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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Red Balloons and Rollercoasters Moderators: bert
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  Author    Red Balloons and Rollercoasters  (currently 5523 views)
Limey
Posted: February 17th, 2008, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
Right I'm up to page 30 and I'm gonna stop cos Ant and Dec are on -did I just say that!

Ant and Dec!?! Mate, that really hurts... worse than a kick in the nuts. Not sure I can ever forgive this  


Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Limey  -  February 17th, 2008, 7:38am
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alffy
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OK I’m back…

Beth reads her book on the night bus?  I guess it’s pretty late as Ben and Matt have been drinking so it just seems a bit weird that Beth is sat on a bus of drunks reading.

I may have read this wrong but when they are roller skating I thought Matt was in front, as he pushed Ben away, but Soph pushes Matt in front of Ben?  Oh wait I get it now…they skating backwards aren’t they lol.

The toilet scene is very funny, had me chuckling as I pictured it.

The chat between Ben and Soph was good, it showed how the characters are getting closer and showed them in a serious light.

‘Thanks for the sex, you tried really hard’ ouch! Lol

I like the way you describe the looks between the characters but I’m not sure everyone will take to them?

Love the Uri Geller joke.

Pooley’s character is funny.

Jesus, page 96 and I think I’ve seen my first grammatical error, you missed out ‘a’ I think when David says ‘let’s go for walk’?

A nice Spinal Tap reference thrown in there.

When David slaps Ben’s hands, wouldn’t David notice his cut and wouldn’t Ben show some pain?

Oh so close…a camera direction right at the end! Lol.  I know it was the only way to show what you wanted so I’ll let you off.

OK finished, sorry I didn’t comment much in the second half.  It’s not cos I was bored or anything, I was too involved lol.  Like I mentioned, I only noticed one mistake which is very impressive.  I didn’t think I’d like this as much as I did, not really my kind of movie but I guess the best thing I can say about it is…If I had to take our lass to the cinema to watch something romantic I’d pick this hands down.  The comedy was really funny and the twist at the end came out of the blue to me, I only twig moments before.

This was very impressive and I really enjoyed it.  My only negative comment will be that it was a bit wet at the end lol.  Shouldn’t finish with a negative comment but that’s the only thing I could come up with.

Good stuff Adam.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Limey
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Hey Alffy

Thanks for the read, mate - hope all the romantic slush didn't impinge too much on your no nonsense northerness    


Quoted from alffy
I have to admit Ben is very likeable character.  The awkward flirting and using comedy as a distraction from it, it kinda reminds me of… well a younger me lol.

Ha ha, we've all been there


Quoted from alffy
Also the comedy is a bit relentless at the moment.  It’s very funny, I’ve chuckled out loud a few times, and got some strange stares from my fiancée in the process but 30 pages in I’m still waiting for the story to really kick in.  I guess the flashbacks play an important role?

Guess it builds a bit slowly for you, then. When did you "get into it" (or didn't you?  )


Quoted from alffy
Beth reads her book on the night bus?  I guess it’s pretty late as Ben and Matt have been drinking so it just seems a bit weird that Beth is sat on a bus of drunks reading.

London's a strange place! You do see it now and then but I guess it does come across as odd. Maybe I could just have her listening to an iPod or something.


Quoted from alffy
The toilet scene is very funny, had me chuckling as I pictured it.

Ha ha, it's based on personal experience - beer, skates and urinals don't mix.


Quoted from alffy
A nice Spinal Tap reference thrown in there.

Glad someone picked up on it. Awesome film.


Quoted from alffy
When David slaps Ben’s hands, wouldn’t David notice his cut and wouldn’t Ben show some pain?

Yes, very good point sir. I'll have to sort that out


Quoted from alffy
I didn’t think I’d like this as much as I did, not really my kind of movie but I guess the best thing I can say about it is…If I had to take our lass to the cinema to watch something romantic I’d pick this hands down.  The comedy was really funny and the twist at the end came out of the blue to me, I only twig moments before.

