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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Shotgun Diaries Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 1st, 2017, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shotgun Diaries by Anton J Steinhart - Action - {no logline} 118 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Marty
Posted: November 1st, 2017, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Anton,

First, congratulations on finishing your screenplay. Always a daunting task.

A few observations and suggestions for you:
Submit with a logline. If you don't have one, come up with one. It will help people know a general idea of what your story is and will possibly encourage others to read your screenplay.
I am not sure if you used a program to write this or not but in the event you didn't, make sure you do. WriterDuet and Celtx are both free if cost is a factor.
Screenplays are written in Courier, 12 point font. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I would take out all of the cut to's.
Parenthetical's are placed between the characters name and the dialogue and should be used sparingly.
You have huge blocks of action. Sometimes in excess of twenty lines. Don't. Break it up. Keep it to three, four, five lines max.
Your scene headings/sluglines are overly busy. Try to keep them simple unless an absolute need for the story.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.
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Lono
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Anton,

I really like the title. It grabbed my attention. No longline though, never a good sign.

Looking through the first couple of pages I can see that you have never looked at a screenplay before, and that's okay; but I would have at least researched how to format a screenplay properly before uploading it to the site. I would point out some examples, but there is just too many problems with how it's written right now.

Check out some scripts on the site and you'll catch on in no time. Best of luck!
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Gerasimos
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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This is my first short review on the forum.
Went through the first 30 pages (i'm also a novice script writer so be gentle^^ and perhaps don't take this too serious).
Besides the obvious formatting errors, i liked the concept of parallel timeline events. I really liked it.
However, it feels really painful to focus on the story, as there are so many fundamental script writing errors in it.
Some tips.
Rewrite it, deleting all the 'begins to', 'starts to', 'can be seen'. Ditch 'then this, then that'. Change future tense with present. Use fullstops. Use celtx as Marty suggested. Avoid camera directions, this is the producer's job. Delete cuts, unless absolutely necessary.
2 pages long (19-20) phone call conversation. Use an intercut or something because the way you wrote it, the camera goes back and forth during every single line.
Some dialogues look over-simplified to me. Just a 'yes/no' or 'ok/fine', i didn't like it.
Another thing i really miss is Tommy's reactions/attitude during his 'time traveling' scenes. Almost none. Have a look at source code script for example. Tommy's character should look like Colter's in the beginning...


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ARAGORN - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY


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