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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Lady Crimson Moderators: bert
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  Author    Lady Crimson  (currently 301 views)
Posted: May 23rd, 2019, 1:50pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Lady Crimson by Iannis Aliferis - Action, Adventure, Noir, Thriller - A psychopathic aristocrat hires an infamous assassin to kill his wife, after failing to do so himself, but the killer falls for her considerable charms and plans to protect her from her husband. 88 pages - pdf format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 26th, 2020, 11:09am
revised draft
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Posted: May 24th, 2019, 10:41am Report to Moderator

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The noir tag caught my attention. I have a soft spot for this genre, and feel it has been criminally underused in recent years. So, I gave the first 10 pages a go. I'll start with the goods.

Right off the bat, I enjoyed the opening. It's eerie and mysterious and paints a good picture. And that's the other thing that I like. You have an emphasis on color in the script(that I assume is going to be important to the story) that gives off a graphic novel type vibe. Have you considered this avenue for the story?

Now, here's some feedback on things I picked up on that could use some tweaking. Overall, your writing is pretty good. As I said, you paint a good picture. The downside to that is, it's overwritten for a screenplay.

Quoted Text
A man in his early thirties, WOLF, rugged good looks, black
hair, unshaven, dark suit, walks through the grass and bushes
of a park and reaches an empty bench. He watches as some
joggers run past and then looks at his watch. A man in his
early fifties, NIKOS, puffy cheeks, balding hairline, sits on
the same bench holding on to a newspaper and a sandwich. He
takes a bite from the sandwich and opens the newspaper in
front of him to read.

That's a big block of text without any breakage. Try something along the lines of:

"WOLF - 30s's. Rugged good looks matching his name, dressed sharply in black - approaches an empty bench and sits.

JOGGERS run past and he looks from them to his watch.

NIKOS - 50's and puffy - approaches and sits on the other side of the bench, newspaper and sandwich in hand. He takes a bite from the sandwich and opens the paper. "

This is one example, and I caught several. Breaks help the flow of the read and prevent it from appearing too wordy and overwritten.

Quoted Text
Amber is walking along a pavement

Amber walks along the pavement.

Or even, "Amber passes a produce display and stops to peruse the fruit."

Quoted Text
Wolf is hiding across the street from the motel. He takes out
black leather gloves and wears them.

Wolf hides across the street. He puts on black leather gloves.

Things like that. Just little tweaks that go a long way. I'd punch up your dialogue a bit, too. I noticed some punctuation errors and some of it is a little stilted. Again, just some minor tweaks needed.

Overall, from what I gathered of the first 10 pages, you've done well, and this really has potential. Don't stop now!
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