Thanks for persevering - hope it wasn't too painful  


Quoted from alffy
My only negative comment will be that it was a bit wet at the end lol.  Shouldn’t finish with a negative comment but that’s the only thing I could come up with.

Yeah, need to tone it down a bit. I'm just a big old softy.


Cheers

Adam



Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/
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alffy
Posted: February 18th, 2008, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Limey

hope all the romantic slush didn't impinge too much on your no nonsense northerness    


Lol...after reading this I had to go stand outside for over an hour in the freezing cold with my shirt off, just so I felt northern again.


Quoted from Limey

When did you "get into it" (or didn't you?  )


Straight away.


Quoted from Limey

Thanks for persevering - hope it wasn't too painful  


Not at all, it was very entertaining.  In my opinion, this is much better than most of the romantic cack Hollywood throws on us.




Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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RobertSpence
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Adam,
          Just finished your script and I have to say, it's great. There are many things in this script which make it stand out from other romantic comedies that are released today, and that dimension of Britishness you bring to it makes this screenplay succesful in a large way.

PLOT - Firstly, no argues with the plot at all. I feel everything you brought up, you tied off effectively with no large loose ends, well done with that. Only problem I have is with the whole Beth introduction. I feel she was a good character and you could have shown another meeting with Ben and her before introducing her to Matt and Soph. I think this was done too quicky, I mean she "dumps" him when it was alluded they only arranged to meet like once. I feel yes, this character was integral to trying to make Soph jealous and for revealing other things, but maybe just a little scene added in there would make it look ok when she turns around and decides to end things because then the reader/audience will actually believe they went out, if you get what I am saying. As for your ending, I loved it, taking us back to the Pier that virtually destroyed Ben was a very good idea to convey how he has beaten it and forgiven his brother. However I feel you could add a few more signs throughout the script to show just how affected Ben is by what happened to him. Oh and that reminds me, only one thing bothered me. Page 31 - Not a strong enough reason not to get the cab home, I feel something else should cause him not to get in. Yeah this was needed so he could meet Beth but I don't think "his morals" is a good enough reason. I got strong morals but I wouldn't pass up a taxi journey, even if the driver was a fake (let alone let my mate get in the car).


CHARACTERISATION - Nothing wrong with any of your characters other than the fact I feel Beth could be used more. Ben is pretty solid, has many dimensions and he is your protagonist which is what you want. I started to dislike Matt throughout, seemed like a large perv, aye a bit pervy is fine but he just starts to become a complete wally. No real arguments with Soph, but there are some moments where she comes across as completely annoying, which brings me to the punching issue. Why does she keep doing that? Maybe a couple of playful punches but I she kept doing it and it kept getting more annoying. Slightly reminded me of a girl Joey dated in "Friends" that kept pounding him everytime he told a joke. Pooley was great in the few scenes he was in. His one liners were great and he lightened the mood when it struck. Liked when they were in the pub ad he was eavesdropping on the girls conversations and replies with bollocks and so on. He is a great character and serves his purpose.

DIALOGUE - Youre dialogue was very good throughout the script. No real moments where I thought it lacked. You did a great job in making me laugh out loud at certain points. More of it in the first act of story. Lines like "Give me cheeky", "there's a lot of your arse" and "Girl, you're going to be walking like John Wayne" were fantastic.

Genre - Because I'm really into the rom com genre, I took one look at this and started to read. But as I read Mike saying above, it would be hard to categorise this script because there is a lage case of drama throughout. In terms of bankability, I think you have a good concept and a fairly original story. Unlike my script which I totally looked back and picked up upon, I can see that everything you have added to your script was highly thought out and original, no cliches and so on. I also like this because it is British and the dialogue was genuine. I could see this script being made because the budget would be next to nothing, and because you are from London you could possibly try Working Title. Loved the jammy dodgers line, they are that damn good.

