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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  A Day In Our Town Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 12th, 2006, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Day In Our Town by Jonathan Morales (shogun) - Comedy - Catch Up with a bunch of teens from Jersey as they invite you into their lives. 102 pages - pdf, format


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rjw8625
Posted: October 15th, 2006, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Been Gone A While, Still Plugging Away

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Jonathan,

I've only gotten through the first five pages.  It doesn't look like you even gave this one look after you finished.  These pages are rife with mistakes.

Page 1.  I don't understand the character description of Joseph at all.  Your introductions in general are strange.  If a certain number of people are in a scene, they should all be decribed at the beginning, not when its their turn to talk.  Also, you don't need to supply character traits in these.  These don't translate to the screen.  You have to show us that the ladies love Ernie.  Also, we aren't going to know that he recently came out of the closet just by looking at him.  I'm not really one to talk, I did this in my first short script.  But the key is learning from it.

Pages 2 and 3.  Don't capitalize any dialogue.  It seems like you do that when characters say each other's names.   It's unnecessary.

Page 4.  Misspellings/typos.  
homosexually - homosexual
defiantly - definitely
phase - phrase

Page 5.  Your use of BEAT is wrong.  It is not a scene action.  Place it in parentheses.  Something like this (yeah I know the dialogue lines are too wide):

JOSEPH
Yeah. That's what the word uniform
means.
(beat)
Ray, that would have been a perfect
time to slap him.


Anyway, I will try to keep reading and comment on the story itself later.

-Bob


My scripts

Can Grab - (Short)

In Development

Logan St. - Feature length Drama examining the collegiate life.

Fortnight - Short drama chronicling two weeks in the personal and professional life of a young woman.

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Carving Dragon Productions
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MonetteBooks
Posted: October 15th, 2006, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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The above post  is very good advice. I'll just add that the word "beat" has now fallen into disuse. Better to say he or she "pauses", "grows silent", "hesitates" or some some.

I don't mind a few typos, misspells,  and grammer slips--but I have to quit reading when it's excessive. That just means it needs  a tune-up, so the story itself won't be hurt.
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Shogun
Posted: October 15th, 2006, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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The Champ Is Here

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Thanks guys will do...

Anything else... would be helpful...

Jonathan Morales
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