Kidnapping Ellen by Xavier Gonzalez - Comedy - After Dennis' roommates fail to find jobs, he fails to get a raise and their landlord gives them only one week to get 1,100 dollars, he comes up with the idea to kidnap his girlfriend Ellen and ask her father for a 250,00 dollar ransom. But nothing seems to go right.  108 pages - doc, format

hey, I'm the writer of this script, and i just want to say to those of you who read it that i purposely wrote Doughbag, it's not supposed to say douchebag in those two scenes if that's what you thought. and second i know that there are some things wrong with the way that it was written and i just hope that it didn't come out to crappily.

Well, first off I would like to say that I enjoyed your script. It was a little slow to start but once things picked up, they really picked up. I found it funny the way you layered the two different kidnapping stories. The chicken bucket car thing was fanstastic, a little cliche in some aspect but the thing you did with Indiana jones and the chicken bucket was funny.

That being said, there is much work left to do on this script. One of the biggest things is of course spelling and grammar. There are many, many speliing errors in this script. For one, it's spelled "bail" not "bale." As in to "bail" someoen out of jail. Always remember to go back and do spelling and grammar check, even if you miss one or two things, it's better than missing thirty or seventy things.

Another thing I personally feel you should work on is the dialogue. There were a lot of things the characters said in  the script that would have worked better had it been an action, or had they said it in another way, or just not have said it at all. Your dialogue in the begining of the scripts was very explainatory. The characters felt like they were setting up the story as opposed to the story setting up the story.

Especially within the first couple of pages where you mention kidnapping as a means of getting money twice. i understand you are using that in the same way you used the manager of the pluck bucket (if that is what it's called, i cant remember exactly right now) and the whole angle about respect, but having that within the first couple pages of the scripts, not only mentioned but mentioned twice, I feel is a very weak way to introduce the topic of kidnapping. Perhaps toy with the idea of him reading a newspaper or a news cast about kidnapping. Perhaps have Saul or Zack mention something or joke around with the idea (which is a pretty stupid idea and they are supposed to be stupid characters so it works out well in the aspect).

Also try and word your actions a bit better. Some of them felt a bit redundant or just didn't make sense. For example:

" The curtains in the are broken and hanging off the windows and sits on the floor. "

First there is spelling, then there is just the idea of wording that sentence better. Like...

"The curtains are broken and hanging off the windows."

That is a much better sentence in my personal opinion. You really have to go back and look at these things. That once sentence was in the first paragraph of the script. The first paragraph! Your screenplay would have been already judged on it's quality and worthiness to be read within the first paragraph because of that spelling error. So yeah.

Also, I can't really harp on you about this because I do the same thing with my screenplays, but try and not put in camera directions and things like that into the screenplay unless you know for sure you yourself are going to direct it. Apparently, directors don't really like things like that...so i've heard, but don't quote me on that.

Other than that, I enjoyed reading your script. The ending was perfect. It was straight to the point and funny and I liked the idea, of course, of Zack and Helen being criminals together.

yeah thanks for the comment, it's obvious that you've read the Syd Field book, and if you haven't you sound a lot like him. I know that rule number one of having a draft and going over it is not to have errors within the first five pages but i guess i should let you know that i only had three days to write this thing and when i write i usually think of the line and then automatically write it down, i didn't really have enough time to check over it because I'm still in my studies right now and usually having a screenplay idea in my head distracts me from concentrating on work.

i didn't even realize the errors until after posting it. of course when I'm re-writing my first draft in a few weeks I'll keep what you said in mind. also i know that dialogue isn't my best subject in the screenplay thing but when i mentioned a line of dialogue twice in a screenplay is because I'm trying to do the whole Coen Brother thing which i guess works better for dramatic actions and dramadey scripts.

but I'm really glad you liked it, it's actually the first screenplay I've ever posted online and I've posted a short, too. it's called the Gunslinger, it's an action western but i hope you can read it when it comes on in a day or two.