STRUCTURE - Good, everything happened when it needed to in order to continue the story.

EFFECTS - I read above and some people didn't like the timer type thing evertime you took us back to Brighton. I thought it was unique and should definetely stay in the script. Yeah, cliche as it is, I didn't see any montages or anything in the script. Maybe this could add a few things, possibly about Ben meeting with Beth.

Overall, I thought your script was very good, had a unique voice, great spin on a somewhat predictable genre, and your great sense of realism made me identify with the characters and plot. Good work, a pretty solid script.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scripts

Reservoir Pups

Short Comedy 14 pages

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1348865321/

The Break-Up Chronicles


Short Comedy/Drama 20 pages

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1388849749/s-0/#num4
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Limey
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Hey Robert

Thanks for reading this, mate, I really appreciate it.


Quoted from RobertSpence
I feel she [Beth] was a good character and you could have shown another meeting with Ben and her before introducing her to Matt and Soph. I think this was done too quicky, I mean she "dumps" him when it was alluded they only arranged to meet like once. I feel yes, this character was integral to trying to make Soph jealous and for revealing other things, but maybe just a little scene added in there would make it look ok when she turns around and decides to end things because then the reader/audience will actually believe they went out, if you get what I am saying.

You're the second person to mention this, so I guess it's something I need to take another look at. I did have a scene or two of them dating but felt they ultimately just slowed things down. I'll see what I can come up with.


Quoted from RobertSpence
Page 31 - Not a strong enough reason not to get the cab home, I feel something else should cause him not to get in. Yeah this was needed so he could meet Beth but I don't think "his morals" is a good enough reason.

It was also included to show just how strong his morals are and that he's a bit sanctimonious but I agree there's something about it that doesn't quite work. Something to look at in the next rewrite.


Quoted from RobertSpence
Soph, but there are some moments where she comes across as completely annoying, which brings me to the punching issue. Why does she keep doing that?

Again, you're the second person to bring it up so it'll be getting some attention in the rewrite  


Quoted from RobertSpence
I could see this script being made because the budget would be next to nothing

Yeah, I tried to keep locations etc minimal. Fingers crossed it works!


Quoted from RobertSpence
I read above and some people didn't like the timer type thing evertime you took us back to Brighton. I thought it was unique and should definetely stay in the script.

Good man, I agree!  


Thanks again for the read. Good to know I'm not the only RomCom fan out there  

Cheers

Adam



Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/
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Scoob
Posted: February 19th, 2008, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Adam,


Quoted Text
Careful... Ben Stiller's one of those people I'd never get tired of hitting in the face >


Heh, I dont mind him but sorry for making a reference to someone you obviously are not too keen on I was thinking more of his character from Something About Mary in resemblance.


Quoted Text
Anything you think I could change to have got you into it faster?


I think the way you have it start out is fine, it was just me trying to really grasp who the characters were and then finding what was going to happen. I dont think the plot really opens up until the 20-25 page part and I think that is pretty much perfect. I wouldnt really change much from the first act - but the humour on from this point was much more funnier and seemed more fluent and continuous from that point on.


Quoted Text
Thanks. I've tried to put some real drama into the script rather than the watered down nods towards conflict you usually get in RomComs. Glad you think it works.


I think you did a great job. You made it clear how serious an illness it was and the drama worked but it never made the script become morbid because there was always a light hearted moment that followed. I thought you dealt with the issue really well and in a very respectable manner.  There are some comedies that just like to be in bad taste for the sake of it and there is a time for every taste, but Im glad you took this route as it suits the script and it did give it more depth and feeling.



Quoted Text
Did that red herring work? It's really hard to counter the genre expectation that everything's going to work out


It worked for me, I was getting pretty concerned! It seems a couple of other readers did also so I would say it worked very well. It was a great ending, although I would have liked maybe Beth to have coincidently ended up on the plane with Matt heh ( I think the ending was fine seriously, but Matt did crack me up )



Quoted Text
Thanks, I think dialogue will turn out to be my strong suit - I just need to remember it's a visual medium!


