SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 18th, 2019, 11:48pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Bad Girls Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Bad Girls  (currently 405 views)
Don
Posted: January 27th, 2019, 10:09am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13206
Posts Per Day
1.95
Bad Girls by Nikki Cox - Action, Adventure, Comedy - Two female detectives Latoya Burns and Alex Mitchells risk everything they love when they attempt to take down Drug Lord City Councilman Donovan Murphy. 117 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 2nd, 2019, 8:30am
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
Gerasimos
Posted: January 27th, 2019, 11:12am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
89
Posts Per Day
0.17
Dear Nikki,
went through the first 10, then jumped fast to the end.
First and foremost, check your script formatting. Download a free software, and do this properly. Scene headers is the number one missing there.
Why so many capitals?
Long chunks of action and dialogue. Regarding the first, rule of thumb is 3 lines at most.
First time introduced, characters' names should be in capitals.
Your action style looks to me extremely dull/colorless; no emotion, no feelings, no description of the surroundings, etc.


Features:
KTT Part ONE - The Polar Cabal
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
ARAGORN - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY


SHORTS:
Lost Souls
When Angels Sing
Fair Trade
The Dream Mile

My facebook script page
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: February 16th, 2019, 10:59am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
85
Posts Per Day
0.04
Just read the first page, and ran across something that I do quite a lot in dialogue. Here's a quick exchange:

MIKE BURNET - I'll give it a few more minutes then we're going in.

RED CAHILL - Just relax. They know what they're doing. If something is wrong they will let us know. Let's wait it out. It is their bust after all.

In my first drafts, for some reason, I end up with dialogue like Red's. He is essentially saying "Let's wait" five times in a row but in slightly different ways. I don't know how others feel, but I think if you chose the best of those five sentences, the script would move a lot quicker, Red's response would feel cooler, and it would leave a bit of mystery for the reader.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
JayF
Posted: March 28th, 2019, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
7
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hi Nikki,

Went through the first 15-20 pages. Off the top, it was a lot of fun to read. Your main, Latoya, speaks in such a fun and distinctive voice that I can easily picture her hair flying, gun drawn, screaming out at everyone.

However, as mentioned, your action description is dull. Sounds more like an instruction book.

Your text:
Man 2 jumps up and attempts to punch Burns in the face. Man 2
and Burns fight before she knocks him out cold. Burns grabs
her gun and jacket off of the man. As she leaves the room a
man comes running out the other room in front of her and sees
the gun in her hand and badge. He attempts to shoot at Burns.
Burns raises her gun first and gets a head shot.

Try:
Man 2 jumps up, swinging wildly at Burns.

She dodges, slamming her fist into his gut. Doubled over, she nails him in the face with her knee, sending him ass over teakettle, knocking him out cold.

She grabs her gun and jacket, but before she can leave there is someone else.

He sees her gun, her badge.

BANG! He fires wide.

BANG! She doesn't.


Think about how the camera would "see" things. You can't leave it up to the imagination of your audience.
And, of course, do NOT say "CAMERA POV", or "We see", or "CAMERA PANS". This takes the reader out of the world you are trying to create for them. It can tough to do, but I'm sure you will figure it out.

Cheers. Keep at it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006