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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Animal Catchers Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Animal Catchers  (currently 502 views)
Don
Posted: December 17th, 2018, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Animal Catchers by Whitney Lukuku - Action, Adventure - Ted Maxwell who, is under contract to move Rhinos from an unprotected area to a protected game reserve, is determined to accomplish his mission in spite of the obstacles he encounters ranging from broken vehicles to a full blown civil in unnamed African country. 98 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 11th, 2019, 1:17pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: December 17th, 2018, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Whitney - you may benefit from some screen writing software - this isn't near the correct format


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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HyperMatt
Posted: December 17th, 2018, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Try Celtx.
Or Trilby.

They're both free.


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Ifinshigwa
Posted: December 18th, 2018, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the feed back and I will appreciate more
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 19th, 2018, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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If you want more feedback you will have to rewrite this in the correct format. It is extremely unlikely anyone will read in it's current state.

You would also benefit from being an active member of the forums and exchanging reviews with others.

Matt
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 19th, 2018, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Yes, that is my real hair...

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...and writing a logline without mistakes in it.  You don't need any special software to do this, but as written, whether you're using screenwriting software or not, I know what's going to follow, and I know it's going to be riddled with mistakes.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Ifinshigwa
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, I downloaded Celtx and rewriting. It is so helpful. I will be reposting in a couple of weeks.
Thanks again.
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eldave1
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Cool - keep at it - it'll come


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Ifinshigwa
Posted: December 26th, 2018, 1:27am Report to Moderator
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Hi All, Thank you for your feed back, I have reformatted the script using the Celtx. Maybe you can see how it measures up once it is reposted.
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eldave1
Posted: December 26th, 2018, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ifinshigwa
Hi All, Thank you for your feed back, I have reformatted the script using the Celtx. Maybe you can see how it measures up once it is reposted.


Sounds good


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Ifinshigwa
Posted: December 31st, 2018, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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I think Don has reposted the earlier script instead of the one I reworked. I have shot him an email. Please ignore this one.
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Ifinshigwa
Posted: January 3rd, 2019, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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The reformatted script has now been re-posited as a result of the feed back from this discussion board. Thanks particularly to  eldave1,HyperMatt, Dreamscale, and Matthew Taylor, for you input.
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eldave1
Posted: January 3rd, 2019, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Whitney: Good news and bad news. The bad news is that page one is filled with problems. The good news, is that the pages that follow are in much better shape. So - page one.


Quoted Text
THE ANIMAL CATCHERS


Don't put your title on the first page. That is what the title page is for.


Quoted Text
FADE IN


Should be: FADE IN:


Quoted Text
EXT. SAVANNAH FOREST-DAY


Missing a spaces by the hyphen - should be:

EXT. SAVANNAH FOREST - DAY


Quoted Text
A lion yawns and just as it is about to settle down raises
his ears and peering intently, (p.o.v.) notices a hardly
discernible dust cloud dancing in the shimmering heat. The
cloud gets nearer and clearer, and separates into three,
each trailing behind a dot. The dots become larger and
larger, so do the clouds trailing them as they advance. The
lion lies low as we hear GRINDING GEARS. He lion flicks one
ear.
THREE TRUCKS AND A JEEP are laboring uphill and getting
closer where the lion is. Suddenly the front one comes to a
halt.
INT. TRUCK CAB-DAY
TED MAXWELL, A weather-beaten man in his fifties with marked
lines on his face from narrowing his eyes against the sun,
cuts the engine. Beside him is NANCY, his wife about 40
years old.
Maxwell climbs out and holds his hand up for the other
trucks to stop. He is wearing full khaki bush gear. He drops
his hand and takes out a pair of binoculars from behind the
driverís seat and SLAMS the door of the truck with a
hand-painted sign.
TED MAXWELL
BIG GAME HUNTER
KENYA
Maxwell walks around the front of the truck and lifts the
hood standing back from the cloud of steam that is gashing
out at him. He nods to one of THE CREW standing in the back
of the truck. The man jumps out with a 5-gallon can. He
tells the man in the local language, to wait for the engine
to cool off and starts off towards a rock outcrop some 50
feet away.
Maxwell walks past the lion 30 feet away to his left.
The lion is lying low watching him as he approaches a rock
outcrop. Maxwell heaves himself up after a couple of tries
and stands on the highest point of the rock. He squints his
eyes and peers into the distance with his naked eyes.
He peers through the dancing heat as he surveys the horizon.
He uses his binoculars to focus at a hint of green. He sees
the greenery much more focused now. He leaps from the
outcrop and heads almost for the lion. He suddenly stops in
his tracks as the lion rises to attack or flee. He
impulsively hurls the binoculars hitting the lion on the
side.
The lion takes off passing by the trucks to the DERISION and
CHEERS of the crew.