Apart from describing houses and buildings, I was entertained by the characters and that what moved the script along and made me visualize what was happening anyway. I think you did fine - especially for something that does not need all that much description. If you put too much in, no doubt it would be a case of too much tell and no see. I think you did fine on both.


Malc



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JD_OK
Posted: February 20th, 2008, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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You are miss using ur "..." there are for dialog. to indicate a pause, so u dont have to say (beat)... beats r to be used sparely

day and night only in slugs

pg 7. You dont need THEN after David and karen, since this would be their first introduction. Just DAVID (24)

pg 7 No camera directions should be n  spec. Write it ithout saying it
pg 14, u have sarah and keely talking and they were never introduced
pg 18 " my man bits" - funny
pg 31 " ur mum" lol, good one

by pg 33, You havent hit ur end of act one, end of old world

by page 38, yet still to end of act one, now becuz of this ur script is dragging. I'm not feeling any goals for any of the

characters. No one is trying to achieve toward something. Just seems like days in their lives.

Side note REGARDING FORMAT****

As of now, script is filled with over description and telling rather then showing. The descriptions are over worded, you want

to say the most with the fewest words as possible. White space is ur friend and PA readers like to see it. See at times ur

scripts reads like a book with  telling and overly details which do not push the plot forward.

And alot of unnecessary INSERTS
*************************************

page 40, finally the end of act one come with him being asked to move out and yes...it comes way too late. You have alot of

cutting to do to get this by 30, removing alot from ur descriptions should help alot.

Your (over phone) should be under character name
pg 52, I really like a better reason or reason why Matt is hardly ever around and Ben is always around with Soph. Matt

should be also realizing the are spending too much time together by now

pg 57,dumping , i dont think it suits the situation well right here to say that word. Also since its their first date and there doesnt

seem to be any real bad blood between them to say "dumping"

63 ben admitting to matt and the fight would be raising the stakes and it should hit by pg55
Matt:" Dont send smoke signals" Thats real good line, i like it
pg 65 u say to inter cut ( which i think u place these wrong throughout) so u dont need the SLUGS between thm talking
"--" mean interrupted dialog, not "toni..." TONI--"

pg 70, lol "ill need mug shots" U do have some good funnys moments througout the script

pg 77 'all is lost' when soph turning on Ben. Funny I would think this would be far off too, but its only 2 pages ahead of pg 75

where it should happen by

82. I really like all ur reasoning  have for their fall outs and make ups. Very realistic
85 leaving on speaker phone only changes the voice coming out of the phone. Not the mic, so that line isn't right.
90 periond after MR(.)
95, hmm everything was goin to good and ur basic setup of a cliche that u made it ur own from beginning to here.  The girl

leaving town, please come up with something different, cuz as always it follows the guy chasing after what he lost.
Like me she does this thing and u keep it the same but she is outside his house waiting to see after he reads if he comes

running after her and he like " hey, your still here", so it turns back to let hearted/comedy and they go together to see his

bother and Matt is left thinking she went to zurich, cuz it got serios real quick after matt got there and that serious tune stayed.

Just something different this those whole ending cliche

104. Ok u got me! u did good, predictable from long way that his brother stole the girl, but what u did works here.

I like the story and I can see it being made. Now alot of the dialog doesnt makes sense but that is cuz i dont know British

slang/talk, but u had good amount of actual funny things.

But the dialog was defiantly ur strong suit here and its flowed well.

Characters were all good,well ur main ones that moved the script along.

Biggest gripe I have is ur bad format. Tightening these up and getting rid of ur things u dont need to be indicating in the strong

which doesnt push it forward needs to be removed and ur sentences shorter.

The structure should fall better in place when this is done.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Limey
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Quoted from Scoob
I wouldnt really change much from the first act - but the humour on from this point was much more funnier and seemed more fluent and continuous from that point on.

