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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Bad Girls Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 27th, 2019, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bad Girls by Nikki Cox - Action, Adventure, Comedy - The clock is ticking when two female detectives set forth to take down the biggest Drug Lord New York has ever seen. In which they thought they were taking down a criminal they get more than they can handle when finding out they're taking down a respected Councilman running for Mayor. 115 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Gerasimos
Posted: January 27th, 2019, 11:12am Report to Moderator
Red



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Dear Nikki,
went through the first 10, then jumped fast to the end.
First and foremost, check your script formatting. Download a free software, and do this properly. Scene headers is the number one missing there.
Why so many capitals?
Long chunks of action and dialogue. Regarding the first, rule of thumb is 3 lines at most.
First time introduced, characters' names should be in capitals.
Your action style looks to me extremely dull/colorless; no emotion, no feelings, no description of the surroundings, etc.


Features:
KTT Part ONE - The Polar Cabal
KTT Part TWO - Burning Wings
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY


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Lost Souls
When Angels Sing
Fair Trade
The Dream Mile

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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: February 16th, 2019, 10:59am Report to Moderator
Red


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Just read the first page, and ran across something that I do quite a lot in dialogue. Here's a quick exchange:

MIKE BURNET - I'll give it a few more minutes then we're going in.

RED CAHILL - Just relax. They know what they're doing. If something is wrong they will let us know. Let's wait it out. It is their bust after all.

In my first drafts, for some reason, I end up with dialogue like Red's. He is essentially saying "Let's wait" five times in a row but in slightly different ways. I don't know how others feel, but I think if you chose the best of those five sentences, the script would move a lot quicker, Red's response would feel cooler, and it would leave a bit of mystery for the reader.
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