All of this needs to be broken up by line spaces. Written as is, it would look like:

A lion yawns and just as it is about to settle down raises
his ears and peering intently, (p.o.v.) notices a hardly
discernible dust cloud dancing in the shimmering heat.

The cloud gets nearer and clearer, and separates into three,
each trailing behind a dot.

The dots become larger and larger, so do the clouds trailing them as they advance. The
lion lies low as we hear GRINDING GEARS. He lion flicks one
ear.

THREE TRUCKS AND A JEEP are laboring uphill and getting
closer where the lion is. Suddenly the front one comes to a
halt.

INT. TRUCK CAB - DAY

TED MAXWELL, A weather-beaten man in his fifties with marked
lines on his face from narrowing his eyes against the sun,
cuts the engine. Beside him is NANCY, his wife about 40
years old.

Maxwell climbs out and holds his hand up for the other
trucks to stop. He is wearing full khaki bush gear. He drops
his hand and takes out a pair of binoculars from behind the
driverís seat and SLAMS the door of the truck with a
hand-painted sign: TED MAXWELL - BIG GAME HUNTER
KENYA.

Maxwell walks around the front of the truck and lifts the
hood standing back from the cloud of steam that is gashing
out at him.

He nods to one of THE CREW standing in the back
of the truck.

The man jumps out with a 5-gallon can. He
tells the man in the local language, to wait for the engine
to cool off and starts off towards a rock outcrop some 50
feet away.

Maxwell walks past the lion 30 feet away to his left.
The lion is lying low watching him as he approaches a rock
outcrop.

Maxwell heaves himself up after a couple of tries
and stands on the highest point of the rock. He squints his
eyes and peers into the distance with his naked eyes.

He peers through the dancing heat as he surveys the horizon.
He uses his binoculars to focus at a hint of green. He sees
the greenery much more focused now.

He leaps from the outcrop and heads almost for the lion. He suddenly stops in
his tracks as the lion rises to attack or flee. He
impulsively hurls the binoculars hitting the lion on the
side.

The lion takes off passing by the trucks to the DERISION and
CHEERS of the crew.

My recommendation is to add a space every time there is a discernible change in action. Try to avoid action blocks that are longer than 4 lines.

And the above still needs work from an efficiency and format perspective. For example - the lion should be CAPPED when first intro'd.

Write actively: e.g., this:


Quoted Text
The lion is lying low watching him as he approaches a rock
outcrop.


Better as:

The lion lies low, watches him as he approaches a rock
outcrop.

You can't do this:


Quoted Text
The man jumps out with a 5-gallon can. He
tells the man in the local language, to wait for the engine
to cool off and starts off towards a rock outcrop some 50
feet away.


It should be something like:

The man jumps out with a 5-gallon can.

MAN
(Swahili, subtitled)
Wait for the engine
to cool off.

Overall - you need to avoid guessing how something should be done and start googling it. i.e., in the above - how to format subtitle in screenplay.

Read some scripts - will also help.

Like I said - the following pages are much improved - so you are the right path


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Ifinshigwa
Posted: January 4th, 2019, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Thank you eldave1 for your advise. I reformat and rewrite.
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eldave1
Posted: January 4th, 2019, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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You're welcome


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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