You're right, the humour in the first act is still something I'm not quite happy with. I can't tell you how much I've struggled with those first 15 pages.... grrrrrrrr  >


Quoted from Scoob
It was a great ending, although I would have liked maybe Beth to have coincidently ended up on the plane with Matt heh

You great big softy!

Cheers


Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/
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Limey
Posted: February 20th, 2008, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey JD

Thanks for the read, it's much appreciated


Quoted from JD_OK
You are miss using ur "..." there are for dialog. to indicate a pause, so u dont have to say (beat)... beats r to be used sparely

I think this is writer's choice - a number of screenwriting books I have list this as a valid method and I like it because "..." can be used as a short pause and "beat" as a longer one. But maybe this is giving too much direction to the actors.


Quoted from JD_OK
pg 14, u have sarah and keely talking and they were never introduced

Good catch, I'll add in introductions for them


Quoted from JD_OK
by pg 33, You havent hit ur end of act one, end of old world

The end of Act 1 is at the bottom of page 23 - at this stage all the characters' worlds have been irreversibly altered - Soph has found the birthday card, Ben has taken the decision to go with her to Helen's - to become part of her life, and this in turn has started to place a strain on Soph's relationship with Matt.


Quoted from JD_OK
by page 38... I'm not feeling any goals for any of the characters. No one is trying to achieve toward something. Just seems like days in their lives.

Soph's conscious goal is to "live life for Helen", which I tried to show through the photographs, reference to climbing etc - generally being active. Her subconscious goal, however, is to be free from Helen - this first starts to manifest itself in the scene where the climbing trip is cancelled. Ben's conscious goal, once he starts to fall for Soph, is not to act on his feelings. His subconscious goal, however, is to be able to justify "making a pass" at her. Hence he's stuck with the awkward flirting and going with her to Helen's etc - a sort of halfway house where he's "hoping" he can make her make the first move by being "a great guy". Sorry if these don't come across - I admit, they're not presented in an "in your face" kind of way.


Quoted from JD_OK
As of now, script is filled with over description and telling rather then showing. The descriptions are over worded, you want to say the most with the fewest words as possible. White space is ur friend and PA readers like to see it. See at times ur

Are you refering to the way I describe characters' looks and reactions, because I think that's really the only thing I spend space on in the blackstuff. I think it's important to include these because if a character's not speaking (show don't tell) how does the reader know what they're reaction is to another character unless I describe it? I think it's particularly important in this kind of script where everything is driven by the characters' interactions.


Quoted from JD_OK
And alot of unnecessary INSERTS

Ha ha, someone else mentioned this. I'll take a look  


Quoted from JD_OK
I really like a better reason or reason why Matt is hardly ever around and Ben is always around with Soph.

Fair point, I'll see what I can add in


Quoted from JD_OK
pg 57,dumping , i dont think it suits the situation well right here to say that word. Also since its their first date and there doesnt seem to be any real bad blood between them to say "dumping"

This is definitely something I need to rework. Ben and Beth have actually been going out for a while and I need to make that clearer - I cut the scenes of them dating for pacing purposes but it's obviously caused problems as a number of people have mentioned it. Thanks for pointing it out.


Quoted from JD_OK
63 ben admitting to matt and the fight would be raising the stakes and it should hit by pg55

The halfway point is when Soph breaks down and Ben comforts her at the Motorway Services - ends on page 52. From this point on their relationship has reached a new, deeper level - she knows she can confide in him and he's prepared to listen and help. Soph's relationship with Helen and hence her outlook on life changes as a result and this then impacts her relationship with Matt... which in turn places greater pressure on Ben and makes it harder for him to follow his conscious goal of "not falling for Soph". Phew, that was a mouthful.


Quoted from JD_OK
82. I really like all ur reasoning  have for their fall outs and make ups. Very realistic

Thanks, I've tried for an element of realism.


