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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Bingo! Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 19th, 2009, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bingo! by Ian Kennedy - Comedy -  The story begins with Jo Beth, our hero, with her therapist, Dr. Brannigan.  She realizes she is late for bingo and then scrambles out the door.  June, Jo Beth’s Rival, is sitting at her table waiting for the clock to hit the time to go play bingo.  When the clock strikes, she grabs her keys and rushes out.   128 pages - doc, format


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fionaman
Posted: August 31st, 2010, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Bingo!

Okay, I'm thirty pages in, and there are some major problems with this screenplay. The most glaring right now is the obscene amount of characters introduced within the first ten pages alone. Count 'em. There are nineteen, and only about five (Jo Beth, June, Evan, Sam, and maybe Dr. Brannigan) are crucial to the plot so far. Alot of these characters are unnecessary fat that needs to be cut, especially that annoying McLovin ripoff Jimmy. They just serve no purpose, as of yet.

I see the script is 128 pages, which is long for a drama, let alone a comedy. I can tell a lot of this stuff can be cut and I'm only thirty pages in. Do yourself a favor and tighten this up, get rid of the unneccessary side characters that all act and talk the same way anyway. I think this would work better as a straight up "rivalry" picture between Jo Beth and June, with some subplots with the family thrown in. You don't really see a lot of successful comedy ensemble pieces.

There are also some technical problems, like "directing" with camera techniques. Like when you write, "Jo Beth mouths the words in slow motion". Don't do that. Just tell us a straightforward story, cut out all the unfilmables, camera directions and/or techniques, etc.

Jo Beth is by far the funniest character, work on her. Fran is useless, she's supposed to be the sidekick, but she's not funny and she basically serves no purpose. Get rid of her, or do a complete overhaul.

I actually like the story so far, although that flashback sequence where Jo Beth explains how she got the Mister Kitty Kat was repetitive and tiring, maybe you can think of another, more compact way to convey that information to us.
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