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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Botched Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Botched by Derrick James Jackson - Comedy - A young man named Chris, who works at a lingerie store, finds himself in love and in danger as a pair of assassins confuse their target with him.  Together, Chris and Amy run for their lives from three law enforcement agencies and the assassins in a search to clear his name. - pdf, format


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dejack03
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 12:44am Report to Moderator
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So this is my first finished script.  All criticism is welcome.
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MidnightGiant
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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The concept seems dull and boring.
The characters all seem the same in that they all are trying to be funny.
The comedy/jokes are all forced and even then they're not that funny.
The lawn gnomes with guns was pretty cool.  If I ever have lawn gnomes..  Those would be the kind I'd chose.

And I couldn't even bring myself to finish it.  Sorry.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Shudder, this was boring and I couldn't really finish it. The jokes, if there were any, weren't funny and the characters are dull, and as Shudder said, they try and be funny.

And I really don't iike waiting to find out someone's name if they say it later on, but the writer keeps their character's name as "Man" or "Woman" or in your case "Hottie". I kept on reading to finally find out her name was Amy.

Why would Chris be embarrassed to tell his friend, Eric, that he works in a lingerie store when he just got a date with this supposedly "hottie" who said that she likes men who work in feminine stores? I mean, if I got a date with a hot woman because I worked in a lingerie store, I would be excited and keep working there for more offers. But not with the old lady, though...

Yeah this is my review. It's probably not as helpful as you thought it would have been, but there really wasn't much to say. Shudder simply said it all for me.

Sean


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dejack03
Posted: January 7th, 2006, 1:14am Report to Moderator
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You guys made good points.  Some of the errors, like AMY being referred to as HOTTIE (a placemarker I carelessly left in   ), it all just has to come out upon peer review I guess.

Back to the gnawing board.
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