Quoted from JD_OK
104. Ok u got me! u did good, predictable from long way that his brother stole the girl, but what u did works here.

Ha ha, glad to hear it  


Thanks again for the read

Cheers

Adam



Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/
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JD_OK
Posted: February 21st, 2008, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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Glad to me of service. Anything u wanted to know I didnt mention?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Limey
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Quoted from JD_OK
Glad to me of service. Anything u wanted to know I didnt mention?

Actually you did mention this but I forgot to ask - when did you catch on to the fact that David "stole" Karen from Ben? Sounds like you saw it early on. Anything you think I could change to make it less obvious?

Cheers



Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/
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JD_OK
Posted: February 21st, 2008, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Well u start off the flash backs with Davis, Ben and KAREN

obviously since she not in the picture with him and u show David and Karen together with a baby after the "accidental call" from ben. Since there is bad blood with them.. he stole the girl. I would get rid of karen in the flash backs until the very last one, as where David and her come out and say like "she is pregnant" or something that says they r together and he is sorry.

O and that one line matt says" Girl stealer must run in the family" well what he said was almost a spoiler on it that shold be changed


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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spesh2k
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Adam,

So I read Red Balloons and Rollercoasters. I don't really like romcoms too much, but I thought your script pretty good. You're characters were well drawn out and you put a lot of thought into them. All of them were very well rounded. All of them were likeable, but they had dimensions to their personalities that made them complex, and a few of your characters unlikeable at times.

My favorite character was Ben, which is a good thing since he's your protagonist. I thought the strong points of your script were in the scenes with Ben and Soph. The dialogue was always sharp between the two, especially when Matt was not in the room. The best dialogue was between Ben and Beth. It's a shame Beth was only in the script briefly -- she was very sharp and very likeable.

As for the premise...it's been done before and done often. A guy falls in love with his best friend's girl. There's even a few songs about the same premise (I Wish That I Had Jesse's Girl). The story was somewhat predictable, but your snappy dialogue and strong characters really held it together and kept my interest through out.

Overally, the structure was okay, but at times I thought the flashbacks were confusing. Case in point...on page 11 when you say PREVIOUS WEEK in the slugline. I had to actually go back to realize that it was a flashback. It made sense after reading it again, but it did slow down the read a bit.

Another thing that confused me at first were the flashbacks with David and Karen. It's not until 15 or so pages after they're introduced that we find out who they are. And I didn't feel that each flashback revealed enough new information every time. It wasn't until the end that we, the audience, are shown that Karen was Ben's girlfriend and that his brother, David ended up taking her away from him.

Though the flashbacks did confuse me a bit, the transitions from flashback to present time were good (the noise from the roller coaster transitioning into loud noises in present time). The roller coaster, seems to me, has the same purpose as they do in Annie Hall -- to show turbulence in a person's life.

You have some really funny one-liners. Ex. When Beth says, "Thanks for the sex...you tried really hard" -- good stuff. I also like when Beth and Ben talk on the phone -- BETH: OK. Have you seen "Stomp"? BEN: No. But I've read the book". -- very witty conversation.

As for format, a few things threw me off.

When you go from INT. MATT'S HOUSE. LOUNGE and then say Ben walks into the kitchen you have INT. MATT'S HOUSE. KITCHEN. You don't have to put INT. again. It almost felt like a whole different location.

One thing that really bugged me, though, were the constant ellipses (...) in the dialogue, and especially the action blocks. A lot of the action blocks end with...as if it were like a TO BE CONTINUED, but we get the rest of the information on the next action line. You'd save some space by taking out the ellipses.

Also, in the dialogue, you often use ellipses and (beat). You don't really have to use beat if you already have the ellipses. They can both be used for pauses in dialogue, or ellipses can be used in dialgue when someone trails off a bit. You do use the ... when someone trails off a few times, but then you reveal in the next action block that the character trails off, which is not economically wise. Also, you use them at times when a character interrupts. I guess I don't have much of a beef with that, but using -- at the end of a dialogue to show someone interrupting seems easier to follow.

