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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Silence of the Lands Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Silence of the Lands  (currently 995 views)
DSM
Posted: May 25th, 2018, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you. Gregoria is in 1941 then La Parra ranch is in 1834.
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HyperMatt
Posted: June 14th, 2018, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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This seems much more a drama than an action adventure, but this could change as the conflict seems to be heating up. I really like the charecterization of Domingo. He is clearly the protagonist. Although I think he may have handled the death of his father to well. I think he should have affected him more and it would raise the stakes.
Wedding scene was really elaborate. It reminded me of that Godfather wedding scene.


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DSM
Posted: June 16th, 2018, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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Keep reading. The death of his father hits him hard very soon. Thank you for the comment.
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HyperMatt
Posted: June 26th, 2018, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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I finally finished the script. I think it is more of a western than anything else. It felt very much like those Spanish/Mexican-centric Westerns from the 60s, like Guns Of San SebastiŠn.


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DSM
Posted: June 26th, 2018, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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I am going to watch that and I think you are suggesting to describe the genre as western. I thought of that but it didn't seem to belong with the westerns I am familiar with, I think it is historically ironic that the illegal immigrants in the 1830s were Americans entering Mexico. Not many seem to know that. Thank you so much. I hope it was worthwhile.
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HyperMatt
Posted: June 26th, 2018, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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I could really see Anthony Quinn with a role somewhere, but unfortunately heís dead.


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HyperMatt
Posted: June 27th, 2018, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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SILENCE OF THE LANDS Ė By D. Scott Mangione
It really is a Western Drama.
The good news is that you have a solid compelling story, with good tension, good stakes, strong sympathetic characters that you (or at least) really rooted for, especially Domingo and his wife. Iíve found a lot of romances in script really corny, but this was a really strong, spiritual relationship. You really felt for Bernada when Domingo left home, when she was beaten up, when she had her baby. You give the villains belevible convictions for doing what the
But a lot of work to be done, a lot. It seems that you are a good story teller, and I suspect that you spent a lot of time on this (and how many drafts?). It feels like it was a labour of love for you. I wonder how long it took you to write? (Iím always wondering how long it took writers to finish their feature scripts. The story really feels like a labor of love for you personally. I like some of the intimate scenes  like father and sons looking at the night sky.  
The relationship between Lorenzo and his son reminds of the relationship between Jacob and his sons in the book of Genesis for some reason. Especially on page 13 where he effectively gives Domingo his blessing.
I love the land granting scene on Page 7; very ceremonial. This is going to be a very expensive period film. I think of things like ĎThe massive partyrrom is supported by pillars of Cyprus and oak crossbeams.í
You donít always indicate age of new characters in the script, like Bernada.
Although the dialogue is engaging and somewhat believable, a lot of it goes on for too long, you spell out things that are already clear in the script, is redundant (e.g.Domingo telling us that the statue is badly damaged), says what we already know. I think that cutting unnecessary dialogue cut your script by at least 15%. Getting it down to the magic 100 page number.
The scene where Borland and Miller meet Domingo I thought this was some kind of rouse by Hayes, I was thinking Ďthis would be a brilliant twistí.
Personally, I really hate that script device Ďa beatí itís like taking the place of something else.
Numbers in dialogue should be spelt out in words. 6000 by nightfall should be ĎSix thousand by nightfallí. I donít know how that convention came about.
I like the confrontation with Rafael where Domingoís fatherís killer is revealed.
I think that speech of Domingo speaking to Julianís grave needs to be seriously reworded. IN fact the speech is unnecessary, the reaction on Domingoís face is enough. Good scene where Rafael is Ďresurrectedí and he and Domingo are resurrected. It shows how invested I was in the characters.
Your action scenes. I would put actual gunfire descriptions than bang, bang, although I have seen that in a lot of scripts that have become films.  
Whose is that voice in Domingoís head? We donít even know if it is a man or a woman,  young voice or old voice
I love that seen where Richard throws gravel at Domingoís feet.
I love that graphic image of hank tortured and tied to a cross on page 45 that was quite a brutal effective scene
I really hate that script device Ďa beatí itís like taking the place of something else.
Iím in two minds about the bookends. Up till the end I thought they were unnecessary, but I thought they were fitting reaching the end of the tale, nicely complementing the story.  I think you should still explore if the story could work without them. I think you should at least reduce the first bookend from its 5 pages.
There are a few typos, which I have emailed to you. I donít think Rangers needs to begin with a capital letter. This is a constant problem with us newbies. Iíve just had my latest script reviewed and Iím annoyed at myself for how many typos are in it. Iím going to get into the habit of having a neutral person check through it.
You need to give age of new characters introduced.


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DSM
Posted: June 28th, 2018, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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thank you so much for comments and advice. Will consider how to apply them.
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DSM
Posted: June 30th, 2018, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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I never answered your question. I spent 9 weeks writing the first draft with some small changes after that.
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DSM
Posted: June 30th, 2018, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Somewhere along my studies, I was taught numbers in dialogue should always be written numerically. It has to do with preference of actors.
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HyperMatt
Posted: June 30th, 2018, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Were you working on it full time or outside of a full time job.
Man... if i didn't have to work full time, the stuff I could do.


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DSM
Posted: June 30th, 2018, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Totally full time. Doing nothing else. If you can handle being poor it can be done.
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