I'm pretty new to the world of screenplay writing. I've always wanted to do one and have been working on a few right now, one of which is an adaptation. I feel that my language isn't quite as descriptive or colorful as it should be. Did any of you have problems with this when you first started? When reading through everything that I have written for the different screenplays (no I haven't finished any of them yet, it's a long slow process for me with lots of breaks) I begin to feel a little discouraged. Here's an example of what i wrote for an adaptation:

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BOY enters the main hall of HOUSE NAME. NAME, NAME, and NAME stand at the side of the large chair which FEMALE sits upon. NAME, NAME, and NAME stand to the side. Everyone watches as BOY enters, his eyes to the ground and he bows before FEMALE.

FEMALE
Do you know what this day marks, BOY?

BOY
No, Matron Mother

FEMALE
You have breathed the air of CITY NAME for sixteen years. An important period of your life has passed.

BOY continues to look down as he kneels in front of FEMALE.

FEMALE:
Stand BOY, and look at me.

His eyes widen, he is obviously unsure of what to do. He stands up but continues to look down.

FEMALE: (slight irritation in her voice)
Look at me.

BOY is visibly nervous as he raises his head and looks at FEMALE .

FEMALE
Your tenure as page prince is ended. You are now secondboy of HOUSE NAME now and are accorded all the…

BOY lowers his head again.

FEMALE (FURIOUS)
Look at me!

BOY looks up just in time to see her fist coming at him. He falls down from the blow. FEMALE stands over him.

FEMALE
No more a servant! To continue acting like one would bring disgrace to our family.
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This is obviously edited with the names taken out. Does this look alright to you all though? How did you all improve? I keep catching myself wanting to write it like I would a story. This is difficult but I am determined to finish. Any tips would be wonderful.

Thanks!
  

Fatty, I am also new to screenplay writing. i just started last August. I have completed several shorts and a couple of features in that time. I am currently working on an adaptation, which is an entirely different thing.  My advice is to read loads of scripts, by board  members,  and of course produced scripts

   I have to watch myself as I notice you did,  to show not tell. "He is obviously unsure what to do", is a good example of this in your script. What does that mean exactly? What would your character do to show that he is unsure of what to do? That is  what you want to put on your action lines. Keep them punchy, short, and  to the point.  However they do not, in my opinion, have to be completely devoid of any color whatsoever. The action lines should lead you to your dialog, introduce characters and describe the setting of your scenes.

   It just takes practice, is all I can tell you. I would complete a short first, even if it is only a few pages.  Then you can have the satisfaction that you completed your first script.  Above all listen to the advice of the very informed and intelligent members of long standing on the board. They won't cut you any slack on your work, but you will get better. Good luck and keep on posting, Marvin.

  

I think this is pretty good for a start.

Try to remember to get into the scene late and leave early. Also remember that each scene should have a beginning, middle, and end, and it should further the story (make it different somehow) and bring it to the next scene (which would also do the same thing).

Maybe at the end of this scene you might have the woman lift the boy's chin, building him up. Giving him hope. Making his demeanor different than what it was at the beginning of the scene. ???

That confidence could carry over into the next scene where he may or may not have to overcome something, and he may or may not have to struggle with his feelings.

I hope I have helped. Good luck with it.
And like I said at the beginning, I think you have a good start.

Oh, and also follow screenwriting format. Without that you'll be sunk.

Good luck,
Cindy

If you are someone who naturally likes to write in a prose like fashion...I would suggest writing it out in that way at first, finish the story and then make a screenplay from what you've written.

I actually think this is the best way of doing things anyway.

With prose you can deal with the characters internal thought process. It's easier to have that thought process down on paper and then try to think of visual ways of representing the same thing, rather than trying to do it straight away.

In terms of pure description...that's really an easy fix. Just read professional scripts and make note of examples of description you like and emulate it.

There's a kind of cheat you can use that I know has worked for some acquaintances. You get 100 pro scripts, all by different writers and of different genres and merely write them all out by hand, exactly the same. This might take about three months. You'll commit to memory a variety of ways the best writers do things

My launguage wasn't descriptive and colourful to any degree when I first started, nor were my scripts in proper format or the least bit interesting. When I wasn't getting the comments I was hoping for I felt a little down (sometimes I feel the same when planning out a feature, i get discouraged and leave it to rot) but honestly, the negative comments are the best you can get. Allow people to man handle your script, beat it down, bloody it up, and hurl it back at you...OK maybe that's an exaggeration, people are great here, my point is take all negative comments in with open arms, you'll learn much faster that way.

