes for a good scene. Stuff like this is great, which, IMO, is something I would end the scene with. MCBRIDE (CONTï¿½D)
Youï¿½ve just been promoted to the black
sheep of Americaï¿½s submarine fleet.
Not digging 15yr old Mary speaking to her parents (flashback) as though she's older.
Pg.26, Alvarez speaking on the phone is not a V.O. Either use O.S. or phone or just word Walter as: "I'm on my way, sir."
Some of the scene transitions between surface fleet and submarine interiors are a bit confusing, probably due to lack of scene slugs. It seems you have rules for your scene transitions that vary.
just in time for Quiet Fire to pass over it.
I'd pick a better word.
The action sequences are tight and the battle dialog works well. Although, it does read like any of the similar movies on the topic. You spent quite a few pages of action on a training scene -- at the end of Act 1. That's a let down. I can't say much for the timing of this.
Steel beach party? lol. 49-50 pages in for the inciting incident. I feel this strongly needs to happen sooner.
I like how you intercut the reality of what Mary's sub sees vs. the nuclear reality. Pacing is really good, pages turn well. More than halfway through this and I think a major problem you will encounter is the lack of a full-blown main protagonist. I personally don't think it's a big deal as I write kinda the same way (make the entire cast and story front and center) but I believe others will tell you this is a problem.
I think you need to remove Shining and have Mary forced to make decisions by the time page 60-70 rolls around. She should be the underdog taking the suggestions and from others, unsure of her own abilities, the crew unsure of her. Which you do, kinda conveniently, but I think it needs to occur earlier.Late twenties, Cuban, gorgeous. Sheï¿½s your typical Navy Top Gun Pilot.
She is? I wish I went into the Navy. lol. Now, you give us Kelly to root for and follow? It's like you left Mary after giving her very little to do and now Kelly is the active protag in a very important scene. And so late in the story to boot.
Again, this my type of movie. I would watch this. Now, I think you are trying to mess with your audience a bit too much. There are a lot of characters to follow and aside from Rith (who I would never root for) who's left? Mary is a huge disappointment.
Rith is an enigma. His legacy is told as the super smart, greatest tactician ever -- and he is just that... told to be. While he is active in his plan, he is not unpredictable and he wasn't really pushed to the limit or challenged enough. Everybody around him seems to know what he's gonna do before he does it.
We have Crimson Tide, we have Red October and a shit load of rip-offs. Where does this fit in? What's truly new here? This won't be a low budget thing to make. Which one of these characters would an a-list be dying to play? It ain't Mary, that's for sure. It needs to be Mary.
Other than that, as an action guy, I love the action writing and you do it really well. And, overall I did enjoy the read.