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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    General Boards    Questions or Comments  ›  Need help! Dark Organs
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  Author    Need help! Dark Organs  (currently 96 views)
BillyJ
Posted: September 26th, 2020, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey everyone, I came to realise and sort of already knew it that I am writing too emotionally well I donít know if thatís a right word, check out my latest script - dark organs on drama and Dave is right, itís too descriptive?
Would you all say itís too descriptive I need to learn? And how do I go about changing it, same with the dialogue, is it too much? How do I change it I mean how does it get better?
Please tell me Iím improving at least from scapegoat guilty to dark organs I want to write so bad and I might suck, can people tell a learning curve from scapegoat guilty to dark organs or are they both the same?
Any books thatís not save the cat or Joseph Campbell or the idea, really would be helpful Iíll buy them tonight if you can send the titles. Help me! Thankyou

+++++++++++++
Don's Edit

Dark Organs can be found at: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1599834338/

Scapegoat Guilty can be found here: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1596657322/

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 26th, 2020, 1:32pm
Clarified title
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eldave1
Posted: September 26th, 2020, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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IMO, the first five of Dark Organs is written much better than the first five of Scapegoat Billy.

I am not sure what that gets you other than I personally see some improvement,

Most people here have dedicated years to learning (reading books and articles on screenwriting), reading screenplays, etc etc,  That is what they did:

- Took classes
- Read books
- Google topics they needed help in and read them and practiced what they learned. For example, you can Google "how to write dialogue" and you'll find a weeks worth of free articles that will help you.
- Read scripts. For example, re just completed an OWC that was dialogue-based.  Read all of those scripts. It will take you less than a day.

You will honestly get far more out of the above than you will by comparing one of your features to another.

Your three biggest weaknesses as a writer right now are:

1. Way too wordy in action and description. For your next feature make an objective of limiting every action block to a max of two lines.

If you want to see a script with crisp and clean action - read Honey Mustard on this site (Horror).

2. Keep your dialogue blocks to a max of three lines. People do not speak in paragraphs.  

3. Unfilmables - these are riddled throughout both of your scripts. Look at every line of all your work and ask yourself - what I wrote - can it actually be seen or heard?  If it doesn't pass that test it's unfilmable and should go.

Long winded way of saying you don't really need help from others to learn how to write. No one has the magic word that is going to get you to point B from point A. However, there are tons of things you can do on your own.









My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BillyJ
Posted: September 26th, 2020, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey thanks for editing that Don and Thankyou Dave for helping me ok I promise Iíll take that all on board and with that next script I will improve on that aswell,  I really do fucking love you all, this is a place (an invisible place) that takes me away from everything and I know I sound too emotional here but I really fucking appreciate you all, youíve given me hope. Anyway thanks again, and keep safe.
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eldave1
Posted: September 26th, 2020, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Not a problem. Keep at it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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