I think it's rather amusing when I see people trying too hard to get too colorful or punchy with their wordings in a screenplay.  

SHORT BURST OF INFO.
INTRUSIVE DIALOGUE.

That's what makes a good screenplay.  Don't weight it down with too much dialouge and  don't weight it down with too much information.  Be as crude and blunt as you possibly can when writing your story.

(And by the way, it's dialogue, not dialog.  I don't care what anyone says.)  

Hey Baltis, it's true it is not spelled "dialog" but it is not spelled "dialouge" either. So before you make a big deal out of somebody else's spelling check out your own.
I try to participate on the board here and learn. Maybe I'm not the great Baltis, who knows all, but I try share my limited knowledge with other new members. I don't know what really good produced scripts you read, but many of the ones that I read are quite "punchy and colorful. Sorry if I'm sounding a little mean spirited, but it was so obvious that you were referring to my thread. And yet you didn't have the courage or respect for me to say so. But just like all the accomplished writers on the board, I appreciate and value your opinion.  Marvin.  

Quoted from marvink Hey Baltis, it's true it is not spelled "dialog" but it is not spelled "dialouge" either. So before you make a big deal out of somebody else's spelling check out your own. I try to participate on the board here and learn. Maybe I'm not the great Baltis, who knows all, but I try share my limited knowledge with other new members. I don't know what really good produced scripts you read, but many of the ones that I read are quite "punchy and colorful. Sorry if I'm sounding a little mean spirited, but it was so obvious that you were referring to my thread. And yet you didn't have the courage or respect for me to say so. But just like all the accomplished writers on the board, I appreciate and value your opinion.  Marvin.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/netdict/dialogue

Shut the fuck up.  You spell it wrong and then call me out on it?  hahahah, Kiss fuck dude.  "mine, which I won't correct, is the account of using a cell phone"

And more importantly, I don't even know who you are.  Or care for that matter.  I've never read a script one of yours and or thread... Your limited "knowledge" spewing, like others of the same nature, is why other people's scripts suck.  Next time you try and pin point a sharp tounged comment of mine, use a little less chest pounding and stop thinking everything revolves around you and your limited knowledge.

I love Balt's speeling mishtakes. He make smile when others make woe. More power to you big arms.

I'd make this quote of the day but Balt's antics have filled that thread, as well as another young lady's....

"Shut the f*** up."

Classic Big B.

Now. If only I could phrase stuf like that. Timing. It's. Everything. For humourous purposes. Oooh. Lost it there at the end. Balt woulda managed it.

Now.

marvink. Whatcha think B just woke up or what. He maya done but cop yurself on.

R

Nah, R, I know I did spell it wrong the (1) time... But I didn't declare how it was spelt until the very end of my post.  I, at the time of writing it, was using my phone to boot.

Keep in mind, I spelt "DIALOGUE" 3 different times in that post.  Two of which were correct.  

1 - Before I misspelled it.
&
2 - After I had misspelled it.

So, going with that mindset, we know I know how to spell it the "RIGHT" way.  

What that Dick Spoon pointed out was a typo and he thought "oh, I'm gonna get him good now".  But he didn't.  He's an opportunistic  Anal Bead.  Did I mean to spell it with a "U" in front of the "G" first?  No... I didn't.  I didn't even know I did spell it wrong until after the fact.  "hence why I won't change my fuck up".

The defense rest.

Normally Balt that last effort would be QOTD in my book. Where did I leave it? I betcha me keys are on top. However I have another in mind.

Some fellas need to cop themselves on. And the Balt ain;t one of dem.

Keep it cooking

Or else it'll be roobish

Like me tea was

again

Where's that fecking cooking booking think?

R

I think what you have here is pretty fine, Fatty.  The parethetical should be formatted beneath the character's name.  I personally don't have a problem with the "His eyes widen, he is obviously unsure of what to do" line since I can visualize the acting beat.

I agree with what decandence is saying.  Read plenty of pro scripts.

All I can say is sorry to fatty_limpkin. All this ranting, that apparently my thread started is not helping you any. I apologize for that.

And to Baltis,  Sorry if I pissed you off, it was not my intention. I was just having a bad  day yesterday. Sorry,  have a good day   Marvin K. Perkins. (my actual name) maybe someday you will know who I am, but probably not.

Thanks for the help guys! I'm about halfway through with the adaptation. I find myself dreading going back to it, but then when I start I find it very difficult to stop. I'll keep at it though, thanks!