There were times in the descriptions where you don't really show us what's going on, but rather you tell us.

For instance on page 4 you have -- The champagne is finished and Ben is now dressed in genuine Swiss Liederhosen. -- This doesn't really paint much of a picture. You could just write -- an empty champagne bottle sits on the table as Ben, dressed in Swiss Lederhosen, and Matt sip tea.

Also, on page 5 -- SOPH: You're toasting Hemmingway? Then you write -- Soph creeps in freshly showered and grinning at her own joke. -- We already can tell that she was joking by her dialogue, you should just say -- Soph creeps in, freshly showered, and grins.

A few questions about some things, maybe it's cultural references that I don't understand...

What's Jammy Dodgers?
Who's Ems?

Anyway, I might've been nitpicking a little bit with your formatting, but I thought your story was pretty good, once again the strong point being the characters and razor sharp dialogue.

Thanks for the read...


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
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Limey
Posted: March 3rd, 2008, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michael

Thanks very much for the review, especially considering you don't like RomComs  


Quoted from spesh2k
It's a shame Beth was only in the script briefly -- she was very sharp and very likeable.

By popular demand (well a couple of people mentioning it) I have added another short sequence with Beth and Ben in the latest draft.


Quoted from spesh2k
As for the premise...it's been done before and done often. A guy falls in love with his best friend's girl. There's even a few songs about the same premise (I Wish That I Had Jesse's Girl). The story was somewhat predictable, but your snappy dialogue and strong characters really held it together and kept my interest through out.

Yep, I can't really claim this is a groundbreaking premise. Glad you felt the characters and dialogue held it together.


Quoted from spesh2k
Overally, the structure was okay, but at times I thought the flashbacks were confusing. Case in point...on page 11 when you say PREVIOUS WEEK in the slugline. I had to actually go back to realize that it was a flashback. It made sense after reading it again, but it did slow down the read a bit.

Agreed. I never liked that flashback and it's gone in the current rewrite.


Quoted from spesh2k
Another thing that confused me at first were the flashbacks with David and Karen. It's not until 15 or so pages after they're introduced that we find out who they are. And I didn't feel that each flashback revealed enough new information every time. It wasn't until the end that we, the audience, are shown that Karen was Ben's girlfriend and that his brother, David ended up taking her away from him.

True. These flashbacks are more for a "sensory" experience than to relay information - I wanted them to inject a bit of intrigue and give a sense that we are moving inexorably towards some momentus event. That said, they are effectively in their first draft forms (I only added them this draft) so they still need tweaking.


Quoted from spesh2k
One thing that really bugged me, though, were the constant ellipses (...) in the dialogue, and especially the action blocks. A lot of the action blocks end with...as if it were like a TO BE CONTINUED, but we get the rest of the information on the next action line. You'd save some space by taking out the ellipses.

Yeah, when I read through the script again before starting on the rewrite I noticed there are far too many and I've cut a lot out. But I'm keeping some because I like them  


Quoted from spesh2k
Also, you use them at times when a character interrupts. I guess I don't have much of a beef with that, but using -- at the end of a dialogue to show someone interrupting seems easier to follow.

I've changed the dialogue to use "--" for interrupting - thanks for pointing that out.


Quoted from spesh2k
For instance on page 4 you have -- The champagne is finished and Ben is now dressed in genuine Swiss Liederhosen. -- This doesn't really paint much of a picture. You could just write -- an empty champagne bottle sits on the table as Ben, dressed in Swiss Lederhosen, and Matt sip tea.

Again, thanks for pointing this out. I've made some changes in the current rewrite.


Quoted from spesh2k
What's Jammy Dodgers?

They're a type of cookie with a jelly (jam) filling


Quoted from spesh2k
Who's Ems?

She was just one of Matt's exes, the "one that got away"


Cheers and thanks for the read

Adam



Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/
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